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THE MEMOIR OF 



HELEN M. COWLES 



"WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?'^ 



OBERLIN: 

FEINTED AND SOLD BY J. M. FITCH. 

1856. 






Entered according to Act of Congress, by 

bev. henry cowles, 

In the Clerk's OflSce of the District Court of Ohio. 









?- 



PREFACE. 

This brief Memoir is presented to our Christian 
friends and to ttie public, only because it is thougbt 
to be adapted to do good. 

The subject of it is mainly her own biographer, 
the volume being compiled chiefly from her jour- 
nal and x^i^i'^ate correspondence. We have no 
reason to suppose it ever entered her mind that 
her journal would be read by others, or that her 
letters would go beyond a very narrow circle of 
personal friends. Hence they are the free utter- 
ances of her heart, and all the more truthfully 
reveal her character. 

The compiler, (her second mother,) has aimed 
to make this memoir a fair exhibit of Helen's real 
character, and of the fruits of divine grace in its 
transformation. It might have embraced only 
what would be called her religious experiences, 
and so have been much shorter; but it would also 
have been less life-like, and in many respects, less 
really valuable. 

This memoir boiTows no interest from extraor- 
dinary and thrilling incidents; and pre-eminently^ 



4 PREFACE* 

none frcm fiction. It is simply real life in im 
humble walks of a daughter, a pupil, a teacher ; 
a youth reared in Oberlin, molded under its influ- 
ences, moving amid its scenes, dying in the bosom 
of its Christian sympathies. If this narrative has 
any power to interest and benefit the reader, we 
think it will be due to its simplicity, its truthful 
revealings of character, its testimony to God's 
faithfulness to his covenant with Christian parents, 
and as an illustration of the riches and power of 
his sanctifying grace. 

To her parents and near relatives still living, it 
would have been far more pleasant if this memoir 
could have been equally truthful and instructive, 
without bringing before the public much if any of 
their own history as a family. It is due to them 
to say that, intent only on revealing her character 
as transformed by grace, for the sake of its testi- 
mony to the gospel, they did not at first foresee 
how much the record of her life must of necessity 
reveal the family of which she was a member; — 
otherwise the memoir would have remained 
unpublished. Even after the compilation was 
finished, the question of striking out and modify- 
ing these allusions to the living, was seriously 
agitated, and finally decided in the negative 
only in deference to the opinions of judicious 
friends. 



PREFACE. O 

That this brief memoir of a daughter, long the 

subject of our parental solicitudes, love, prayer and 

joy, may bo a blessing to many, is the hope and 

prayer of 

her surviving parents^ 

Oberlin^ June, 1856. 



INTRODUCTION. 

I have had the privilege of listening to the reading 
of nearly the whole of this to me very interesting 
Memoir of an interesting young lady. It is per- 
haps impossible for one who has enjoyed a personal 
acquaintance with the subject of it, to judge how^ 
exactly, it will strike strangers. But I cannot doubt 
that it is destined to be perused by many, young 
and old, with much interest and with much spir- 
itual x)rofit. The emotions it has excited in my 
own bosom have been too deep and strong to be 
ascribed chiefly to my personal interest in the be- 
loved child of even highly esteemed friends and 
fellow-laborers of many years^ standing. 

The compiler and author bore to the subject the 
too often ill-starred relation of step-mother. It 
was impossible to compile the Memoir at all, 
without sacrificing much of its interesting and in- 
structive character, if she did not introduce frequent 
references to her own relations to the departed one, 
the course she pursued in training her mind and 
heart, and the way in which the strong-willed child 
that received her new mother with repugnance, 



iNTRODUCTiON. 7 

was won to love her, and how step-sisters who met 
with mutual dislike came to be the most endeared 
of friends. The compiler's instinctive delicacy 
shrank from seeming self-laiidation, and prompted 
her to ask counsel of friends. I cannot doubt that 
the Memoir ought to go to the Christian public as 
it is, and that the very things which raise the na- 
tural doubts of the comxiler, constitute one of the 
chief merits of the book. Many a step-mother, 
ungraciously regarded by the children from whom 
she longs to receive a filial affection, weighed down 
with discouragement and despondency, will in pe* 
rusing this little volume, feel her spirits revived 
and her faith in God strengthened, and will be 
led to gird herself anew for her work. Many 
step-children will here learn lessons which will 
bless their minority and prepare them for a holy 
and happy maturity. 

It has been one object of the compiler to let it 
be seen how a true young Christian acts amid the 
every day details of life; and hence the book is 
not a mere collection or selection of supposed 
gems, in incident or writing; but in it the youthful 
Christian heart is laid bare in all sorts of circum- 
stances. I think many a young heart will here 
see what a grace, a nobleness, a felicity, true reli- 
gion imparts to the blooming years of early life ; 
how superior the walk with God in the everlasting 



8 INTRODUCTION. 

way is to tlie highest walk in the spirit of this 
world. And this great idea is instructively illus- 
trated in the occasional declensions of Helen in 
contrast with her faith and love unfaltering. Helen 
in unbehef, wandering from her Savior, was indeed 
a very different being from the same Helen in Christ 
in life and in death. 

May Grod give this unpretending volume a wide 
circulation, going forth as it does baptised with the 
prayers and tears of parents whose happiness it 
was to enjoy such a daughter for a season, and then 
to see her step so evidently from their house and • 
her beloved earthly home into the more glorious 
house of her Heavenly Father. 

JOHN MOKGAN, 
Prof. Bib. Lit, Oberlin College. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS; 

OR, 

LIFE OF HELEN M. COWLES. 



CHAPTEE L 



Helen Maria Cowles was the eldest child 
of Rev. Henry Cowles, a native of Colebrook, 
Conn., a graduate of Yale College, and at the 
time of her birth, pastor of a Congregational 
Church in Austinburg, Ashtabula Co., Ohio. 
Her mother, Mrs. Alice W. Cowles was also 
of New England 'origin — the daughter of Dr. 
Benjamin Welch of Norfolk, Conn. 

Helen was born Aug. 10, 1831. From her 
earliest infancy she was consecrated to God 
and considered by her parents as entirely his, 
and only lent them for a season to rear and in- 
itiate into his service. With the mother par- 
ticularly, this was an all-absorbing study, — = 
**How shall we order the child?" 



10 MEMOIR OF HELEN* 

With regard to her baptism, we find record- 
ed in her mother's diary, *' I felt an assurance 
of Helen's salvation from sin and ruin," and 
again under another date, but while H. was still 
m her infancy, we read, <'I will be a God to 
thee and to thy seed after thee;'^— "In this prom- 
ise will I confide. Dear Savior, I now renew the 
dedication of this my first-born to Thee. I trust 
thee to arrange the circumstances of her fu- 
ture life so that she will early be brouglit nigh 
unto thee, and serve thee faithfully through 
time and through eternity. I would ask noth- 
ing else for her. Help me, or any one else 
who may influence her mind, to bend all our 
exertions to this one point. I would give her 
plain food that she may retain her vigorous con- 
stitution and be able to endure hardness as a 
good soldier, and plain dress that she may not 
cherish pride and vanity, so hostile to the spir- 
it of her Master. I would guard against speak- 
ing of the beauty of her attire, but make clean- 
liness, warmth and comfort constitute their ex- 
cellence. Thus, in every thing, while life 
lasts, would I have in view my vows in regard 
to her. Give me more light, O! thou Father 
of light, In thy providence direct to the r'ght 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 11 

sources for information upon this momentous 
subject." 

Helen gave early promise of an active and 
intelligent mind, but a strong and determined 
will, which caused her parents much solici- 
tude, and led them to apply continually to the 
Source of all wisdom. Many little incidents 
noted in her mother's diary, show that her wis- 
dom and patience were often severly taxed. 
Disobedience was one of her earliest faults. 
The first instance mentioned was when she 
was old enough to talk. She came into the 
room and, in imitation of the housemaid, threw 
back the corners of the carpet and began to pour 
down water and wash the floor. Her mother 
observed her, but said nothing until she began 
to pour water behind the cupboard, when she 
told her earnestly to j^our no more ivater there. 
The child persisted, but was told again deci- 
dedly to stop. She continued to pour the wa- 
ter, but looked around at her mother and said, 
"I will be naughty now and then go in the bed- 
room," alluding to that form of punishment for 
naughtiness. By this time she had poured out 
all the water and was on her way to the bed- 
room, where she staid but a short time. When 



12 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

she came out her mother told her she had been 
a very naughty girl and ought to be confined 
longer. She immediately returned, saying, " I 
will pray to the Lord ; '' and immediately knelt 
down and said, '* O Lord, take care of me now. 
I am a naughty girl and poured water, and 
would not obey, but poured more, more, 
more." 

Again and again a spirit of disobedience was 
still more manifest, and in regard to it her 
mother wrote thus; ''Helen will surely get 
the reins out of my hands unless judicious and 
persevering efforts are used. It is evident she 
is struggling for it." By and by, from being 
frank and open-hearted, she became sly, and 
by degrees, deceptive, and at length untruthful. 
This latter fault was most promptly, and, it is 
believed, successfully met, with instruction, 
warning, and correction. 



CHAPTEE II. 

Helen's developments of character were by 
no means all of this stamp. She was remark- 
ably intelligent for her years, and generally 
pleasant and amiable. She seemed, too, at a 
very early age, to be seriously impressed with 
gospel truth. She was encouraged always to 
express her wants to God in her own language, 
fully and freely. This, she early accustomed 
herself to do, and specimens of her simplicity 
and earnestness were sometimes listened to, 
and preserved, by her mother. The following 
are fair samples of them. <* O, may I not 
leave a single sin out, but may I put them all 
away this very minute." Upon another occa- 
sion — *' O Lord, do take care of me, if I 
hav^nt prayed in a good while." Once, in 
the absence of her father, when she was about 
six years old, she prayed thus; '* O Lord, do 
hear us now, as we pray for dear pa, who has 
gone to do good for thee, I hope. O bless 



14 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

him, and may he love and serve thee, and if 
Satan comes to him, may he fight him and hold 
on to thee. And O! if Mr. W. or L. preach to- 
night may they do much good, and may all be- 
come Christians so that this may be a happy 
world. May we study thy book through and 
through, and through again. And now as I 
am the oldest, may I seta good example before 
my brothers; and do bless them and not let them 
grow wicked and get into jail, and do help M, 
to be a Christian and pour out thy Spirit upon 
her." 

In the autumn of 1835 when she was four 
years old, her father accepted a call to a Pro- 
fessorship in the Literary Institution recently 
established at Oberlin, Lorain Co., Ohio, in 
consequence of which he removed thither 
with his family in the month of September. 

In the following spring, Mrs. Cowles was 
appointed Principal of the Female Department 
of that Institution, which situation she held for 
more than four years. During this time, with 
the sole care of from sixty to one hundred 
young ladies resting upon her, her children 
were neccessarily much under the care and di- 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 15 

rection of others. The most pious and judi- 
cious among the young ladies were selected to 
aid her in this department, but no one could 
supply to her the lack of a mother's presence 
and influence. 

Helen was at a very impressible age, was quite 
a pet among the ladies, and a frequent visitor 
at their rooms. But the effect of these circum- 
stances upon her was decidedly unfavorable. 
She acquired an almost insatiable curiosity and 
love of exciteiflent, as well as an impatience of 
contradiction. Her naturally strong will ac- 
quired greater strength, and a habit of fretful- 
ness and impatience was firmly woven into the 
texture of her character. 

These evils were noticed with sorrow by 
her parents, and made a subject of special pray- 
er, while at the same time they improved dili- 
gently what opportunities they could command, 
with efforts to counteract them. There were 
times when the counsel and example of the pa- 
rents seemed to predominate, and hopes were 
entertained that these evils would be but tem- 
porary. Upon one of these occasions, in the 
absence of the father, the mother wrote him 



16 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

thus. ''And is it really so? Helen, for more 
than a day, has been one of the best little girls 
we often see. When she awoke she said to 
pfie — 'Let us pray, Ma, before we get up.'~ 
She says, 'The worst thing, I believe, Ihat I 
do, is, fretting when they dress me in the mor- 
ning.' In the course of the day she said to me, 
"O Ma, I felt so troubled last night, I could 
not sleep ; and then T thought how Christ would 
have me do, and I just left myself with him." 
Who can doubt but what the .Holy Spirit is 
giving her light? Let it be our prayer and 
expectation that he will cause her to love the 
light." 



CHAPTER III. 

At length, however, Mrs. Cowles' health 
beginning to give way under the pressure of 
her accumulated burdens, and the habits and 
characters of her children suffering for the want 
of her moulding and guiding hand, the idea she 
had for some time cherished, of resigning her 
situation, ripened into a conviction of duty, and 
accordingly, in the autumn of 1840, she ten- 
dered to the Trustees her resignation, and 
retired to the quiet and privacy of domestic 
life. She had at that time five children : three 
daughters and two sons, and to their welfare and 
happiness she thenceforward devoted herself, 
with untiring zeal and energy. 

Helen was now progressing rapidly in her 
education. Not indeed in the elementary 
branches of school learning, for she had little 
relish for schools or study, but in knowledge 
of the human mind and manners, of facts and 
princij^les, obtained by reading, and by close 
and critical observation. She was by no means 

B 



18 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

a good reader in the common acceptation of 
the term, but she read with great facility and 
understood what she read. A list of the books 
she remembered to have read before the age of 
twelve, made out b}^ herself and found among 
her papers after her death, shows an amount 
of reading which is truly surprising. Some 
were excellent books, provided for her by her 
parents, or given or lent her by other friends, 
and some were books of at least questionable 
utility, and a few of decidedly injurious ten- 
dency, procured without the knowledge of her 
parents. But they were all leaving their im- 
press on her character. 

Her habits of observation were remarkable. 
Nothing which passed under her eye or within 
her hearing escaped her notice; and when not 
shut away in her room with a book, she was 
usually somewhere listening eagerly to the 
conversation of older persons. Indeed, in 
after life she mentioned, as one of the trials of 
her childhood, the fact that she could not be, 
at the same time, in her father's study, her 
mother's nursery, and among the other mem- 
bers of the household, and listen to what they 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 19 

were all saying and observe what they were 
all doing. 

She was not gay and light-hearted enough 
to enjoy the sports of childhood, and her love 
of neatness and horror of dirt were so great 
that, to use her own words, she dared not play 
with other children out of doors for fear of 
soiling her clothes. She was inclined to be 
restless and uneasy, and seldom appeared quite 
happy. She loved but few cut of her own 
father's family, and often remarked that she 
believed no one loved her but her parents. 

Occasionally her attention was called up to 
the subject of religion, but it was each time 
deferred, and her dislike to it was evidently 
increasing. Many persons besides her parents 
felt deeply interested in her salvation and longed 
to see her early brought into the fold of Christ. 
By some of them the subject was often urged 
upon her attention ; but her aversion to it was 

great, and sometimes strongly expressed. 

b2 



CHAPTEK lY. 

Time passed on. One more little brother 
was added to the family group, but the mother's 
health drooped yet more and more. In the 
summer and fall of 1843, the youngest daugh- 
ter, then in her fourth year, was very ill, and 
for many weeks looked upon as past hope ; but 
though she eventually recovered, yet, while 
watching over her sick couch, the mother was 
attacked with bleeding at the lungs ; an event 
which excited in her friends the greatest solici- 
tude and alarm. 

Her anxious husband procured the best pos- 
sible medical aid, in the hope of warding off 
disease ; had her nursed with the most assidu- 
ous care, and summoned to her bedside her 
eldest brother, a skilful physician from New 
England, whose presence was a great solace 
to her during the weary hours of sickness, 
though, as far as her precious life and health 
were concerned, all was in vain. Her days 
were numbered, and, on the fourteenth day of 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 21 

October, 1843, having committed her afflicted 
husband and children into the hands of her cov- 
enant-keeping God, she closed her eyes upon 
earthly scenes, in the fortieth year of her age. 

In the brief published sketch of her last con- 
secration of her dear ones to Jesus^ it was 
said — '* Her children she had desired to give 
to Jesus, but felt physically too weak for the 
mental effort. Then Jesus came to her, seem- 
ing to say — ^Now bring your children forward, 
one, another, another, all, all, I take them all; 
— would take them if there were a hundred.' 
So she left them with Jesus." 

The bereaved father, under these severe chas- 
tisements and heavy responsibilities, sought ear- 
nestly for divine aid and guidance, and very 
early saw and felt, in the case of his little 
motherless ones, if not in his own, the need 
of one who should have the heart and the abil- 
ity to bind together his shattered family, and 
supply the place of her who had been the light, 
the joy, and the comfort of his household. , Ac- 
cordingly, early in the subsequent year, he 
made choice of a resident of the place, one 
who had been an intimate friend of his wife, 
was acquainted with and interested in her fam- 



22 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

ily, had had experience as a wife and mother^ 
and who, after a series of afflictive bereave- 
ments, was, like him, endeavoring alone to 
train and mould immortal minds. 

Her children were four in number, three 
sons and a daughter. The eldest, eighteen, a 
member of the Sophomore Class in College, 
the daughter a little more than fourteen, about 
a year and a half older than Helen. The two 
youngest were aged nine and seven. 

To this union Helen was much opposed, 
and expressed herself to some of her acquaint- 
ances in strong terms. The daughter she was 
determined to dislike, and, for a time, it seemed 
impossible to prevent this dislike from being 
mutual and permanent. After weighing the 
matter carefully, the new mother decided to 
have them occupy the same room, though 
Helen demurred and Josephine implored. She 
however, was satisfied from her knov/ledge of 
their characters, that their minds might event- 
ually be made to harmonize, and that the surest 
v/a}' to secure that en(\ w"as to place them in 
the same room, and upon an equality in every 
thing. And here we must be allowed io 
digress in order to say that, before one yeair 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 23 

had elapsed, the hearty thanks of both were 
tendered the mother for her perseverance and 
faithfulness in carrying out that measure which, 
though at first so trying to both, had soon 
proved a source of happiness to them. 



CHAPTER Y. 

For some time, Helen was mostly absent, 
in compliance with the invitation of friends 
who were anxious to induce in her a better 
state of mind ; but, after a few months, when 
she came home to remain permanently, the 
work of remoulding her character was entered 
upon with cheerfulness and hope. Her heahh 
had, for some time, been vrather delicate, and 
her nervous system much disordered ; but, a 
little attention to her diet, with perfect regular- 
ity in her habits, soon restored her health, and 
with it, an increased degree of cheerfulness. 

Her school education having been greatly 
neglected, all laudable motives were presented 
to induce her to take an interest in her studies. 
In this matter, as in many others, the example 
and influence of her step-sister were invaluable. 
However, as she afterwards remarked, the 
strongest motive then was, the feeling that her 
father would be disgraced by having a daugh- 
ter nearly fourteen years old, ignorant of the 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 25 

most simple rudiments of an English educa- 
tion. But whatever were her motives, she set 
herself resolutely and successfully to the ac- 
quisition of the common branches of school 
learning. 

By degrees, she began to make a confident of 
her mother, and, among other things, spoke of 
i^ loving no one, ^^ said slie believed she ''had 
neyer really loved even her own mother;" that 
though she sometimes felt as though she loved 
her little brothers and sisters, yet she loved 
herself far better; that she had few if any real 
friends ; said she had been told by one whom 
she highly respected, that nobody loved her 
except for her parent's sake. 

Her mother sympathised with her, but as- 
sured her she was mistaken in some of the 
facts ; that she had many real friends who loved 
her for her own sake, and many more who 
would do so if they might, but that they were 
repelled by her coldness and apparent indiffer- 
ence to them ; that love in her heart needed 
cultivation ; that though the soil was hard, it 
might be mellowed; and advised her to try the 
experiment of meeting all her classmates, ac- 
quaintances and neighbors, wiih an open, un- 



26 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

clouded brow, and a cordial look of recogni- 
tion 5 and watch the effect upon herself and 
others. She at first objected, saying it would 
be mere hypocrisy in her ; but her mother as- 
sured her that this kind of treatment was no 
more than their just due, but that the principal 
object now sought was its reflex influence up- 
on herself. She at length consented, and he^ 
mother watched the process with some solici* 
tude and much hope. 

It was indeed a matter of interest, as ladies 
of the place called from day to day, some of 
them very dear friends of her own mother, to 
observe the cordial welcome given them by 
Helen, her readiness to wait upon them, and 
her manifested interest in them and their fami- 
lies, and to notice their evident surprise at the 
change. 

In the course of two or three Aveeks she 
expressed to her mother her wonder at the 
change she perceived in her own feelings. She 
said that at first she had to manufacture an 
appearance of cordiality for each particular oc- 
casion; but that now she was not under this 
necessity, but felt real genuine good feeling and 
love spring up in her heart. They looked at 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 27 

and spoke to her, she said, so pleasantly and 
affectionately that she was sure the difference 
could not be all on her side. 

And this state of things became permanent. 
She grew more cheerful, open-hearted and con- 
fiding. From being hnughtyj cold and misan* 
thropic, she gradually became affable and 
affectionate. True, she was naturally exclusive 
in her attachments, but this tendency became 
greatly modified. A strong and lasting attach- 
ment sprung up between her and her step-sister, 
who, being the eldest and naturally of a strong 
and vigorous mind, exerted a powerful though 
silent influence in the formation of her tastes, 
habits and principles. 

All this time she v/as making commendable 
and rather remarkable progress in her studies, 
had finished the elementary branches, and en- 
tered upon the Ladies' Course* 



OHAPTEE yi. 

During one or two very interesting revivals 
in the place, Helen's mind was deeply im- 
pressed with a sense of her guilt in neglecting 
and virtually refusing the offers of salvation so 
freely made in the gospel, while all the older 
and some of the younger members of the fam- 
ily had accepted these offers before her. Her 
case was made a subject of constant and ear- 
nest prayer, by her parents and other members 
of the fcimily. 

She possessed great clearness of views, and 
understood the workings of her ov/n mind re- 
markably well. But with some things she was 
greatly puzzled^ " How can these things be?" 
she would say. *'If God holds me responsi- 
ble lor continuing in sin, when he has given 
me the offer of salvation, it must be that he 
expects me to be voluntary in my choice; but 
how can I choose holiness instead of sin? 
How can I love that which I hate? It is im- 
possible. I wish the Lord would make me a 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 29 

Christian and done with it. I don't love reli- 
gion, and I don't see how I can. If I have 
got to love God voluntarily^ there is no hope 
for me." 

Thus she reasoned and thus was perplexed, 
during a precious revival in the winter of 
1845-6, though her father's counsels and in- 
structions were unremitted. 

One Sabbath, near the close of the winter, 
a sermon was preached by Prof. Finney, from 
these words : ** The harvest is past, the summer 
is ended, and we are not saved," 

Helen came home from church unusually 
thoughtful and solemn. After tea, when the 
family assembled for a social prayer-meeting, 
as was their custom, and each one was invited 
to speak a few words or pray, as they felt in- 
clined, a great spirit of pleading for Helen was 
manifest among the praying ones, after which 
she calmly remarked to her father, ''I feel as 
though with me the harvest was indeed past, 
the summer ended, and I not saved," Her 
father could scarcely answer; his heart was 
too full, and the family separated silently. 

The sisters went to their room, accompanied 



^0 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

by J.'s cousin, Minerva, an amiable and inter- 
esting young convert, residing in the family. 
Soon they all fell upon their knees and com- 
menced praying again, in which exercise they 
continued a long time, J. and M. alternating, 
until, as J. expressed it, she felt as though she 
could never stop pleading until Helen was 
converted. By and by, while yet upon their 
knees, H. broke out in prayer herself; and it 
seemed there would be no end to her confessions 
of sin and of her conscious vileness of heart 
before God! They could not imagine her so 
vile as she then appeared to herself in the pres- 
ence of that Holy One. '^ But," said she, ''I 
give up all my wickedness — my will — every 
thing. Do thou govern, and I wall obey ; lead 
me and I will follow. Cleanse my heart and 
take possession of it thyself." 

The joy occasioned by this great change 
quite overcame them all. They uttered their 
thanks in few words, and laid themselves down 
to rest for the night; but with the dawn of day, 
J. sprang from her bed, dressed, and rushed 
down stairs, and finding her father kindling a 
fire, exclaimed, '^Father, Helen has given her 
heart to the Lord.*' '* Do you believe it?" 



ORACE VICTORIOUS. 31 

he asked with the utmost eagerness. «' To be 
sure 1 do," said she, and hastened to her 
mother's room exclaiming as before. ''Helen 
has given her heart to the Lord," '' Do you 
believe she has?" asked her mother. '' 
why do you doubt?" enquired she, with her 
aident spirit a litde grieved; and away she ran 
to the room of her older brother, who had not 
yet risen, and hastily begging and obtaining 
permission to open his door for a moment, said, 
^« Charles, Helen is a Christian." '' Glory to 
God! '' he exclaimed, as he sprang from his 
})illov/. 

J. retreated, and soon H. entered her moth- 
er's room with her usual salutation. <'Well, 
Helen," her mother said, *' I hear good news 
from you ; I learn that you have become a 
Christian." *' Well,'' said she, very conside- 
rately, '* I hav n't thought about that; one thing 
I know, I have given up my will to God." 
And this fact became more and more apparent, 
and with it appeared many other evidences of 
a saving change, abundantly cheering and sat- 
isfactory. Indeed, all ttie graces of the Spirit 
seemed to develop themselves naturally and 
harmoniously in her character. 



32 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

A few weeks afterward, when assisting in 
the celebration of the Lord's Supper, as the 
father looked upon four of the members of his 
family, (the fruit of his prayers and labors, 
under God,) standing with fifty or sixty others 
in the church aisles to profess their faith in 
Christ, and allegiance to him, he was nearly 
overpowered with emotions of gratitude and 
praise ; and were it not for one or two of his 
younger children still out of Christ, he would 
have been ready to adopt the language of good 
old Simeon, "Now, Lord, lettest thou thy ser- 
vant depart in peace, for mine eyes have seen 
thy salvation." The four alluded to were 
Helen, her brother H., and step-brother B., 
both converted in early childhood, and Minerva 
P. Dayton, the young lady before referred to, 
who had been brought to Christ soon after she 
came into the family. 



CHAPTER VII. 

For a year or more Helen seemed to grow 
in graee, in knowledge and in favor with God 
and man. A beautiful serenity was diffused 
through her spirit, and manifested itself at home 
and abroad. She enjoyed life as she never 
had before. She grew exceedingly fond of 
society; but this eventually proved a snare to 
her feet. By degrees, she let down her watch, 
became less prayerful, more pleased with the 
society of the gay and thoughtless, and more 
and more assimilated to them. 

We have no testimony to this effect from 
her own pen, until near the close of 1847. It 
is believed that she kept a diary previous to 
this time, but if so, it was destroyed. 

After this time we find occasional record 
made of passing events and states of mind, 
which by degrees becomes much more copious. 
In these journals, interspersed with notices of 
books read, calls made and received, recitations 



34 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

and compositions, we find expressions of feel- 
ing, sentiment and thought, which reveal her 
inner life and character, and show the influence 
of passing scenes in their development. Draw- 
ing from this journal and from letters to her 
friends whatever may serve to illustrate her 
real life, we allow her to write mostly her own 
memoirs, and in her own style of artless sim- 
plicity. The earliest record we have been able 
to obtain, is the following: 

LETTER TO HER GRANDMOTHER WELCH. 

Oberlin, May 4, 1847. 
Dear Grandmother — 

I hardly know how to address you,^ it has 
been so long since we have heard from you, 
directly or indirectly. Though I am little ac- 
quainted with my deceased mother's friends, 
yet I love them, and have no doubt they will 
be glad to hear from me. My deficiency in 
writing and composition has been my reason 
for not addressing you before. When think- 
ing of my dear mother, I can see many ways 
in which I might have done more to please, 
and less to grieve her affectionate heart. I 
well remember my surprise on learning that 



^RACE VICTORIOUS. 35 

you were not her own mother; but she assured 
me that she felt toward you as toward an own 
mother. I thhik my brothers and sisters will 
ever feel so toward our mother. There could 
not have been a better mother for us. We ali 
love h-er. I know, and what is more, T feel 
that I owe her a debt of gratitude which I shall 
never be able to repay. 

Our family consists of father, mother, nine 
children, Miss Dayton, who is mother's niece, 
and a hired girl. During the winter, on account 
of Prof. Finney's absence, father had charge of 
the church, in addiUon to his duties as editor, 
and at the beginning of the spring term, when 
his duties as Professor commenced again, his 
health failed, and for a few days he was quite 
sick. But he has now recovered. Mother's 
cares are very numerous and heavy. Broth- 
er Charles and sister Josephine are to grad- 
uate next Commencement. J. expects to be 
a foreign missionary. Mr. Cushman, a grad- 
uate of Brown University, Providence, and 
now a member of the Senior Class in Theolo- 
gy, is to be her companion in the enterprise. 
China will probably be the field of their labors, 
though it is not fully decided yet. 
c2 



B6 MEMOIR OF HELEPT. 

I am in tlie second year of the <* Ladies^ 
Course," am studying Conic Sections, Chris- 
tian Instructor, and taking drawing lessons. 
I wish very much that some of you could be 
out here next Commencement; 

Your afft. grand- daughter, Helen. 

Under date of December 12, 1847, she writes: 
My heart is in an awful state, and yet I go 
on from week to week, mostly insensible to my 
condition, because I will not wake up. 0, if I 
were in a right state of mind, I should rejoice. 

Dec. 14. I spend a great deal of time in 
reading, but presume it would be better for me 
to read less and write more; but I do n't like 
writing. I wish I could compose easily. I wish 
my hand- writing was good. I wish I was a 
good talker. I wish what knowledge I have 
was better classified and arranged. I wish I 
was intellectually all that I might be ; and last^ 
though not least, that I had the love of God in 
my heart. I should then feel that I had a place 
in the world, and was worth something. But 
none of these do I possess. I enjoy good health 
as one could wish, and in a certain sense, am 
thankful for it. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. B? 

bee. 18. Mrs. Finney died this morning, 
about 11 o'clock, after a long illness. The 
family are greatly afSicted, especially Helen, 
who has lately buried her husband. I have 
been thinking — Now Mrs, F. wilj undoubtedly 
see my dear sainted mother. Perhaps she was 
even waiting at heaven's gate to receive her; 
for they were intimate friends on earth. Four 
years and more have passed since her death. 
And what changes! — changes in me for the 
better, no doubt, but— the omc thing needful is 
:again forgotten. But a few days more, and 
1848 will dawn upon us.. When that year has 
passed, where shall I be ? The coming year 
is probably the la^st that dear Josephine will 
spend with us. Q how lonely we shall be!* 

Dec. 25. The usual salutation of "Wish. 
you a merry Christmas!" early saluted my 
ears this morning ; and truly it has been such 
to me. C, J., M., and I, were invited to a 
Christmas dinner at Mr. W.'s, and had a de- 
diglnful time, 

Jan. 1. ''Wish you a happy new year !" 
echoed and re-echoed through our house this 

^Alluding to lier intended marriage and departure 
oil a foreign mission. 



d» MEMOIR OF HELE^K 

morning. Yes, 1847, with all its pleasures 
and all its trials has gone forever. O may I 
improve the coming year better than the last. 

Among Helen's papers, we find a note from 
her step-sister^ J., bearing date Jan. 2, '48, 
which we subjoin, because it throws light upon 
her state of mind at that time: 
Dear Helen — 

I have not for some time, as you well know, 
conversed freely with you about the state of 
your heart toward God — -have not expressed 
to you the deep solicitude [ have felt for yoiu 
soul's salvation. In conversing with you upon 
this subject, I seldom feel the freedom which 
I do with others. It has been unaccountable 
to myself, and I have wept and prayed over 
it, and now I take my pen. Perhaps you, too > 
would feel more freedom if you were to write 
your feelino;s. 1 sometimes feel that it is more 
than I can bear, that m^y sister — my room- 
mate — should lead the life of a backslider' 
Think of the vows you took upon you when 
you entered the church. How have those vows 
been kept? Did you heartily give your entire 
self to Christ? I cannot doubt it. Butsurelv^ 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 39 

you have left your first love. I cannot believe 
you wholly indifferent to the subject. But, 
Helen, I need not urge the danger of delay. I 
need not mention the approach of the Cholera. 
I need not remind you that the commencement 
of the term is near at hand, and that very soon 
you will be so engrossed with study that you 
will plead want of time. I need not tell you 
how to return. You know it all. I can only 
plead with you to do your duty — to crave for- 
giveness of your injured Father, and re-conse- 
crate yourself to him. That you may do so, 
is my daily prayer. Indeed, I do not think a 
waking hour passes, in which I do not heave 
a sigh, or lift a silent prayer to God] on your 
behalf. I would that my eyes were a fountain 
of tears, if thus I could win you back. But 
the work must lie between your own soul and 
God. O Helen ! will you not attend to this 
matter now ? Will you not put away pride 
and worldliness, and humble yourself before 
God, in the spirit of a true penitent? How 
can you turn your back upon such a Father, 
whose love you have once tasted ? O Helen ! 
this must not he! Do not delay. You know 
Christ is willing not only to forgive sin, but 



40 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

also to take up his abode with you. I did not 
intend to write so much, but my heart is full. 
Your loving sister, Josephine. 



Chapter viil 



JOURNAL. 



Jan. 30, '48. What shall I say? that I am 
a Christian? a living branch of the true Vine ? 

that I could ! I know that from some cause 
or other, there is a change in my feelings lately. 

1 know that my heart has been awakened from 
a state of perfect apathy; and that now I think 
and pray over the subject. But I do not feel 
my sin and guilt as I ought, and fear Sat|in is 
taking advantage of what little religious feeling 
I have lately had, to make me believe my soul 
safe, and thus lead me on towards destruction. 
I have j^ayed that I might know myself, that 
Christ would have mercy on me, a sinner. As 
far as I know my own heart, I do wish to he 
a follower of Jesus, and to throw myself at his 
feet for mercy. 

Feb. 22. I have for some time neglected 
writing in my journal, though much of interest 



42 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

has transpired meanwhile. To-morrow the 
term commences, and I am glad the time has 
come. I do hope I can go on steadfast in the 
path of duty. I mean in social and school duties. 
But of how much greater importance it is 
that I keep my heart right before God ! O that 
I could feel my soul alive within me to spirit- 
ual things ! I shall make it my aim to improve; 
— to improve in manners, in language, in thought 
and feeling, in knowledge of human nature, 
and indeed, in every thing. O for the Spirit 
of God to direct me ! I now think it possible, 
yes, almost probable, that I shall not go on and 
finish my course with this class. Some time 
ago I would not have cherished such a thought 
for a*fnoment, but now I am taking it into se- 
rious consideration. Here I am in my seven- 
teenth year, expecting to graduate from the 
Ladies' Course one year from next August, 
and yet so poorly prepared, so ignorant^f much 
that I ought to know, so much of a child — I 
must not go forward. At the age of thirteen 
I was a habCy and now, three or four years hav- 
ing elapsed, I am expected to be a woman, J. 
ivas at my age ; but she left babyhood at the 
right time, came naturally and straight along 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 43 

through childhood, until she is now what she 
is. Those who know nothing about tiiis dif- 
ference, cannot make the necessary allowance, 
but, judging by my size and the studies I pur- 
sue, expect of me more than is meet. 

Feb. 24. I must ivrite more. Each day 
I resolve to do so, but defer it. I intend to set 
apart a specified time in which I will do that 
and nothing else. I think of so many things 
I want to do, that I am almost bewildered. 
New^ thoughts keep rushing into my mind, and 
will not be denied admittance, even if I wished 
it, which 1 do not. Though they are unbidden 
guests, they are welcome. I am inclined to 
think I had better not frequent society much 
this term. I do intend to be a faithful student, 
and see how long I can go without a failure 
in recitation. My plan at present is, not to let 
any of my class-mates know^ of my design to 
stop study at Commencement, and let it come 
upon them unexpectedly. I should like to try 
them in this way and see if they care anything 
about me. I should like then to teach for some 
time, perhaps in Michigan, with Uncle J.^ 
though I would be content with a little district 
school almost any where, if I may but teach. 



44 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

And so I plan and plan for the future, though 
I know not what is before me. 

March 30. Have been out with several 
class-mates and acquaintances, on an excursion 
which was planned some time ago, and have 
had a delightful time. I think H. is of a very 
sad disposition ; never seems to feel any of that 
exhilaration of spirits which is so pleasant and 
so useful; — useful, because it so enlivens the 
whole being. We all admire his clear-sight- 
edness and correctness in everything. He 
certainly has little love for society, and little 
power of adapting himself to circumstances. 
I should like to have him under the influence 
of our family awhile. I think we have at our 
house just about the right amount of life, 
cheerfulness, and joy. This is my opinion, 

April 19. I think every day about my plans 
for the autumn. Attend lectures on Moral 
Philosophy with this in view. So, in almost 
everything, I am endeavoring to prepare my- 
self for teaching. My heart will become pretty 
well set upon it by that time, unless I am very 
careful. Often I picture to myself my absence 
from home, my school-room and pupils, my 
letters from home, &;c., &c. 



GTRACE VICTORIOUS. 45 

April 20. We received a letter from Mr. 
Cushman to-night.* He writes, *' Perhaps I 
shall start for the United States, by the 20th of 
May." He has not had a letter from the 
States since he has" been theie. It seems very 
strange, when so many have been written. 
He feels sadly about it, and we all sympath-ize 
with him. I think he will be here as soon as 
possible. Then they will be married and re- 
turn to that country. But haw shall I bear 
Josephine's absence? 

April 25. Accepted an invitation to-day to 
visit S. P., and had a profitable time. She is 
my true friend. She kindly warned me against 
pride, which she thought I might be tempted 
to by flattery. She also talked about the fick- 
leness of some who professed ardent friendship 
for me. I feel grateful for her kindness. I 
know I am proud; 1 know flattery affects me. 
O that my heart were wholly Christ's; then 
might I look to him and be safe. 

April 30. Sabbath. A beautiful morning. 
As I sit by my window, the breeze just stirs 
the foliage of the trees ; the air is loaded with 

*Theii absent on an exploring tour in the Island 
of Hayti. 



46 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

the fragrance of the cherry and pear blossoms 
near me ; the sun shines brightly; a few fleecy 
clouds lie against the bosom of the clear sky, 
so thin that we can see through them to the 
blue dome beyond, and the merry birds are 
singing their sweetest songs of praise to that 
Gdll who created and reigns over all ; and soon 
tiie bell will summon us to his sanctuary. O 
that I had a heart to it! One year from this 
SOth of April, where shall I be? among the 
living, or among the dead? in Oberlin, at my 
home, or absent among strangers? If I only 
had Christ to lean upon, how happy I should be! 
June 4. How the weeks fly! Can it be 
June? Wish we could hear again from Mr. 
Cushman; — dread to have him return to this 
country, because we must then soon bid J. 
farewell. O how lonely we shall be! 

8. Had a good talk with J. about matters 
and things. It is finally settled ^ that when Mr. 
C. and J. leave, mother will accompany them 
to New York. 1 am glad indeed. It will be 
so pleasant for them both. 

18. Sabbath. Father has gone to preach 
at Amherst, and J. has gone with him. I am 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 47 

led to look at myself. O my condition ! TV hat 
will become of me? The lowest hell is too 
good for me. Sometimes I almost wish every 
friend would forsake me ; then perhaps I might 
feel my dependence on God. 

21. Received a letter to-day from Cousin 

Alice, now Mrs. Knox, inviting me to spend 

next winter with her in Eome, N. Y., where 

. her husband is preaching. Had quite a talk 

with mother about it this evening. 

23. J. has to-day received a letter from Mr. 
C. He is to be here the jfirst week in July. 
1 have just l)een appointed by the Ladies' Lit- 
erary Society, to read an essay at their annual 
meeting in August. What a ridiculous blunder 
it was in them to appoint me ! 

July 1. Mr. Cushman has arrived, and we 
were indeed glad to see him, and sorry too ; 
for he comes to take from us our dear Josephine. 
He is in better health than before he went to 
the West Indies. I do not, can not realize that 
J. is to leave us so soon. 

8. Have answered Cousin Alice's letter 
to-day. Have not given her a decisive answer, 
but am inclined to think I shall not go. Uncle 



4S MEMOIR OF HELE^. 

J. has arrived to-day. We were rejoiced to 
see him. He stayed but a few hours, but will 
return with his wife in season to attend sister 
J.'s wedding, which is to be on Thursday, the 
20th. O how can I bear it? By not thinking 
about it at all, 

20. A day full of excitement and interest. 
Josephine is now Mrs. Cushman. Father 
officiated. Have had a large company, a house 
full, and all has passed off happily. 

24. Mother, Mr. Cushman and Josephine 
have gone, and father has accompanied them 
as far as Cleveland. I did not realize that they 
were indeed all gone, until I came home from 
Rhetorical Exercises. Aunt R. had been with 
me all the time, and I had expected her ta 
remain all night; but she has gone another 
way, and it is lonely indeed. My little sisters 
will sleep with me to-night. I thought I would 
not shed a tear, yet here I sit crying. And 
with cause enough, too; — mother gone, and, 
as to Josephine, perhaps I shall never see her 
again; not even father here; how glad I shall 
be to see him to-morrow. Hope Aunt R. will 
be with me then. But I must control my 
feelings. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 49 

25. My heart has been in my mouth and 
tears in my eyes almost all day, though I have 
done my best to restrain and govern my feelings. 
All sorts of discouraging thoughts rushed upon 
me. I however attended to ail my usual duties, 
and kept crowding back the tears. 

26. Father arrived home late in the even- 
ing; of course I did not see him till morning. 
He says he saw mother and J. on board the 
steamboat Baltic, before he loft Cleveland, so 
I presume they are now with their friends in 
Alden, N. Y. O the desolateness of our house ! 
Looking into the nursery, there, gathered round 
the stand, sat the six children without a mother. 
My lessons have come out minus. Many speak 
sympathizingly to me about the loneliness I 
must feel now my sister is gone. 

Aug. 1. Have written Josephine to-day. 
Am making some progress in my preparations 
for the Annual. 

4. Have had a real good play with John, 
which has done me good. Have finished my 
composition for Monday. Am glad, glad ; and 
should be more so if it were the one for next 
week Wednesday. 

6. Where are mother and J. to-day? One 



50 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

week from next Wednesday! — and no one to 
go to for a word of advice aboiU dress or essay. 
O if it were only finished, and such an one as 
would satisfy me. I should rejoice. Well, the 
best I can do is to try. 

10. Have spent two days in writing. Re- 
gret so much thue spent upon this article. 
Read it to father. He said, "very good, in- 
deed." That v/as worth a great deal to me. 
We had a large audience, but I did not read 
loud enough; could do better another time. 

19. Day before yesterday, father went to 
Cleveland to meet pi other, on her return from 
New York, and both arrived here between 
seven and eight this morning, having spent the 
night in Elyria. 

25. This morning went down stairs to tell 
mother some of my adventures in our horse- 
back ride yesterday, and met her coming to see 
me, and we had a real good long talk. Have 
written a letter to J. to-day, and received one 
from her. I have concluded not to recite this term. 

26. Who ever had such a father and moth- 
er as I have? I respect and revere them more 
and more, the longer I live. I know I love 
them ten-fold better than I used to. 



CHAPTER IX. 



■LETTER TO S. P. 



Oberlin, 8epL 11, 1848. 
My much beloved Sarah — 

How can I express to you in words, the feel- 
ings awakened in my heart by your thrice 
welcome letter. It would be vain to attempt 
it; but I can assure you, that letter spoke to 
my heart. And why? Because, through it 
€ame the breathings of a warm heart. It is 
indeed but a poor return that I can make you. 
I see and feel the superiority of that heart 
which is filled with the love of God. I find 
myself inclined to look for happiness from the 
persons and things with which I am surround- 
ed, and whenever I meet with disappointment, 
to say, "I will not be troubled about it," or, 
^'I don't care." But I know, as well as you, 
that this is a poor, miserable way of living. 
Were it not for that superior happiness which 

B2 



52 MEMOIR OF HELEK". 

I know attends a life of failh in Christ, I should 
say now, *' I am a very happy girl." I have 
lately discovered a kind of delight in being a 
little lonely. It seems to me that I miss sister 
J. more and more. If there is anything in 
which 1 am highly interested, especially in 
reading, it seems to me that she must see and 
read it with me. I had learned to feel that 
she sympathized with me, was interested in 
the same things, felt as I did, in short, under- 
stood me. If I felt sad or troubled, even 
though I did not speak to her about it, I felt 
safe. What an uneasiness I used to feel when 
I did not know where she was. Now, all 
seems like vacancy. 

I had a good deal of anxiety and trial in 
preparing my essay for the annual of the Lit- 
erary Society, especially as mother was absent. 
I read it to father for criticism, and he only 
said, '*I like it very well; be sure and read 
loud enough.^' Then I felt quite happy about 
it. Our class have passed creditably through 
the examination in Natural Philosophy, As- 
tronomy, and Mental Philosophy. 

I am now teaching a little school two hours 
a day, in my chamber, for my brothers and 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 53 

sisters. You speak of my going to Cincin- 
nati to teach. I have rather intended to teach 
somewhere this fall, and should love to be near 
you, but should need to get answers to a good 
many inquiries before I could take the subject 
into serious consideration. How soon should 
I go ? What should T teach ? In what branches 
should I be examined ? What wages should I 
receive ? Could I board with you ? All these 
questions must be answered, before father and 
mother can make up their minds at all, and in- 
deed before I can make up my own. Perhaps 
you did not think of being taken so much in 
earnest. If that is the case, please say so. 
Mother is anxious that I should board near the 
school, and especially that I should not have to 
walk in snow. 

I indeed rejoice that you are so happy, and 
succeeding so well there. Again, I thank you 
for your precious letter. 

Your affectionate Helen. 

The month of September appears from her 
journal, to have been almost entirely given up 
to the enjoyment of society, and we find little 
recorded beside visits and calls, made and re- 
ceived. Again she writes — 



$4 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

Oct. 1, 1848, Sabbath. Prof. Finney has 
preached powerfully all day, seeking out and 
tearing away the refuges of lies, behind which 
sinners hide. I have to-day consecrated my- 
self anew to Christ, and do believe I am ac- 
cepted of him. O that I may have grace, for^ 
of myself, I can not stand. O that all the in- 
iluences from within and without may be of 
such a nature as not to hinder the work of 
grace from being perfected. 

Oct. 3. Wrote to J., read some, and attended 
a meeting of the Moral Reform Society. My 
friend S. P. is teaching in one of the Union 
Schools of Cincinnati, and is desirous of hav- 
ing me come and join her ; thinks she can 
procure me a situation. Should love to go, if 
parents will consent ; think it will be a benefit 
to me in various ways. I wish to see a little 
more of the world, and wish to teach very 
much indeed. 

Helen's parents, after scanning closely the 
motives which prompted this desire on her part 
to go and teach in Cincinnati, became convinced 
that they were mainly two: — First, to increase 
her facilites for a more general knowledge of 



C^RACE VICTORIOUS. 56 

the world, and to exercise herself in the busi- 
ness of moulding and influencing mind, and in 
both these ways promote her own improvement; 
and second, to do more good than she could 
hope to as a pupil. These motives weighed 
strongly in the minds of the parents, and to 
them was added another, viz : that of gratify- 
ing so earnest and laudable a desire, in the 
mind of their beloved daughter. Accordingly, 
after receiving favorable replies to the questions 
proposed to Miss P., and corresponding with 
Dr. B., an esteemed Christian friend in the 
city, and obtaining from him the promise of 
giving her, for the present, the place of a 
daughter in his family, her parents consented 
to her spending a few months in the city. 

LETTER TO HER SISTER J. 

Oberlin, Oct. 2, 1848. 
My dearest sister Josephine — 

Last Saturday I had a long crying spell, giv- 
ing vent to feelhigs which are not often indulged. 
Loneliness — "a volume in a word." I do not 
feel lonely for want of a kind father or a dear 
mother, affectionate brothers and sisters, a 
happy family circle, or a company of interest- 



56 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

ing friends and associates who welcome me 
most cordially into their midst, whenever I 
incline to go ; for all these blessings I have. 
(How much more than I deserve!) But an 
elder sister — and such an one — -taken away 
just as my heart was learning to love, and my 
mind becoming able to appreciate, that sister. 
Do you wonder that I miss her who has been 
with me continually for so long a time, always 
instilling some good into my mind, both by 
precept and example? O the precious days 
jrou and 1 spent together last winter and spring ! 
— they will never return to us. 

But how are you, dear Josephine? Relying 
implicitly upon the word of God? Trusting 
your all peacefully in his hands ? I, too, have 
cast myself at his feet, pleading for mercy, and 
by his grace will be a different girl. 

Your letters are a treasure to us. Could you 
but see the joyful faces and glistening eyes, 
when a letter from Josephine is announced, 
you would feel amply rewarded for turning 
aside often from all other duties, to say a few 
words to us. Still more interested would you 
be, could you look into the heart and see the 
emotions there, too deep for utterance. I think 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 57 

that neither a morning or evening season of 
family worship has passed since you left, at 
which " those dear absent ones " have not been 
specially remembered. 

You have one privilege which we have not. 
When you think of us, you know where we 
are, and how we are probably occupied. And 
(by the way,) I have in imagination pictured 
your home, the house, your room, &c., though 
without the slightest hint upon which to base 
my plan. 

The other evening after I had prepared to 
retire, though quite late, 1 sat down by the 
north window, (your old seat,) to think of you 
and look at the stars. I thought, there are some 
objects upon which we may both look at the 
same time, and it would seem almost as though 
our eyes met. After looking at the familiar 
old Dipper a long time, almost dreaming that 
I saw you, it seemed very easy just to lower 
my eyes a little, and then — why should I not 
see you? How real such imaginary ideas are 
sometimes rendered at night, when the mind 
has been for a long time fixed upon one object* 

You know I am not apt to be visionary or 
imaginative, so I will venture to tell you how I 



58 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

have come to regard the clock in our room, of 
which you used to take the care. At one time 
it seemed to speak to me like an old friend of 
yours, and though that idea was soon gone, yet 
I have loved it ever since for your sake, and 
imagine it sympathizes with me. But enough 
of this. Do write us soon and often. 

Your afFt. sister, Helen. 

LETTER TO S. P. 

Oberlin, Oct. 6, '48. 
Very dear Sarah — 

Last Tuesday evening a letter for Helen was 
announced, to my great joy. I have much to 
say to you, but must confine myself to one 
subject, and a few words only on that. How 
pleasant it will be, if, in a few weeks, I should 
be with my friend Sarah, teaching in Cincin- 
nati ! What ! pleasant to leave home, and all 
that I hold so dear? Yes, if duty calls; but 
not without. Surely, I ought to be up and 
doing all I can for my own good and that of 
others. This leads me to wish to go some- 
where and teach, and nowhere should I love 
to go so well as to Cincinnati. I think tM)^ 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 59 

probability is, that father and mother will give 
their consent. I will keep you informed. 

The Spirit of God is working in the hearts 
of many in an especial manner, in this place, 
at the present time, and I have great reason to 
be thankful that I have not been left entirely 
to myself, but, through the long suffering 
goodness and mercy of Christ, have been led 
to cast myself at his feet, and to seek and ac- 
cept forgiveness. I feel that I could not have 
gone to Cincinnati, without the presence of 
Christ. At war with him, how feeble and 
powerless ; but, at peace with him, how strong I 
From your afl\. friend, 

Helen M. Cowles, 

LETTER TO J, 

Oberlin, Oct. 10, 1848. 
My dear Josephine — 

I do n't know as I shall ever be able to de- 
cline an invitation to wTite you. Hence, I take 
up my pen to fill out mother's letter. Would 
you not like to take a peep into our room some 
morning ? I say morning, because it then looks 
so cheerful and joyous. For my own sake, 1 
should like lo have you come in the evening. 



60 MEMOIR OF HELEN* 

Last night, after a good play in the kitchen, I 
went up stairs to our room ; the beautiful moon 
shone brightly in, casting the shadow of the 
window-frame upon the floor, yet it looked 
darR and Bad, because lonely. But, as 1 said, 
come in the morning. Well, here I am, run- 
ning hither and thither, sweeping Charles' 
room and dusting ours, (by the way, I do not 
take as much trouble as you used to, as I laid 
aside all the ornaments on table, stand and 
mantle, when you left, only my books and a 
few necessary things remaining.) At 8 o'clock, 
seven children, not altogether strangers to you, 
enter and take their seats — Henry by my win- 
dow, John by yours. Smith in a little chair one 
side of your stand, Sarah in another between 
the stand and bureau, Mary at the foot of the 
bed, &c., &;c. Soon, what a busy group, del- 
ving after the hidden treasures of knowledge, 
which I assure them, as often as their ease-lov- 
ing spirits begin to flag, are surely there, and 
will soon be in possession of such of thera as 
take for their motto, "• Try, try again." 

We are very anxious to hear from ybu again. 
Write soon. 

Your loving Helen, 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 61 

JOURNAL. 

Oct. 24. Have been mostly occupied for a 
few (lays with receiving calls from class-mates 
and friends, while the family have been sewing 
for me, preparatory to my leaving for Cincin- 
nati. Have received letters of recommendation 
from my teachers, as good as I could wish. 

25. Left home, sweet home, this morning. 
When shall I see it again? Father accompa- 
nied me to Bellevue ; had an interesting visit 
with him as we rode. On our arrival, found 
that the cars did not leave in the evening ; went 
therefore and spent the night at Mr. B.'s. 

26. While at breakfast this morning, was 
called for to go to the depof^ There we met 
with Dr. Hill and wife who were going to C, 
to whom father introduced me, and in whose 
care he placed me. I was very happy in their 
company; they were so kind through the whole 
journey. All was new, interesting and excit- 
ing to me. Arrived at Dr. B.'s late in the 
evening. 

27. In the morning studied, and in the after- 
noon went with S. to her school, after which 
we took a walk about the city. This evening 



62 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

Iiave had a good crying spell. Cannot get 
alone to pray. 

29. Sabbath. Attended church twice and 
a prayer-meetuig in the evening. To trust in 
the Lord and do good shall be my aim, 

Helen's journal was regularly kept during 
her stay in Cincinnati, but as her letters con- 
tain the same, except the very minute details, 
and express much more fully her feelings and 
slates of mind, we give place chiefly to the 
latter, resuming the former at the date of her 
last letter home. 



CHAPTEE X. 

RESIDENCE IN CINCINNATL 

LETTEE TO PAEENTS. 

Cincinnati, Oct. 30, '48. 

Very dear Fatker and Mother — 

Here I am, safe and sound, and very happy 
this evening; for I have boen teaching this 
afternoon, and expect to continue on through 
the week at least, in the place of a young lady 
who is disabled by inflamed eyes. When I 
left Bellevue, I felt badly enough that the cars 
started so suddenly tfeat I could not bid father 
good bye. I sprang to the door of the car, 
but could not see him. Dr, Hill was very kind 
and attentive. I became quite interested in his 
wife and children. She would not allow me 
to consider myself under any obligation to them, 
because she said I had aided her so much in 
the care of her children. 



64 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

It was late wlien I arrived at Dr. B.'s. In 
the afternoon of the next day, I went with Sarah 
to her school, and was introduced to Mr. A., 
the Principal. Afterwards walked with S. till 
nearly dark. How glad I was to get back to 
the Dr.'s ; but I found it impossible to get alone 
to pray, and my heart was full to bursting. 
Everything conspired to make me weep, partly 
for joy and partly for sadness. Everything 
which appeared like home filled my eyes with 
tears. Mrs. B. calls me " Helen," and it sounds 
good to me. But O for pure air, free from 
coal-smoke, good water, and a bowl of bread 
and milk ! 

On the Sabbath, I attended Rev. Mr. Lord's 
church in the morning, and in the afternoon, 
the church of which Dr. B. is a member. The 
last Sabbath evening I spent at home, I shall 
never forget. I wish I had talked more with 
my brothers before I left. But I must close. 
Everything has hitherto been just as kindly 
ordered for me as if I had always bee« a grate- 
ful, obedient child of God. 

With much love, Helen. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 65 



LETTER TO C. P. 



Cincinnati, Nov. 6, '48. 
My very dear Clara-; — 

I am very glad indeed to sit down and write 
you to-day, because I have so longed to talk a 
little with you, and because niy letter will, as 
I trust, bring a speedy answer. I must just 
say a word about that day when I left home, 
dear home and friends, for a land of strangers. 
But Clara, 1 felt that I had one Friend who would 
go with me, remain with me, guard, guide and 
direct me, for I had consecrated myself to him, 
committed my interests into his hands, and he 
had accepted the charge. That day was in 
some respects the happiest day of my life — I 
did so enjoy father's company and conversation. 
It fed my mind and warmed my heart. I 
thanked God for such a father. He treats his 
wife and daughters as companions, and enjoys 
and appreciates their sympathies. We had 
ahuost all sorts of roads, and the scenery was 
some of it fine. I had more poetical thoughts 
that day, than ever before in my life. Was 
really quite encouraged about myself. But 
alas ! they all evaporated before the next day, 



66 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

and the city is no place for their reproduction. 
Before I slept that night, I had in imagination 
written a long letter to yon, and another home. 

At Bellevue, father introduced me to Dr. 
Hill, a Professor in a Medical College in Cin- 
cinnati, whither he was going with his family. 
I only stept out of the cars once, till I reached 
Cincinnati, late in the evening. 

I have already seen considerable of the city, 
and have begun to teach. I have met with 
nothing to trouble me much as yet, except the 
smoke, the dense coal-smoke, which sometimes 
almost chokes me, and is really offensive. 
Speaking of teaching — the house in which I 
have taught is a large, three-KStory brick build- 
ing, with a steeple and bell. My business has 
been to hear recitations. Each half hour, a 
class comes in to recite to me, I have found 
it very pleasant. The prospect of the adjacent 
hills, from the windows of the building, is very 
fine. You know Cincinnati is situated in a 
basin, formed by hills which surround it on all 
sides. 

I am sure I have obtained the love of the 
little girls I have taught. One night as T came 
from school they crowded around me, so that 



0RACE VICTORIOUS* 67 

I could hardly walk, and when we parted, they 
were all eager for a kiss, though there were a 
great many people in sight. When I got to 
my room, I dropped upon my knees, thanked 
God, and wept tears of gratitude. I do believe, 
Clara, that I can teach pretty well, with enough 
of the love of God in my heart to make me 
pleasant. Now, don't fail of writing me soon. 
Nov. 7. Again I take my pen, to add a 
little before I close my letter. This morning 
I went to market with Dr. B. What a laugh- 
able time we had amongst the Dutch and Irish 
women, as we went through the market, which 
extends the whole length of a square. The 
Dr. went before, and i walked and ran and 
jumped and danced along after him. I like 
my home here very much. 

No one would ^lovj-a-days think me stoical^ 
if they could see my heart. I believe it has 
really become a heart of flesh instead of stone. 
I am not homesick, yet many times in a day 1 
have to exert myself to keep back the rising 
tear. I tell Sarah that I bite it off. Sometimes 
it is pretty stubborn, but so is my wdll. I al- 
Vt^ays manage to control my manifestions of 
feeling, except when I have time that I can 



^ MEMQIR OF HELEB?* 

afford to give up to it. But oh ! those dearly 
loved ones at my sweet hom€, v^hich a world 
of vanity and fashion cannot make me love less 
than I now do. Kvery time I put on that silk 
sack wdlh which mother furnished me as I was 
about leaving, I think of her with gratitude* 
It is just exactly the thing for me here. How 
much I think of Josephine, too! We who 
were so long together in that room are very 
widely separated. But are we not both mis- 
sionaries? She is surely, and I may be. O 
may I be instructed of God, to win souls to 
him! Once more I say, Do write me soon. 
Your affectionate, Helen. 

LETTER TO MOTHER. 

Cincinnati, Nov. 11, '48. 
My dear Mother — 

Saturday night has again come, and I cannot 
refrain from writing you. I have been with 
you in spirit all this week. In the morning I 
ask, *' What are they daing now?" At noon 
I see you all seated at the table, notice the look* 
of one, and hear the remarks of another, and 
heartily wish I could have my share of those 
large delicious apples, from father's orchard. 



ORACE VICTORIOUS. b9 

At evening, I am with you in season to attend 
family worship, when each one, seated in his 
or her accustomed place, lives before my mind's 
eye. But there is one vacant seat, there by 
the melodeoa, where you know dear J. used 
to sit. How often last summer at evening 
prayers, was my mind filled with sorrowful 
thoughts as I gazed upon those loved features, 
and thought how soon we were to part. But 
I did not realize how great my loss would be, 
until she was indeed far away.; and it is only 
just now that I have begun to understand how 
she must lo7i.g fov home, and what she sacri- 
iiced for Christ's sake. If I have learned 
nothing else by coming here, I have learned to 
love my home as I never did before. If this 
world had not been just such an one as it is, I 
do not think Cincinnati would have held me 
all this week. How often I have said, "O that 
I had wings!" But I rely on the belief that 
It was the will of my Savior that I should come 
here, and he will bring all out well at last. I 
often enquire within myself, how should I have 
felt, or how should I havo acted, had not my 
faith in God been strong ? Never before, deair 
mother, have I had such faith as no w^ Nev&r 



W JIEMOIR OF HELEJT. 

has my soul been so stayed on Christ, as since 
I have been here. I do believe he has sent me 
here to do good — to be a missionary. My 
heart has been filled with thanksgiving for the 
unceasing loving-kindness which has always 
marked my pathway, and I have been and am 
now determined to spend the remainder of my 
life in the service of that God who has done so 
much for me^ 

I cannot tell you, dear mother, how joyful 
I was to receive a letter from father and you, 
and as I read, my joyful feelings were turned 
into heartfelt gratitude, to God for such a letter 
and for such parents, I don't know that I 
ever before shed tears of joy; but that letter 
received many, and was worthy of them. 

How very often and very much I think of 
the last months Josephine and T spent at home 
together; of the happy hours in our room; 
and of her now, far, far away. How anxious 
I am to hear from her. 

I have no permanent situation as teacher yet. 
They all say that situations usually come un- 
expectedly, and that I may have a call any day. 
Sarah says, things look much more favorable 



GRACE VICTORIOUS, 71 

for me than they did for her. I believe she did 
not teach for a month. 

I presume that when a place offers, I shall 
see that it was best that I should not have had 
one sooner. Yesterday I taught a select school 
for a lady who was sick. 

"Powers' Greek Slave" has been drawing 
multitudes since I have been here, but I have 
not been to see it, nor spoken of going ; for I 
knew the Dr. had been, and would, if he thought 
it best, speak of our going, and as he did not 
incline even to talk about it, I did not wish to 
see it. 

I have visited the Art Union^ and almost 
wished I could live there. I never before saw 
anything so beautiful in the works of art. I 
wish 1 could describe to you some of the paint- 
ings, but almost every one was so true to nature, 
and so beautifully planned and executed, as to 
render it impossible for me to do it justice* in de- 
scription. I wished again and again that some 
member of our family, whom I thought of, was 
there to enjoy it with me. 

Yesterday, as my school was too far distant 
from Dr. B.'s to go home to dinner, I took a 
walk of nearly a mile. I walked by the river 



72 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

some time, until, as I looked up, I saw that the 
building in whose shadow I was walking, was 
a distillery; and presumed that the men stand- 
ing in its doors were none of the best stamp, 
so I would not allow myself to linger, or look 
about at all, but walked as if on business the 
rest of the time. I love to walk where I can see 
the river. The Ohio side is completely lined 
with boats, some steamboats and some ferry- 
boats, (fee, &c. On the other side, though 
two cities lie there in sight, all looks as though 
they had gone to sleep. I often feel more 
alone, while walking these thronged streets, 
than at any other time. Many a time do I 
think of these lines : 

"When the church bells rejoice that the Sabbath is 
here, 
I weep while I pray — I'm alone, all alone ; 
I'm alone, though I rove through the city's throng'd 

street; 
There are none that I love, no kind smile do I meet; 
I haste through the crowd, all unheeded, unknown, 
For thou art afar — I'm alone, all alone." 

Yesterday, as I was walking alone, I thought 
how strange it would look to our people, if 
they could see me so much at home in the heart 
of this great city, and I almost wished that 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 73 

they could by some power look down upon 
me as easily as Christ or my sainted mother 
can. 

I suppose yon have received a letter from J, 
for me; if so, can you send it to me? O how 
I long for the music we have at home. But I 
am often with you in imagination, to hear and 
enjoy it. 

I dream of home and Josephine very often, 
but I am happy here. Sarah is just as kind 
and affectionate as she can be. I am nearly as 
much at home here now as she is, though I try 
not to be too forward. She is used to living 
away from home and I am not. When I have 
been out anywhere, I cannot bear to go right 
up stairs, without just stepping in to tell Mrs. 
B. something or other, and I think she likes 
it of me. How much I think, dear mother, of 
your kind exertions in preparing me for leaving 
home. Will you ask Minerva to take my 
place as *' Penny-a-week collector." Do write 
me often as you can. You do not know how 
much good your letter and father's did me; — 
every word of it sunk deep into my heart, there 
to act as a stimulus to future well-doing. I 
remember you all at the Throne of Grace, and 



'74: MEMOIR OF HBLEJf. 

also tlie dear one so far distant. Do you always 
remember me? I know you do, and the thought 
cheers me on in the path of duty from day to 
day. 

Your afft. daughter, Helen. 

LETTER TO FATHER. 

November 11. 
My DEAR Father — 

I am very thankful to you for your letter. 
It was an unexpected blessing, as I supposed 
your time would be so fully occupied, that you 
would be apt to leave the letter-writing to other 
hands. How often I shall read it over until I 
get another ! and then that will be rend and 
re-read. It does me goo J — strengthens my 
good resolutions, rfiakes me more determined 
to live wholly for God and for the souls of my 
fellow-creatures. 

Dr. B. has promised me tracts, and a district 
in which I shall be the regular distributor. 
Expect to go for the tracts to-day, and hope 
vi^ith ihe help of the Lord to do much good. 
I was very glad to see an Oberlin Evangelist. 
I shall look upon those as letters from home. 
I am anxious to know if the state of rehsious 



CfRACE VICTORIOUS. 75 

feeling continues to be as interesting as when 
I left. I hope your health will not suffer from 
your preaching this winter. O how I long for 
a sight of home ! Accept these few words^ 
from the full heart of 

Your affectionate daughter, Helen. 

LETTER TO HER STEP-BROTHER, C. PENFIELD. 

November 12. 
Dear brother Charles — 

According to promise, I write from my little 
gift inkstand, to you, first of all. I have found 
a great deal to busy myself about since I have 
been here, so that I have seen less of the city 
than you might imagine. Teaching, sewing 
and studying, have filled up much of my time. 
Shall I tell you about my examination last 
week? Seven men, the learned of the place, 
among ihem Mr. Ray, author of Ray's Alge- 
bra, and Dr. Lakey, whom some call Dr. Dates, 
because he is such a perfect chronological table, 
compose the examining committee. Sarah 
went with me to the "judgment-hall," which is 
a room nearly as long as our chapel. A table 
extends nearly the whole length of the room. 



76 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

upon one side of which the examiners arranged 
themselves, while the candidates were seated 
on the other. But I will not tire you with 
particulars. Suffice it to say, I think I passed 
respectably, and of" course received my certifi- 
cate. Dr. B. heard one of the examiners say, 
"That young lady, (alluding to me,) you will 
see, will be back again soon, for a principal's 
certificate;" and so perhaps I shall. I think 
it may be well for me not to engage perma- 
nently as an assiistant. Much love to M. 
Your afTt. sister, Helen. 

TO HER BROTHER HENRY. 

INovember 12. 
Dear brother — 

I want to write to €ach one of you, and hope 
you will all answer, even though it be but a 
few words. I think you boys would hardly 
know how to live here, everything is so differ- 
ent from our quiet village. You would make 
but slow progress along the street, I imagine, 
as you would want to look at so many things 
of interest. As I sit by the window, I hear as 
much noise from wagons, &c., as we do in 
Oberlin, at Commencement time, and we live 



GUACE VICTORIOUS. 77 

in a very still part of the city. When coming 
from *' down town," I turn the corner of Wes- 
tern Row, one square from the Dr.'s, it is like 
stepping out of Bedlam into a quiet parlor. 
How I should love to walk the streets with 
you and point out the various objects of inter- 
est. Last Sabbath as I was returning from 
church, I passed some boys playing marbles. 
They were right on the sidewalk, and I had 
some mind to displace them with my foot, and 
then stop and tell them I did it because it was 
wicked for them to play on God's holy day; 
but they were pretty large boys, and I was not 
sure it was best. I cannot tell now what I 
should do about it another time. 

Your loving sister, Helen. 

TO HER STEP- BROTHER, BiaELOW. 

November 13. 
Dear Brother — 

I believe I must tell you about a hand-orsfan 
I heard the other day. It sounded very loud 
and was good-toned, and made much better 
music than I supposed was ever sold in the 
street. The man was poorly dressed and car- 
ried the organ which was fastened to him with 
straps. 



78 METVSOIR OF HELEN. 

The street boys in the city are very wicked, 
as might be expected when they roam the 
streets and do just as they please. Many of 
them smoke cigars, while they are mere chil- 
dren. How much I would give for a bowl of 
good bread and milk, I was thinking, the other 
day, of the great amount of money which is 
laid out in cakes and candy here, and thought 
how much better it would be for them, if it were 
laid out in milk. I hope, Bigelow, you will 
prize the privilege of such simple diet, while 
you enjoy it; for I dare say, sometime you 
will be placed where yon ctnnot get it. 
With much love, Helen. 

TO HEE BEOTHER JOHN. 

November 1^. 
Dear Brother John — 

I often think of my brothers and sisters 
as men and women, wondering what kind 
of people they will make ten or twenty 
years hence. John, the only v/ay to be truly 
great and good, is to live for Christ, always 
doing good. Will you not live so? What 
school do you attend now? Please write, and 
tell me all about the things tliat interest you. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS, 79 

On Saturday I left my work awhile, for a little 
play. William B., Dr.'s little boy, about the 
age of our Smith, asked me to come in to his 
'* candy-pull." We had a fine time — 1 made 
my part quite white. I shall want to be with 
you all at Thanksgiving ; but as I cannot, I 
will offer up my thanks here. 

Your affectionate Helen. 

TO HER STEP-BROTHER, SMITH. 

November 13. 
Dear Smith — 

My book-mark, *« Beware of light reading," 
reminds me of you very often, for I keep it 
in my Bible. Another thing, too, the other 
day reminded me of you so forcibly as to bring 
tears to my eyes. I read the '' Blind Boy," 
which you used to sing. At first I could hardly 
bear to read it, but finally read it over and over 
again. I have a '* Forget-me-not," which I 
rather think came from Sarah. I find it easy 
to obey such injunctions. Mary's name brings 
tears to my eyes at once. 

Helen. 



80 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

TO HER SISTERS, SARAH AND ^ MARY, 

November 13. 
Dear Girls — 

I shall love to think of you, Sarah, as one of 
Christ's dear little lambs. How much Mary 
and you will love each other, and how much 
you can do for each other's happiness ! You 
must remember, when you are tempted to treat 
each other unkindly, that you will not always 
live together, as you now do ; and then, if you 
have not been always kind, I know you will 
be sorry. 

[ thank you, Mary, for the information about 
the kittens. I want to have you tell me every 
such little thing. I shall consider all your let- 
ters, children, very important. You wanted to 
have me tell you about the little girls I teach 
here. Well : in the same class, I have some 
as large as Mary Lambertan and some as small 
as Louisa Fitch. Some of them have curly 
hair, which hangs in ringlets all around their 
heads. One little girl, Ann Crow, a Dutch 
girl, is an excellent scholar and a good giil. 
For awhile, at first, whenever I spoke to any 
of them about aning wrong, they would not 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 81 

speak, but cover up their head and face. This 
was very unpleasant to me, but I have got them 
almost cured of it now. I try to make them 
see that I love them, and when at recess they 
stand around the stove, I ask them about their 
brothers and sisters, and tell them about mine. 
But I have not time to write more to-night. 
Your afft. sister, Helen. 

letter to her grandmother. 

Cincinnati, Nov. 29, 1848. 
Dear Grandmother — 

You will be surprised to see that I write you 
from Cincinnati, and more so still, to learn that 
I expect to spend several months here. I came 
here one month ago, to engage in teaching, at 
the request of a young lady with whom I had 
been long acquainted, and who has been for 
some months teaching here in the Union 
Schools. 

The day I left home was one long to be re- 
membered : leaving my dear home to go among 
strangers for the first time. Father went with 
me in our carriage almost a day's journey, to 
Bellevue, where I took the cars for Cincinnati. 
I enjoyed his company exceedingly, but when 



82 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

he left me the next morning, I felt indeed 
lonely. I trusted, however, that my Heavenly 
Father watched over me. In father's first let- 
ter to me, he wrote thus: "I watched the car- 
windows in vain for a last look, and then my 
heart seemed to go off with you, in those 
thundering cars, and I should have been glad 
if I could have gone too." My full heart 
overflowed when I read that. There could not 
be a better or a kinder father than I have. 

If I had kept on with my studies, I should 
have entered upon my last year, in August. 
But we all agreed in thinking that the benefit 
to me from that one year's study, would be 
much greater when I should be a little older. 
I taught five of my brothers and sisters and two 
other children, for awhile in the fall, in my 
own room. 

Josephine was married and left for the West 
Indies in July. I felt rather lonely for a time. 
We had become strongly attached to each oth- 
er. She is a very superior girl in every respect. 
It was an unexpected trial to mother, to have 
me leave her too; and it was rather hard, as I 
was becoming more and more near and dear to 
her, and was learning to love her and my home 



ORACE VICTORIOUS. S3 

more and more. But I think the Lord directed 
me here. I see his hand in everything, have 
been prospered here, and am determined to 
spend my life in doing good; for should I do 
all that is possible, I could never repay the debt 
of love I owe. I long to bless the souls of 
those I teach. I went last Sabbath and assisted 
in forming a Sabbath school in the City Hos- 
pital, where one was greatly needed. I am 
thankful for the opportunity of dmng good 
there. 

Words cannot tell how much I should rejoice 
to see the relatives of my dear sainted mother, 
and I believe I shall, at some future time, visit 
them. 

Your last letter rejoiced me much. When 
I read it over, I feel as though I could hardly 
wait for another ; but if I should have to wail 
a long time, it would be no more than I deserve, 
for my delay in answering your former letters. 

I am very pleasantly situated, in the family 
of Dr. Bushnell. I dislike the smoke of a city 
where coal is burned. I am glad our family 
is not in a city — there is so much to attract 
and dissipate the mind; and yet the attractions 
I speak of are no temptation to me ; but they 



i4 BTEJSfOIR OF HELEW^ 

might be to younger children. I do believe 
our family are being trained up in the way they 
should go, and I also believe in the promise that 
they shall not depjirt from it, Saiah has, as 
we hope, been converted within a few weeks* 
Give my warmest love to all the friends, and 
accept a large share for yourself and Grand- 
father. 

Your afft. granddaughter, Helen, 

I/ETTER TO FATHER AND MOTHER. 

December 2. 
Dear Parents^ — 

Last evening, on returning from school, my 
heart was gladdened, O I cannot tell you how 
much ! by a letter from home. One week ago, 
received yours by Mr. H. I have taught all 
the past week in the Texas house, I feel 
confident, most of the time, that there is a bet- 
ter place for me than I have yet found, and am 
certain that I shall have ju&t the best place /or 
me, and that is all I want. I do not always 
feel just as I have expressed now, though I 
usually do, and my sober judgment always 
speaks the same. 

1 had expected to be examined yesterday for 
principal's certificate, but Dr. B. wished me 



^KACE VICTORIOUS. B& 

to continue teaching to supply a vacancy, and 
thought I might just as well be examined a 
month hence, and that my present certificate 
was sufficient for the present, 

I read the Watchman of the Yalley with in- 
terest, as I know you take it, and I want to 
see what you read. It gives much of the news 
of Cincinnati. Perhaps you read the account 
of the dedication of the Vine-street church, 
which I attended, Sarah and I are teaching 
Sabbath school in the Hospital, at the sugges- 
tion of Sev. Horace Bushnellg who said they 
- tiad never had one there, but needed one very 
much. We were glad to ^o. Some mothers 
attended with their children. I had sixteen in 
my class the first day, Sarah takes those who 
can read, and I those who cannot. We have 
now been there two Sabbaths. I want to as» 
sure you that Dr. B, is, as we both think, one 
of the finest men we ever saw, I respect, es- 
teem and love him more and more. He is 
exceedingly kind. But after all, I have a good 
many sad feelings ; I do so long to «ee you alL 
Each word of your letters is precious indeed, 
I tell Sarah the letters I get are the very best 
ever writtem« 



86 MEMOIR OF HELESr^ 

Give my undying love to all ray friends, and 
accept a great deal for yourselves. 

Your daughter, Helen. 

TO MOTHEK, 

December 20. 
Dear Mother— 

For a few days I have felt a little inclined to be 
sad, or at least sober, though I presume no one 
would observe it in my appearance. Sarah is 
going home to spend the holidays, and I shall 
be alone. No, not alone ; for a kind Provi- 
dence has furnished me with many friends here^ 
and my Savior will be with me. But for a day 
or two it has been difficult — it has req.uired an 
effort, to feel assured that any one could be my 
friend, or that all things are for the best. 
Nothing new has occurred to discourage me^ 
neither am I discouraged; but — 

Next Sabbath I expect to take the entire 
charge of the Sabbath school at tlie Hospital. 
I should love to write a good deal about that. 
It is very pleasant indeed for us, and I do be- 
lieve, with the grace of God, we shall do much 
good there. I have to spend some time on 
Saturdays in prepaxation, so as to make it inr- 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 87 

teresting to all. On Tuesday, S. and I called 
at Mr. Mason's. He is Professor of music. 
His wife was very friendly; invited me to come 
and make their house my home during Sarah's 
absence, as I should be apt to feel lonely. 
Met there with a lady by the name of Spencer, 
who knew father while in college, and heard 
his graduating address. That interested me 
very much. 

I like my school much, and expect it will be 
visited by the examiners to-morrow. When 
shall I hear from you again? I cannot wait 
long. O I cannot! Your letters always en- 
courage me to go on and do good. I feast on 
them, as also on the '* Evangelists." Much 
love to each member of the family. 

Let me have some more letters soon. 
Your own Helen. 

LETTER TO PARENTS. 

December 31. 
My ever dear Father and Mother — 

The sun has forever set upon 1848, and its 
events will soon be numbered with those of 
years gone by. 

It is Sabbath morning; and why should I 
not spend it in communing with those nearest 



88 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

and dearest earthly friends, to whom I can 
speak of a Savior's loving kindness ? 

I have to-day been looking back over the 
year that is past. Last 31st December, I was 
making a present for Josephine. We were 
then at home, together, enjoying all the com- 
forts of home and happy in each other's soci- 
ety. Where has one year brought us ? Sep- 
arated far from each other and far from home. 
She is in a pagan, or almost pagan land, — the 
sea between her and all she once held dear 
upon earth — deprived of all the enjoyments of 
intelligent and enlightened society, doing good, 
laboring for Jesus Christ's sake — ^^for the good 
of mankind. I presume she would not be 
back — she is happy in her self-sacrifice. 

I am in a city where I enjoy the light of 
religion and of science, — where I have many 
kind friends ; and cannot I be happy ? Cannot 
I sacrifice the ease and enjoyments of home, 
joyfully, for the sake of doing good ? 

January 1. Last night I went with the 
Doctor to a "watch-meeting," about 9 o'clock, 
and left about 11. A large house and much 
crowded. Have heard the report of guns, peal 
after peal, incessantly, ever since sundown. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 89 

During the past year, the Lord has been in- 
deed long-suffering and merciful to me. Tem- 
poral blessings^ — -all that heart could wish, he 
has bestowed upon me, and spiritual blessings 
outweighing them a thousand times. That He 
should have received me at all, after I had so 
long and so wickedly departed from him, is 
enough of itself to melt the hardest heart ; but 
besides that, he has filled my cup w^ith bles- 
sings unnumbered. I can see his kind hand 
in directing my steps here, and in ordering so 
many little incidents just in the most pleasant 
way. Never shall I be able to do enough for 
Christ. I am sometimes troubled to know 
just what I ought to do by way of direct effort 
for the good of souls. How much time I ought 
to devote to it, how much to blame myself 
when I do not accomplish all I can see that I 
might have done. For instance, last Saturday 
I intended to spend some time distributing tracts 
in my district, but did not get about it early 
enough. I had promised Dr. Hill's little boy 
that I would take him down to the river, which 
is very high now, but that trip was entirely 
crowded out. It makes me feel unhappy when 
I think how little good I have done the past 



90 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

year, and, if my *' heart condemns me, God 
is greater than my heart, and knoweth all 
things." What is life worth unless devoted 
to the great end of saving souls ? 

How much I thank God for your kindness, 
and that of all my friends. Such a debt of 
gratitude I already ovi^e as I can never repay. 
You ask about my needing more money. If I 
had much less than I now have, T should know 
how to live within my means. But I have 
been bountifully supplied, and doubt not but 1 
shall have enough to last me through. 

About coming home — I should rejoice to do 
so whenever it is best. I do not suppose I am 
actually doing a very great amount of good 
here, but I am learning how to be useful in 
many ways faster than I should at home. I 
think I have given you rather a dark jdcture 
all along ; but I have at no time been unhappy, 
except when my conscience has accused me. 
I have sometimes felt sad, and many times very 
joyful. I know in my own experience what 
peace is. Perhaps it sounds strange to you to 
hear me talk so, but it is a reality to me. 

I like Cincinnati and its inhabitants much 
better than I did at first, probably because I 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 91 

have seen and learned more about them. Have 
spent some time at Dr, Hill's the past week, 
as they have a sick son, and I find I can aid 
them some in sewing and the care of the chil- 
dren. I love the family very much; they call 
me *' Helen," which gratifies me. I took 
Christmas dinner at Rev. Mr. White's. You 
may have seen in the Watchman of the Valley 
a notice of the death of a little son of theirs. 
A.m invited to dinner to-day, to Rev. H. Bush- 
nell's. 

JSve, I have just returned from Mr. Bush- 
nell's, where we had a delightful time. I went 
in the omnibus, which I enjoyed very much, as 
it is long since I have had a ride of that kind. A 
large company of the family friends were there 
—about twenty-two in number. The scenery 
there is beautiful. Last Wednesday evening I 
accompanied Dr. and Mrs. B. to Rev. Mr. 
Boynton's donation party. So you see I mix 
in society a good deal. I wish you all a happy 
New Year. Love to all. 

Your affectionate, 

Helen. 



92 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

LETTER TO HFR GRANDMOTHER. 

Cincinnati, Jan, 3, 1849. 
My DEAR Grandmother — 

1 shall ever be grateful for a line from your 
kind hand, and a word from your affectionate 
heart. Like the letters which I receive from 
my own dear parents, yours encourage me in 
the strait and narrow way, gladden my heart 
and make it better. 

Since I united with the Church, almost three 
years ago, I have been a grievous backslider, 
and it is a wonder that I have been spared to 
enjoy what I now do of the Savior's presence: 
indeed, that I had not long ago been sent to the 
depths of Hell. But our Heavenly Father is 
long-suffering and tenderly merciful. I love to 
say, ^'Heavenly Father," and to know that 
there is One above who watches over me with 
a father's love and care. For no earthly treas- 
ure would I give up the service of Christ. 

I am boarding in a very pleasant Christian 
family, quiet, polite, and intelligent. I find 
very little here to tempt me to frivolity or dis- 
sipation; but were it different, I think the 
dress and fashion of those around me would 
not affect me. I admire neatness and elegance 



GRACE VICTORIOI/S. §S 

in dress and everything, but extravagance ob- 
tains no countenance from me. The principles 
and example of my dear parents are too dear 
to me for that. 

Almost every letter from home would lead 
me directly back, did it not seem that duty 
calls me to remain here for the present. Dear 
mother writes in her last letter thus — "Be 
assured, dear Helen, that we talk and pray 
about you a great deal every day; indeed I 
could hardly say that either Josephine or you 
are absent from my thoughts at all. Sometimes 
we are inclined to hope that the next letter will 
speak of your return ; and yet when we have 
received and read it, we rest satisfied to have 
you remain there (for the present) if you 
choose." That is just my dear mother. 
Sometimes I almost think I ought to return on 
her account, for I know my presence would 
add to her happiness. Yet, after all, it seems 
to me best that I should stay some time longer. 
When I return, I expect to resume my studies 
and finish up my course : and father bids me 
tell you that I shall then probably visit you and 
my other eastern friends. That will be a joy- 
ful time to me. 



94 MEMOIR OP HELEN. 

You may wonder, dear grandmother, what 
could have induced me to leave so dear a home 
to spend a winter here. Be assured it was 
not because my home is not all I could wish, 
nor that my father and mother are not the best 
and kindest of parents, nor that my brothers 
and sisters are not very dear to me, nor that I 
lacked interesting and affectionate friends and 
acquaintances ; nor yet pecuniary necessities, 
for all our wants are well supplied : but it was 
the hope and expectation of getting and doing 
good ; and that, I am free to say, is being real* 
ized. Do not be anxious about me. The 
Lord is my Father ; and I have a home within 
two or three days' ride, whicli I shall be re- 
joiced to see, and to which I shall be warmly 
welcomed whenever the proper time for my 
return shall have come. I always knew there 
was no place like home, and surely there are 
few so happy homes as my own. Again I 
thank you for your letter. 

Your loving grand-daughter, 

Helen M. Cowles. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 95 

TO MOTHER. 

January 6. 
Dear Mother— 

I can assure you that your last letter was 
welcome if none other ever was. And now I 
must hasten to tell you of a change. Sarah 
and I have left our boarding place at Dr. B.'s 
and have come to Rev. Mr. White's. I think 
when you come to know the circumstances you 
will not think we have acted unwisely. They 
were crowded at the Dr.'s. We had no room 
to ourselves. Here they have room enough. 
We have a beautiful one to ourselves, where 
we can shut our door and pray. They were 
exceedingly kind to us at the Dr.'s, but I think 
they are likely to be equally so here. I really 
wish father or Charles could come here before 
I go home. Perhaps father has too much to do; 
but cannot Charles leave his teaching for a 
little while with profit to himself? What think 
you ? Mr. White says, "Tell your mother 
not to be anxious about you, for we will take 
care of you." 

The Literary Club which father and you 
attend must be pleasant and profitable, I think. 



96 MEMOIR OV KELEN. 

What is the state of sister Sarah's mind ? and 
how is it with the other children ? Lately I 
have wished we might all be missionaries. 
That every one may be a devoted follower of 
Christ, is my constant prayer. Give a great 
deal of love to grandmother C. for me. I am 
sorry to lose her visit. Wish she could be 
with you when I return. 

I have new scholars every day. This morn- 
ing I had seventy, and yet the school was still 
as I could wish, or rather as I could expect. 
Afternoon seventy-three. My trust is in my 
Heavenly Father : he has, and does still, help 
and bless me. Accept the heart-felt love of 
you^ Helen. 

TO c. p. 

Cincinnati, Jan. 16. 

My mucii-loved Clara — 

I had indeed wondered that I did not receive 

a letter from you, and now I have just heard, 

through Mr. C, of the death of your father. 

Your letter, too, has just been handed me. 

Dear C, how shall I sympathize with you? 

] lost a mother, but then I was not at an age, 

or in a state of mind, to feel the loss deeply. 

I do not wish to turn your thoughts away from 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 9^7 

the subject of your sorrow, except so far as 
may be necessary for your own highest good/ 
but I feel deeply interested in your health and 
happiness ; and I hope and pray this affliction 
may not so affect you as to be injurious, but 
beneficial. Do not consider it assuming in one 
so young and inexperienced as I am, to speak 
to you of that "bahn in Gilead" which is of- 
fered so freely to all who need it. There is 
One who sympathizes with you in all your 
trials, to whom you can go and pour out all 
your sorrows. 

I think 1 told you something about my state 
of mind the night before I left home. Since 
then the Lord has dealt with me in great kind- 
ness. Temporal and spiritual blessings have 
been showered upon me. I wish above all 
things else to do o;- od, to bless the souls of my 
fellow-creatures. But to-night I must say I 
feel in trouble about several things. O that I 
could see just how 1 stand with my Heavenly 
Father ! I have not felt that all was right for 
several days. Why is it? I ask myself. Whei; 
I feel so, it riK-kes everything look dark. I do 
not see how 'o at^i right if I am wrong. I 
know that mv determination to live for Christ 

G 



98 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

is fixed and strong as ever ; I know that the 
Lord cares for me, and I will trust him. 

I am now teaching in the place of a young 
lady who is sick ; have about sixty-five or 
seventy scholars a day usually, all small boys 
from six to nine or ten years of age. I taught 
for some time in another school, a much easier 
one. I have learned a great deal since I have 
been h^re. Is not that encouraging, Clara? 
Much about manners and customs; what course 
to take to gain the good will and confidence of 
strangers; much about teaching school, both 
in government and instruction; something about 
doing good practically, and much about abiding 
in Christ experimentally ; and hope to learn 
much more. 

I hope to see you about July next in Oberlin: 
shall I not? As far as I now know, I shall go 
on in the Junior class. It will be far pleasanter 
for me than to have strangers for classmates. 
Sarah and I room together and hold our joys 
and sorrows in common. Away from home 
and friends, we are all the world to each other. 
I love her much. She has been home to spend 
the Christmas holidays. O how I wish you 
could visit my school-room. Upon the whole, 



15RACE VICTORIOUS. 09 

1 am really delighted with teaching. I have 
mentioned that I have learned a great deal, bnt 
neglected to speak of one important thing. I 
have learned and am still learning to love my 
home and friends as I never did before. How 
much I think of dear Josephine. She is across 
the sea, laboriitg among the dark-minded. 
Sometimes I almost imagine she has forgotten 
me. How dear to memory are the scenes of 
last stimmer ! But I have much to regret. Do 
not think, dear Clara, because I have written 
you such a letter, that I do not sympathize with 
you in your present circumstances and pray 
for you too ; for 1 do most sincerely. Sarah 
sends love. She knows what it is to lose a 
tender father. Clara, I am sincerely aiming 
to get good, to be good, and to do good, and 
^m sure that [ shall have your prayers and 
good wishes. 

Your sincere friend, Helen. 

TO PARENTS. 

January 16. 
Dear Parents— 

Letters from home are above all price. I 
have thought of waiting for another before I 



100 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

should write again, but conclude I cannot afford 
to. I am quite well and busy as ever. I do 
not see what Cin. could do without me. 1 am 
at present teaching in the Texas House— ^a 
more difficult place than I had before, but still 
very pleasant. Sarah and 1 went through three 
wards of the Hospital a week ago last Sabbath, 
distributing tracts to the inmates, and should 
have gone fartlier had not Mr. Bushnell told 
us we had gone far enough for one day. I 
met with one boy at the Sabbath-school there 
that I wish could be sent to Oberlin for an 
education: he is now under strong Catholic 
influence. 

I want to know what to say to Catholics. 
Can you tell me in a few words what I can 
say to shew them the folly and wickedness of 
their system of religion ? We have men and 
women as well as children to deal with. I 
meet with them in my tract district in the city. 
I want to ask one question which relates to my 
own spiritual life. Ought I to be at all satisfied 
with my state, unless I am at perfect rest in 
the love of Christ? I am somewhat troubled 
just now. The purpose of my heart to live 
for the glory of God is firm as ever, but I ani 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 101 

SO situated that I can be alone but little, and 
my time is so taken up with my school that I 
do not devote the attention to my tract district 
which is needed, and for some reason or other, 
I do not feel quite happy. Few persons have 
enjoyed as great blessings as I. I have slighted 
them, and yet they have been continued to me^ 
and my labors for Christ should be graduated 
accordingly. TheOberlin Evangelist does me 
good, and when I get no letter, I take that for 
one. Josephine is much in my thoughts. 
Please send letters full of love to her from me. 
Your loving daughter, Helen. 

TO FATHEE, 

February 7. 
Dear Father — 

One more day has passed away, one day 
less lies between me and my home. At night, 
as I return from school, I think if all my days 
are as short as this, it will soon be time for me 
to turn my footsteps homeward. I never can 
thank: you and mother enough for your good 
letters to me. 

I attend upon the preaching of Rev. Mr, 
Lord latterly. I think it better for me to go 



102' MEMOIR OF HELENv 

regularly to one place and feel myself at home^ 
than to make changes. 

Last evening I intended to devote to writings 
but Mr. White kindly invited me to accompany 
him to the Female College, and I was happy 
io accept the invitation. The evening was 
mostly spent in reading compositions, a few 
friends having been invited in to listen. The 
young ladies were members of a literary soci- 
ety connected with the College. The ladies 
appeared younger, I think, than those at Ober- 
lin. Mr. and Mrs. Wilbur have the charge of 
them. L presume it is a good institution. 
Though called a college, I do not see that it 
differs from a boarding-school. 

Mr. Whitens prayers remind me strongly of 
home, and so also does the conversation at 
table and elsewhere. I hope you feel satisfied 
with our change of boarding places. O how 
much better than ever shall I be able to appre* 
ciate my home when I get there. 

Your affectionate daughter, Helen. 

LETTER TO JOSEPHINE. 

March 7, 1849'. 

My VERY DEAR SISTER JoSEPHINE 

Sweet Sabbath efvenings remind me of home 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 103 

and of you. When I feel that T must have a 
visit with you, I take your miniature and exer- 
cise my memory and imagination a little. I 
can hardly realize that one with whom I have 
spent so many happy hours is now across the 
sea, and that years must pass before I may 
hope to see her. Are you never lonesome ? 
Do you never long for home and its privileges ? 
You may be abundantly blessed, yet it seems 
to me you cannot but be sorrowful sometimes. 
I know from experience that the presence of 
the Savior will prevent unhappiness, though it 
may not always prevent a longing for home. 
I think I can now understand better than form- 
erly, what it is to be a missionary, to leave 
home and its enjoyments, civilized society and 
its opportunities for improvement, for Christ's 
sake. I understand too, better than ever before, 
the blessedness of living wholly devoted to 
Christ's cause. It is my prayer that every 
one of our family may live and labor on heathen 
soil. Why i^liould they not ? 

As I write, my mind is filled with remem- 
brances of last summer's scenes, while those 
of years long before start up quick as thought 
from memory's chambers. Do you remember 



104 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

our calling upon Mrs. Bushnell and Mrs, 
Strong one cold Monday afternoon? Do you 
ever think of the hours we have spent in ready- 
ing or talking together? or of our walks to and 
from Literary Society? For a long time I 
have been abundantly blessed ; every step has 
been ordered in manifest loving-kindness. 
One blessing has followed another in quick 
succession. Since I have been here, my time 
has been pleasantly, profitably, and fully occu- 
pied, while, spiritually, I have been led in 
ways which I knew not. I now know in my 
own experience what peace and joy in God 
mean, and also, love to God and man. My 
conscience, too, is quick and active. I cannot 
measure my duty by the practice of others 
around me, for my obligations are greater than 
theirs. Where much is given, much will be 
required. 

I am now teaching in a house where there 
are, in all the rooms, between six and seven 
hundred pupils ; and there are eleven other 
school-houses in the city of like character. 
Among them all, there are said to be not more 
than half a dozen teachers, who open their 
schools with i>rayer. No one does it in the 



GRAGE VICTORIOUS. 105 

house where I teach, except myself. My 
school consists of about sixty or seventy boys. 
They are not quite as still and orderly as they 
ought to be, and yet I think they do pretty 
well, considering what kind of a teacher they 
have. O how ardently I do long to know 
more about your present circumstances than I 
now know — more about your trials and your 
comforts and your feelings in view of them. 
Do write one little letter to me personally if 
possible. It will do me good. 

Your loving sister, Helen. 

TO PARENTS. 

March 14. 
Dear Father and Mother — 

O that I could talk with you this morning 
rather than write to you. How much I shall 
have to say to you which I cannot think of 
writing. How merciful Jesus is to me. 
Sometimes he drmvs me gently to himself, and 
at other times sets in operation a train of cir- 
cumstances which drive me to him, for aid or 
safety. When I get home I can tell you all 
about my heart. 

Last Saturday I went out to the district as- 
signed me with tracts, and returned with a 



106 MEMaiR OF HELEN. 

heart full of joy and gratitude. I had been 
neglecting it for a long time ; had set many 
times to go and failed -^ had once gone with 
tracts in hand, and walked all round the square 
without entering a door ; wanted to go in, and 
yet my feet did not take nae there, and why ? 
I could hardly tell, but suppose my will was 
not strong enough. But on Saturday I had 
such a sense of the mercy and goodness of my 
Heavenly Father that I felt as though I should 
be glad to say or do anything for him. So 
Sarah and I went out together, and O how 
easy it was ! I went with a willing heart and 
a ready step, first up the very steps I had 
looked at and so much dreaded so many times. 
I visited ten families, and cannol tell you the 
happiness I enjoyed in it. Five out of the ten 
families were Catholic, I believe. The last 
place, I found a good-hearted Methodist wo- 
man. Her "God bless you. Miss," was worth 
more than gold. I think I shall never dread 
going again. I know I should be glad to give 
up anything, or do anything, to serve Christ. 
You may wonder that I need to say that, for 
it ought to be so, of course. But I speak of it 
naturally now, because there has arisen in my 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 107 

mind sometimes lately, a doubt whether I am 
in fact' really given up to Christ, and how I 
may know that I an^. My desire and determi- 
nation to bring all the tithes into the storehouse, 
to tithe time, money, and everything, have 
been so weak and ineffectual when tried by the 
demands of my conscience, the wants of the 
world, and my indebtedness to (xod, that I 
have sometimes feared all is wrong. But I 
am at peace now. I feel that I may come, 
unworthy as I am, to Christ, believing in him 
as my Savior. 

Evening, How are you all thi& beautiful 
evening f It is almost your supper time. I 
imagine the table is set and you are just wait- 
ing for C. and M. to come in from public 
prayers, just as you used to for us all, when 
J. and I lived with you. Sarah is not home 
from her school yet, though I have been here 
long enough to go through with the usual pro- 
cess of ablution and change of cloihing. As I 
was returning from school, Dr, B.'s little Albert 
told me there was a lady in their parlor from 
Oberlin. I went in and found Mrs. H. (> 
how glad I was to see her. 

Saturday morn, I was broken off from my 



108 MEMOIR OP HELEJf. 

writing last night by the arrival of Anna M., 
who came to spend the night with me* I am 
now writing with bonnet and shawl on, waiting 
for the omnibus to take me to Mount Pleasant 
to spend the day with Mr. and Mrs, Edwards, 
Anna is going too. Saturdays are the only 
days I am at liberty, and I enjoy them much. 
By the way, Anna says she shall tell a dread- 
ful story about me when she goes to Oberlin, 
how hard I am working, &c., and she knows 
you will send for me home without delay. Bat 
please not to credit her story, for I tell you all 
myself. Sometimes I feel a little like going 
home soon, and again I am all full of hope and 
desire to stay. 

I have been having a little talk with Dr. 
Cutcheon, whose lectures on physiology I have 
been attending. These lectures have indeed 
stirred me up to good works. My clothes shall 
after this, be made to hang from the shoulders 
and be looser than formerly. 

Thank you very much, mother, for sending 
me that last letter. It was like *'cold water to 
a thirsty soul." I do wish it was possible for 
father and you to come down here just before 



<?RACE VICTORIOUS. 100 

I go home. The omnibus does not come. 
Perhaps I shall not go. 

Your affectionate daughter, Helen. 

JOURNAL. 

March 14. Attended Teachers' meeting. 
Received letters from mother and Josephine. 
How anxious I am to do well in my school, 
but I am almost discouraged. Some of the 
little trials I have lately met with, have had a 
tendency in this direction. I am sure this is 
just the place for me. I shall learn in time to 
think a little less highly of myself than form- 
erly. 

March 16. Dr. B. came into my school to- 
day. My scholars were noisy, and I felt dis- 
heartened. Anna M. has been trying to per- 
suaue me to return to Oberlin with her. I do 
fee' !ke it, but feeling must not govern me. 1 
do h.A believe it best to go, and that must be 
enough. After school had a long talk with one 
of ihe leaehers, which inspired me with fresh 
energy to go forward with my school and make 
it one of the best. I carried it to my Heavenly 
Faiher. He will teach me. 



no MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

March 17. Went out to-day to distribute 
tracts, and had such a time as never before. 
Met with a real papist, set and bitter. Talked 
with him half an hour. 

March 18. This Sabbath's dawn was most 
lovely, peaceful, tranquil. But in a city like 
this, the tranquillity of the Sabbath is not per- 
fect and unbroken as in our quiet village. 
Uninterrupted praise cannot go up continually 
from the depths of the heart, there is so much 
to break in upon the sanctity of the holy day. 
On my way to church, passed eighteen open 
shops. Have been to my Sabbath-school for 
the la^t time, as the children are to be removed 
to an asylum. I am exceedingly happy to-day. 
Am perfectly at rest in the love of Jesus. That 
he is mine and I am his, I know. O that I 
may do good to souls. 

March L9. School pleasant in the forenoon, 
but rather hard in the afternoon. Thought I 
should be glad to go home, but reason said, 
*'No. Persevere— go on—try again." I have 
been prospered hitherto, and believe I shall be 
still more so. 

March 21, School pleasant. Feel encour- 
aged aud thankfuL 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. Ill 

22. A beautiful morning. Indeed, this is a 
beautiful world, made so by my Savior. *'As 
the hart panteth after the water-brooks, so 
panteth my soul after thee, O God." My 
school is prospering finely. 

24. A heavy thunder-storm. Hove to watch 
the lightning's play and listen to the thunder's 
roar, and think of the Almighty, to whom the 
earth and its inhabitants are as the small dust 
of the balance. My mind is not quite at rest 
to-night— fear I have not done all my duty with 
regard to the tracts. I want to do just what a 
heart filled with love to God and man would 
prompt me to. By this rule I have not done 
wrong. I have been thinking much of Heaven. 
Would love to be there if it were the will of 
Jesus ; free from temptation and sin. 

25. Have just returned from church. My 
mind is full of thoughts— thoughts of the glory 
of God, of his boundless love to fallen man, 
thoughts that make me long for more knowledge 
of the Bible, such knowledge as will enable me 
to argue with and refute such etrorists as the 
one I met with last week. I have this after- 
noon had precious views of the blessedness of 
a life devoted to the service of Christ. I 



112 MEMOIR OF HELEN* 

wish that the same feelings might possess my 
breast all through the coming week ; yes, and 
always. ''I know that my Redeemer liveth." 
I am his — I will be his; I see clearly the van- 
ity of every thing else. 

27. Ninety scholars to-day. Have a great 
mind to leave my school and go home. Have 
attended a concert this evening by the Handel 
and Haydn Society. Very good. Could have 
listened all night to such music. 

29. Wild was the storm which swept across 
my mind last night, laying prostrate everything 
except my faith in Christ, and even that was 
shaken. A tumult of thoughts and feelings, 
such as Satan only could send, haunted my 
mind and almost carried captive my soul. But 
Christ's promises just saved me. I think I 
shall go home very soon. I am satisfied that 
it will be for the best. I do believe God is my 
Father. T trust in him, and through faith in 
him will go on with my labors a little longer, 

30. A.fter writing the above last evening and 
committing my way to the Lord, joy broke in 
upon me most unexpectedly as I met with 
my dear brother Charles, jyst arrived from 
Oberlin. I shall not attempt to describe my 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 113 

feelings that night; but long after the old clock 
had struck the hour of twelve, I thought and 
th^'iight and thouglit of the goodness of my 
Heavenly Father in sending my brother to me 
just at this time. I can never again doubt his 
goodness. I can never fear, for he proves 
himself my Shepherd. 

To-day I have walked about the city wit?i 
Charles, introduced him lo many of my friends 
and acquaintances; and he has been with me 
to my school, which I have taught for the last 
time. How wonderful it is that he should 
come just at the time when I had made up my 
mind that I must stop teaching and go home! 

April 2. Have been spending a day or two 
very pleasantly with Charles, making prepara- 
tions to go home with him. To-day have been 
witli him to Covington ; a very pleasant trip; 
have made some calls, and engaged the Omni- 
bus for a ride to-morrow morning. 

3. To-day we have visited Farmer's College; 
had an interesting time, and returned to dinner. 
Afternoon visiied Sarah's school. She has a 
delightful phice. Am not quite as happy in 
my mind to-day as yesteiday. I see and rec- 
ognize the hand of God in everything, and my 



114- MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

great wish now is, that I may be able to honor 
him in Oberlin. 

5. Left Cincinnati, after a residence thereof 
nearly six months. Felt a little sad at leaving 
my friends there. Have enjoyed the ride in 
the cars to-day, very much. 

7. Brother Henry met us with the carriage 
at Sandusky, and took us home. The joy of 
meeting with friends at home, after so long an 
absence, cannot be expressed. I am truly 
thankful for these blessings. 



€HA?TER XI. 

A FEW WEEKS AT HOME, 
JOURNAL. 

April 15, '49. One week has been mostly 
given up to enjoyment with my friends at home, 
to giving and receiving calls, &:c., and now my 
second Sabbath at home has arrived, O my 
Savior! help me to be an active Christian, to 
add to my faith virtue, (or energy.) May en- 
ergetic action be a habit with me. Teach me, 

Lord! and direct me where and how to labor 
for thee. I know I must begin with my broth- 
ers and sisters. But my heart is not free from 
wrong thoughts. The love of approbation is 
very strong in ray mind, and since I came home 
it has troubled me much, and unless I pray a 
great deal, it leads me away from Jesus. But 
he is able to keep me and will, if I trust him^ 

1 am too anxious to know how this will look 
and how that will appear to others, to be a 



116 MEMOIR OF HELEN". 

simple-minded Christian. I also find I am' 
inclined to pride myself upon some things 
which may be a little peculiar in me, and while 
this is so I am not right. I want it all rooted 
out. I want more than anything else, to be a 
meek, honest, humble follower of Christ. My 
old habit of letting my imagination run and 
build air-castles, has come upon me again, I 
must overcome it; I ivill, the grace of God 
assisting me. I had nearly forgotten it, until 
I c?me home and am surrounded by the same 
sights and scenes as formerly. Yesterday, I 
'Jid that which I knew was wrong ; but Prof. 
Finney's sermon upon the last verse of the 
119th Psalm caused me to make a determined 
effort to return. Father preached in the after- 
noon, from this text: "Add to your faith, vir- 
tue," which he explained to mean, energy, 

17. A day full of enjoyment. I have as- 
sisted father in '* correcting proof," for the first 
time, and like the business very much. Vis- 
ited in the afternoon with Charles' pupils, who 
were invited here to take supper, and am now 
enjoying the company of my dear friend, Lucy 
M., who is to spend a few days with me. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 11*7 

^2. Last evening I had a precious view of 
the ability and readiness of Christ to hear and 
answer prayero 

I prayed last Sabbath, to be kept from love 
of the world, and from being too much en- 
grossed in the society of those around me. I 
prayed that I might be a simple-minded Chris- 
tian, free from such thoughts as, '^ how will 
this look? " and '* what will be thought of 
that? '' and I have been indeed free from these 
thoughts and feelings. Have not even been 
tempted in this way. Castle-building was 
another thing which I sought Divine aid in re- 
sisting, and I have not been at all troubled with 
it. O the goodness of God ! I am thankful 
that I have an all-powerful Protector. It is 
even more than I asked, I expected to be un- 
der the necessity of resisting with all my 
strength, but I have hardly been tempted. O 
amazing grace and love I This shall encourage 
me to pray more. My prayer this week shall 
be — Lord, cast out every fibre of self-seeking. 
May I be entirely free from it the coming week. 
May I indeed love others as myself. I want 
to be actively engaged in doing good. Show 
sue, my Savior, how and where. 



118 HEMOIR OF HELEN. 

24. This is my father's forty-sixth birth-' 
day. I made a little present for him. Visited 
a poor colored woman whose ehild died yes- 
terday ; felt much sympathy for her, and en- 
deavored to do her good. At noon we were 
all delighted to witness father's joy and surprise 
at finding under his plate at table, a little pack- 
age of birth-day presents, and among them a 
note signed by etich one of the children, ex** 
pressive of their resolution to be more dutiful, 
respectful and affectionate toward him t'i2ln 
they had ever been before. At tea we had a 
party of eight missionaries with us by invita- 
tation. It was beautiful to look at them and 
think of them as God's ambassadors to the 
poor, degraded heathen. Some of them have 
the very spirit of Christ. It speaks in their 
countenances. 

28. Accepted an invitation to a ride with 
the young people, to Elyria. Went, and had 
a very pleasant time, but one thing I regret. 
While at the public house, I saw a book lying 
upon the table, took it up, saw it wa^ a Bible, 
and immediately laid it down again. Had it 
been some other book, I should probably have 
read some in it. ''O," I thought, **only a 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 119 

bible." I was glad to see it there, but did not 
care about reading it just then. I did not see 
the matter then in the light I now do. I see in 
it now a lack of spirituality. But I look for 
forgiveness. 

April 29. God has in my case proved him- 
self again and again a hearer of prayer, a 
precious Heavenly Father. O that my heart 
were stronger to resist the temptations of Sa- 
tan; but [ find that whenever I cry to God for 
aid, he drives back the tempter, just as a kind 
father would drive off a wild beast from his 
child who cried to him. None can know how 
mucli I have to be thankful for. Neither can 
any one know how much I have to repent of. I 
was thinking this morning, if it were not for 
the bk)od of Christ as an atonement, I must be 
lost indeed, lost eternally. Have heard father 
and Prof. Fairchild preach to-day. It has been 
a precious day. 

" How sweet a Sabbath thus to spend. 
In hope of one that ne^er shall end." 

May 6. Sabbath. Attended Bible Class. 

Mr. Kendall is my teacher. We are now upon 

the 4th of Romans. Father administered the 

sacrament this afternoon. Nine persons joined 



120 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

the church. I am happy to-day in the Savior's 
love. But I want to be free from thoughts of 
self. I want to have more ardent feelings, that 
by means of them I may be prompted to more 
energetic action. I want to do more for the 
good of the world, and yet when I reflect, I 
see that I am not now doing all that I might. 
O for more love ! 

May 27. Since I wrote last I have studied 
and recited, written, read, and sewed ; made 
and received calls much as usual, and now sit 
down this pleasant Sabbath day to write a few 
words. The children have just left my room. 
We had a precious little meeting. Since I 
came home I have kept up the practi e of 
meeting the children for prayer once a week, 
just as Josephine used to, formerly. They all 
seemed much interested. My heart absolutely 
leaped for joy, when brother S. prayed. 

LETTER TO S. P. 

May 24, '49. 
My i>ear Sarah — 

How are you, and where ? are questions that 
naturally arise in my mind, and I take my pen 
to ask, hoping for an answer in due time. I 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. l2l 

am now expecting to leave home for Ashtabula 
Co., on Monday next, and spend some time in 
visiting my relatives who reside there. I am 
to accompany Dr. Dascomb, who is going out 
on a botanical excursion. We hope to be a 
mutual benelit to each other. He is to provide 
me with means of conveyance, and I intend to 
hold his horse while he culls flowers, and to 
carry his book or herbarium for him. I shall 
probably be absent from home two weeks or 
more. The fact that the astronomy class will 
be going on without me^ will probably hasten 
my return. My time, since my return to 
Oberlin, has been pretty fully occupied, and 
the three remaining days of this week will 
necessarily be still more so. Be assured your 
letter was joyfully received. My friends in 
Cincinnati will ever he remembered with affec- 
tion, nor will my interest in them grow old or 
cold^ I am attemling Mr. Kendall's Bible class 
regularly, which, in addition to the usual Sab- 
bath exercises, holds weekly meetings which 
are both pleasant and protiiahle. One week 
the hour is occupied in stjwing by the young 
ladies, wliile Mr. K. reads to them, and the 
next week in a prayer-meeting. Yesterday, 



122 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

though but few of the class were present, we 
had a pleasant season, and my soul was re- 
freshed and strengthened. Dear Sarah, ho;i^ 
much grace it needs to honor Christ. But if 
the heart be only filled with the love of God, 
all will be well. This will generate love for 
souls, abhorrence of sin, energetic action, and 
indeed all that is necessary in order to glorify 
God. Pray for me, dear Sarah, that my heart 
may be the dwelling-place of tho Holy Ghost. 
My great need is to keep the object to which I 
have consecrated my life constantly before me. 
It should be my pole-star, toward which I, a fu- 
gitive from sin and my old master the Devil, 
should constantly press my way for freedom 
and dear life. 

I hope you will write me soon and often. 
Your loving friend, Helen. 



CHAPTER XII. 



JOUENAI^. 



May 2B. I am preparing to go immediately 
on a short journey to visit my relatives in 
Ashtabula county. Have an opportunity which 
I think 1 shall enjoy very much. 

May 29. Left home with Dr. D., and set 
out upon our journey with a single horse and 
buggy. Had a pleasant time. On our way, 
called at Dr. Kiriland's and Prof. Thome's. 
Spent the night at Euclid. 

May 30. Had a delightful ride to Uncle 
M.'s in Painesville. 

31, Wonder if I shall ever see the time 
when I shall not feel lonesome away from 
home. Have been to-day with some of the 
family to the lake shore. Part of our way led 
through a fine grove. I enjoyed it all very 
much indeed. For a while I stood and gazedj 
and at length sat down upon a water-washed 
log, so near the breaking waves that they al- 



124 MEMOIR OF HELEN* 

most kissed my feet ; closed my eye ^ and lis* 
tened to the murmur of the waters, imagining 
that they were talking to each other — some in 
loud and angry voices, and some in mellow, 
silvery tones. I found I could soon lose my- 
self thus. The golden rays of the sun were 
beautifully reflected upon the water. I could 
look at it, only by shading ray eyes. Sails 
enough were visible upon the water to show 
that it is a highway. The scene was glorious. 
I thought of the great God who holds the wa- 
ters in his fist and numbers the sands of the 
sea. He is my Fnther. He looks upon me 
in mercy. Through his dear Son I can ap- 
proach him, sinful as I am. Returned to Un- 
cle's thiough the woods. 

June 1. Su:nmer has wreathed herself in 
her loveliest robes, in indication of what she is 
to be by and by. Uncle and aunt C. arrived 
here to-day. It interests me much to hear 
people say — "Why, Helen, you do resemble 
your own dear mother." 

2. Left Painesville with uncle C, and arri- 
ved at uncle Smith's in Austinburg, the place 
of my birth. Have a prospect of a precious 
visit. 



dRACii vicToiilous. 125 

3. At uncle Lysander's. A beautiful Sab- 
bath morning. The birds are singing most 
sweetly. They evidently enjoy praising their 
Maker with their utmost powers. My heart 
unites with them in thanksgiving tD him for 
his unbounded mercy and loving-kindness. 
Lately I have feared sin more than ever before, 
realizing how deeply it wounds Christ. O 
that I may have strength to resist all temptation 
and live so as to be a joy to my Savior. A 
child is a joy to his parent when his conduct 
honors him. 

Evening. I fear I have done wrong to-day 
by joining in conversation not proper for the 
holy Sabbath. 

12. I am having a precious visit. Enjoy 
grandmother's company very much. But 1 
want to get home. Have had a letter from 
home to-day. 

17. What a delightful morning! As I sit 
by my open window, a large locust tree, laden 
with blossoms, shields me from the rays of the 
sun, birds are caroling in its branches, and the 
busy bee is gathering honey from its flowers. 
The tree, the flower, the bird, the bee, all are 
God's workmanship. How much has this 



126 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

great God done for me ! I hardly dare ask 
him for any more temporal good, my cup of 
blessings is already so full, and my debt of 
gratitude so great. But for spiritual blessings 
I may plead for myself, my brothers and sis- 
ters, my father and mother, the church of God,, 
and a world lying in wickedness. I remember 
with interest my Sabbath-school in Cincinnati, 
but can do nothing for them now, except by 
prayer. 

Evening. As 1 was reading to-day in Joshua 
of the defeat of the Israelites before Ai because 
of the sin of one man, I was led to wonder how 
the Lord can spare the people of the United 
States, when they are such a nation of hard- 
hearted sinners, 

21. Visited to-day by invitation with a 
very pleasant company at Mr. W.'s, and spent 
tlie time very agreeably. Was accompanied 
home by one who, I am sorry to say, smokes 
tobacco. Would not choose to walk with a 
tobacco-smoker, but could not well avoid it at 
that time. 

22. Have made a very pleasant trip to 
Wayne — am spending my time pleasantly, but 
am not at all satisfied with myself: feel badly 



dRACE VICTORIOUS. 12'? 

about my Sabbaths. What can I do ? I will 
go to my Savior and tell him all about it. 
Wrote a letter home yesterday. Have been 
reading the Oberlin Evangelist to-day with 
great interest. O that the spirit of Christ might 
be abundantly shed down upon my dear father, 
that through his paper he may be the means of 
blessing many souls. 

26. I believe this constant visiting is not 
good for my soul. I am not right. Sometimes 
I feel petulant and sometimes rather morose, 
much more so than is usual for me. It must 
be banished. I must keep a clear conscience. 

30. The weather has been very warm and 
uncomfortable for some time, but is now pleas- 
anter. Two weeks from to-day I expect to be 
at home. I must take extra pains to learn all 
I can from observation, and indeed in every 
way, while absent from home at this time. 

July 1. I am indeed longing for home. 
Sometimes a sad feeling creeps over me, but 
the thought of home sends a thrill through my 
heart as nothing else upon earth can. Shall I 
not be warmly greeted when I arrive there ? 
Two weeks seem like a long time: however, 
only two more Sabbaths will intervene. 



l28 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

3. Left Austinburg to go to my Uncle's in 
Gustavus. When I came to leave my friends 
there, I found that they had fastened many a 
cord around my heart, which could not be sun- 
dered without pain. They have been very 
kind to me, indeed, and 1 cannot repay them. 

4. At Gustavus. Have attended a Sabbath 
school celebration with uncle and and aunt 
Chamberlain, to-day, in Williamsfield. Am 
very happy indeed. It is sweet to rest in Jesus. 
My heart is full of gratitude to God. Latterly 
I have been rather discouraged, but Christ is 
my Heavenly Friend still, and I lieed not fear. 
I regret that I have not given my verbal testi- 
mony to the goodness and loving-kindness of 
my God while at Uncle L.'s. I must strive 
to do better in future. 

5. Have seldom if ever spent a more de- 
lightful day than this. Uncle, aunt, cousin 
Albert and I left their happy home about ten 
o'clock this morning to spend the day with 
friends of my father and mother, in BristoL 
Have been greatly interested in them. Every 
where I go, I am delighted with somebody. I 

should love to be like Mrs. -^ . But my 

mind was too much excited a part of the time. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 129 

I had taken a cup of tea, which I seldom if 
ever do, and though it was half sugar and milk, 
it made the blood literally rush through my 
veins. I am satisfied it is not good for me. It 
is too exciting. 

But amidst all my happiness here, I am 
counting the days between me and my home. 

7. Received the Oberlin Evangelist, and 
read in it a letter from dear sister J., which 
affected me much. Her sufferings are very 
great, while I am enjoying so much. It made 
me long for home, to share with Mother her 
solicitude, and I almost reproached myself for 
staying away so long. I did not think the lime 
would seem so long to me. 

9. At my Uncle Knapp's, in Bloomfield. 
Took leave of my friends in Guslavus this 
morning." 

During this absence from home, Helen's 
journal was kept upon loose paper, to which 
circumstance it is probably owing, that a small 
portion of it is lost. We find nothing more 
recorded until some days after her return home. 



CHAPTER Xin. 

A FEW MONTHS AT HOME. 
JOUKNAL. 

July 17, '49. This morning the mournful 
intelligence reached us, of the death of Mr, 
Cushman, in Hayti. Between prayers and 
breakfast I stepped into mother's room and 
found father opening a letter. Mother re- 
marked, *' Bad news, I fear, as the motto on 
the seal reads, ' One tear of sorrow.' " Father 
says, "The worst kind of news — Mr. Cush- 
man is dead." Mother groaned aloud, while 
faUier proceeded to read the letter. O what a 
sudden affliction ! How mysterious ! J. has 
already, by advice of her missionary friends, 
closed up the affairs of the mission at St. Marc, 
left her home and embarked on board a vessel 
for the United States, and is now only stopping 
at another port on the same L^land, for the ves- 
sel to take in a cargo. O tliat she may reach 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 131 

US in safety! Sympathizing friends are nume- 
rous ; they have been constantly calling, and 
our house has to-day been literally a Bochim. 
Father has gone to-day to Elyria to telegraph 
to New- York. 

18. Have learned to-day that some ladies 
whom I much respect, think I have not im. 
proved in manners latterly ; that I have rather 
an air of independence and self-confidence, and 
speak as one having authority; that 1 say, *'It is" 
so and so, instead of, ** I think it is " so and so. 
] had not thought of it, but presume there is too 
much of this in my appearance. I must over- 
come it. I have had a good many tilings lately 
to bring down my opinion of myself, to make 
me more humble, meek and lowly. I am in- 
vited to visit at , on Saturday. Will go 

there from my closet, with the fear of God 
before my eyes, and try in all things to honor 
him ; will draw the reins tight and guard well 
my tongue, endeavoring to be neither too for- 
ward nor too slow to engage in conversation. 
Hope the Ladies' Literary Society will do well 
this year ; have been talking about it with some 
of the members. 

21. Have had quite a talk with mother, and 



132 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

learned that both she and father will be satisfied 
and pleased, if my acquaintance with Mr. K. 
should continue on indefinitely. I believe I 
am willing to follow the direction of Providence, 
implicitly. If I do, I shall of course have to 
give up some notions of my own. 

Have just heard of the death of Rev. Mr. 
Lord, under whose pastoral care I sat while in 
Cmcinnati, In the evening he was addressinjgf 
his church, in the morning he was a corpse — 
cut down by Cholera. I did not know, till 
now, how large a place he held in my heart. 
I shall never again see him on earth, but when 
I meet him in heaven, I will tell him how I 
loved him as a spiritual instructor. 

22. God blessed the Sabbath day and hal- 
lowed it. The dullest eye and the hardest 
heart might see and feel that God's blessing 
rested on such a day as this. Have been very 
happy in reflecting on Christ's fulness and 
readiness to pardon and accept. Have been 
thinking to-day of Cincinnati — of the fearful 
ravages of the cholera there, of the hundreds 
who are suddenly cut down unprepared. O that 
I had done more while there, for the salvation 
of souls ! 



ORACE VICTORIOITS. 13^ 

iProf. Finney has been preaching from this 
text — '* Let the peace of God dwell in your 
hearts." He said that ]ieace was the result of 
perfect submission and faith in God. He said 
that the soul must be satisfied to occupy just 
the niclie which the {)rovidence of God has 
carved out for it. His prayer was exceedingly 
interesting lo me, more so than usual. He 
referred to Mr. Cushtnan's death and prayed 
that the blessing of God might rest upon his 
bereaved widow. Father preached in the af- 
ternoon tipon the doctrine of election, aid said 
we must learn God's eternal purposes from his 
actual doings, and showed that his doings for 
the salvation of sinners are given us in the par- 
able of the king who made a great supper and 
invited all to come nnd partake; b.it when his 
invitations were slighted and despised, he sent 
out his servants into the highways and hedges 
to compel them to come in. 

When shall we hear from Josephine ? The 

vessel in which she embarked, and which has 

been long expected, has not yet been heard 

from. I have more faith to-day to believe we 

s^hall yet see her, than I have had. 

** Behind a frowning Providonce 
He hides a smiling face." 



134 MEMOIR Of HELEN. 

23. Spent the morning in assisting about 
house, and enjoyed it much ; then made some 
calls and spent the afternoon with my dear 
friend L. M. She is a lovely girl indeed, but 
does not enjoy the presence of the Savior as I 
wish she did. As I look back over the day, I 
see nothing for which to condemn myself; — 
the grace of God has assisted me, I believe. 

25. Attended our Bible Class Sewing Cir- 
cle this afternoon. Mr. K., our teacher, was 
there, and read to us ; had an interesting time. 
We are all very anxious about Josephine as 
we hear nothing from her yet. Mother is 
much distressed about her, and her solicitude 
is seriously affecting her health. I have just 
been down to her room, talking with her and 
trying to comfort her. I would do anything 
to make her happy. 

29. Sabbath. No news from J. yet. Mr. 
Finney preached from these words — »' How 
can ye believe who receive honor one of an- 
other, and seek not the honor which cometh 
from God only?" He spoke of a natural 
love of approbation which is not sinful in 
itself, and also of that inordinate love of appro- 
bation which would lead a person to be greatly 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 135 

distressed if his reputation were likely to suffer 
in the eyes of men, when the displeasure of 
God was hardly thought of, I felt condemned. 
I could think of a good many instances in 
which I had been more anxious for the appro- 
bation of men than of God ; but do not believe 
I shall again suffer myself to be affected in that 
way, now my eyes are open to it. For a little 
while I felt almost discouraged, it seemed so 
difficult to live just right always, but when 1 
thought of the sacrifice Christ had made for 
me, I felt as though nothing was hard. Hii 
grace is sufficient for me. I am resolved thili 
week to strive to forget self, and to live with a 
single eye to his glory. May this be before 
my mind, from day to day and from hour to 
hour. 

Father preached in the afternoon upon the 
judgments of God. I felt as though it was a3 
solemn a thing to live as to die. Read a ser- 
mon of Father's on retrenchment. I hardly 
know my duty in this matter. Perhaps I may 
judge of it somewhat by the practices of ihose 
around me in whose Christian character I have 
great confidence. I do not know. 1 am satis- 
fied I ought not to dress so as to attract obser- 



136 MEBCOlR OF HELBIf. 

tration, but to be neat, tidy, simple^ and tasteful 
in my dress, 

I think a great deal lately about the sefP 
denying labor of that dear good man, Rev. 
Horace Bushnell, who spends his whole time 
in doing good among the poor, the degraded, 
the sick, and the dying, in Cincinnati. 

Another subject which has lately been placed 
before my mind is that of my future connexions 
in life. I have formerly had some wrong no- 
tions, because the ideal in my mind's eye was 
a wrong one ; but those notions have now van- 
ished, as I have in the fear and love of God, 
changed my ideal. My own spiritual welfare 
must be considered in this, as well as in other 
things. The Lord will direct. I am deter* 
mined to live for God in Christ, his grace as- 
sisting. 

Aug. 1. Father and mother went to Elyria 
to-day to telegraph to New-York. We get no 
news yet. 

Aug. 4. We have to-day received intelli- 
gence from Josephine, through Mr. Harned, 
the agent of the A. M. A. She has arrived in 
New- York, though in feeble health. We shali 



iSBiA;CE VICTORIOUS. 137 

undoubteclly see her again. God has not for- 
gotten to be gracious. 

5. After meeting to-day, called the children 
together for conversation and prayer. Each 
one of them pray^^d. It was affecting to hear 
them pray for J. They proposed meeting me 
every night. That is not possible. 

After talking with mother some time, went 
into Minerva's room, and with her witnessed 
one of the grandest and loveliest scenes in na- 
ture. The moon had just risen, and was cast- 
ing its silvery light on the fleecy clouds which 
lay around it. At the same time a heavy storm 
v/as rising and rapidly spreading over the 
western sky. Thete were three broad bands 
of light cast b V the moon on the advancing cloud* 
We watched its progress, until the dark folds 
af the cloudy cuitain had fallen over the fair 
face of the moon, and I felt sad, as at the ah-? 
sence of a dear friend. 

6. Spent some time to-day with a number 
of young ladies and gentlemen, wreathing 
flowers and evergreens to decorate the chapel, 
for the Anniversary of the Lyceum. In the 
afternoon received a letter from Josephine, to 
our great joy. Evening, attended the Lyceum, 



138 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

and was much interested. O that all these 
young men might one day lift up their voices 
upon heathen shores ! 

7. Father having proposed an excursion to 
the lake, we all left our happy home this 
morning, to spend a few hours on the shore of 
the beautiful Erie. Father, mother and the 
little girls occupied one carriage, while I rode 
with my five brothers in the other. C said it 
was a ^'nest of brothers with a sister in it/' 
We had an exceedingly interesting time, and 
returned in the edge of the evening. 

9. Spent some time with my dear friend 
Lucy. How much I love her. There is a 
sincerity about her, which attracts my heart 
toward her. I am thankful I have just such 
a friend. It is a blessing to me, O that I 
may do her soul good ! Prof. Fairchild 
preached the usual Thursday lecture, which 
was excellent. 

10. My eighteenth birth-day has rolled 
around. The goodness and mercy of God to 
me, demand unceasing songs of praise. His 
ways are indeed past finding out. He has 
watched over me with more than a father's 
care and a mother's love. All I can do for 



CiftACfi VICTORIOUS. 139 

him will be but 2i poor return. Brother read 
to me all the morning, and at 11 o'clock I at- 
tended Prof. Finney's lecture. 

When I sat down to dinner, my surprise 
was great and my joy still gi eater. I had not 
thought of birth-day presents, but my plate was 
heaped full — a napkin spread over them. The 
blood rushed to my checks in a moment. First, 
I found a new gold pen from father, wnth which 
I am now writing. I told him it should never 
write anything he would disapprove. May it 
be employed as an instrument of good in its 
own small way. The name of each member 
of the family was upon some little token of 
love and interest. Everything betokened 
mother's kind and skillful hand, in advising 
and arranging. O, a king in all his pomp and 
glory, is not so happy as I. O, may I be able 
to do some good to each one of the dear home 
circle, and live forgetful of self. 

In the afternoon brother C. invited me with 
the other children, out on a blackberrying excur- 
sion. We had a delightful time. All were 
mirthful and lively. C. is a very kind brother 
to me; I enjoy his company much. In the 
evening, I received several calls of congratu- 



tW MEMOIR Off HELEN> 

la^ion, from those who happened to kiidw of 
my cooling **of age," as it is termed. Before^ 
retiring, I heartily committed the events of the 
coming year of my life into the hands of my 
Heavenly Father, thanking him for his past 
goodness, and imploring his continued protec- 
tion and blessing. 

11. Have spent all my spare time to-day, 
at work upon a shell basket, which I design 
for a present to my lovely friend, Lucy* Fi- 
nally finished and sent it. O how I love hei* ! 
She knows my heart, and I believe I know 
hers. Afternoon attended young ladies' prayer 
meeting, and after tea, called upon a poor fam- 
ly a little out of the village. The woman is 
nat a Christian, and manifests a very bad spirit. 
Tried to interest her little children, who are 
very pretty, and urged her to become a follower 
0i Christ. Have spent this whole week in 
peace with God. 

12. Sabbath. Have heard a sermon by 
Prof. Finney, and an address by Mr. Evarts, 
but have not been able to control my thoughts 
2^8 I could wish. O, I must have another bap- 
tism of the Spirit. Have had a pleasant prayer 
meeting with the children. 



ORACE VICTORIOUS. 141 

13. How much patience it requires to prac- 
tice music steadily enough to make gootl pro- 
ficiency. I am endeavoring to apply myself 
to it faithfully. This afternoon I have attended 
a meeting of the Society of Inquiry. Father 
gave them an address upon the suhjectof Mod- 
ern Infidelity. In the e^cening C. received a 
letter from sister J. She is spending some 
time with the relatives of her deceased hus>- 
band in New England. Her health is im- 
proving. 

I had a very pleasant call from Mr. H. He 
spoke freely about ti e state of his soul — said 
he was not fit to be a minister. I told him 
that he was certainly then not fit to fill any 
other station; to which he assented. Howl 
wish he might feel the power of renewing 
grace. I felt happy as I retired ; ha{>py in 
having given my testimony for Christ. My 
prayer is, that the few words spoken in weak- 
ness, may be attended wi h power. 

14. This afternoon, attended a meeting of 
the Ladies' Anti-Slavery Society. We had an 
excellent address from Mr. Kendall. I joined 
the Society, and am determined to be an active 
member. I became convinced, while visiting 



142 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

in Austinburg, with Miss M. C, that I had 
never felt for " those in bonds, as bound with 
them," and hence had had too little life and 
energy in the cause. 

16. Received a long call from Mr. W., in 
behalf of Mr. K., who would not pay his ad- 
dresses to me personally, until assured that he 
should not be interfering with the rights of 
another. This assurance was given. I do 
feel, and have for a long time felt, a strong de- 
sire to become a missionary, and am determined 
to control my affections, and listen to no pro- 
posals which would interfere with the fulfilment 
of this desire. As it regards the two individuals 
now before my mind, one I will endeavor to 
look upon merely with gratitude for his broth- 
erly kindness to me, and the other, as my 
Bible class teacher, interested in my spirituality 
as in that of each member of the class. Hope 
the subject will not be pressed farther at pres- 
ent. 1 leave the whole matter with my Heav- 
enly Father, and trust him most fully. I am 
perfecdy sure that he will bring all my affairs 
to a right issue, and that he will answer my 
prayers and ma've me useful, and consequently 
happy. If I can, my Heavenly Father, pro- 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 143 

mole the ends thou hast in view, in one way- 
better than another, then direct me into that way, 

17. My dear friend Clara and I accompa- 
nied brother C. to-day on a botanical excursion. 
How much I do enjoy his society. My heart 
is continually praising God and ever and anon 
it overflows with gratitude for the various bless- 
ings showered upon me. As I sit quietly with 
mother in her room, as I look at my dear 
brothers and sisters, as C. reads some beautiful 
work to me, while I sit or ride with him ; as 
I receive friends and enjoy their society, as I 
listen to'the patter of the rain, and reflect that 
God sends it ; each one separately and all 
combined, fill my heart with delight. But 
more thm all do I thank him that he permits 
me to grow in grace. O that not a cloud may 
ever darken my brow, but that kindness, meek- 
ness, and lowliness may ever diffuse their ra- 
diance there. 

19. Sabbath. Mother not well to-day. 
Unable to attend to her usual morning's em- 
ployment, which of course naturally fell upon 
me, and, in addition to waiting upon company, 
kept me so busy that 1 had but a few minutes' 
time to pray, before Sabbath School ; but all 



144 MEMOIR OF HEI;EK. 

was right, as I was in the path of duty. Sab- 
bath School was interesting. Mr. Bateham, 
of Columbus, gave an address. Prof. Finney 
preached, but ray mind was wandering. I 
made some effort to control it, but did not suc- 
ceed. Naturally, I love to let my mind run 
thus, but it is not right. I saw this finally, 
and resolved, (looking to the Lord for aid,) to 
put it entirely away, and succeeded, and was 
troubled with it no more. God blessed my 
soul greatly last week, and now I will trust 
him for the week that is to come. I am not 
anxious about any but spiritual bJessin-gs. Any 
thing which will best promote my spirituality, 
even though it be severe trials, I shall regard 
as a blessing. I would not dare to mark out 
the way in which God shall honor himself 
through me. If I were to be a washer- woman, 
or spend my life upon a sick bed, I would still 
love and serve him. This is the present feel- 
ing of my heart and the determination of my 
will, though while blessings innumerable are 
showered upon me, I do not always act up to it. 
The strong desire of my heart is to live in the 
bosom of Christ, each day of the coming week. 
But the children are calling me to prayerraeeling. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 145 

20, Mother is still quite out of health. I 
have been helping her some. Read with C. 
awhile. Visited our orchard with father. It 
is a delightful place. We are now enjoying 
some delicious plums — the fruit of his labor* 
The earth is full of the goodness of God. 

22. Commencement day. I have attended 
the public exercises, and have been unusually 
interested, and naturally enough too, as I studied 
so long with the present graduating class. 
Prof. Morgan's address to them was very fine. 
In the evening, accepted an invitation to a small 
party, at Mr. I.'s. Pleasant company, but wish 
I had taken a little different course in some 
respects. 

Have procured my books and am preparing 
to study the coming term. 

23. Met with the other young ladies at the 
Assembly Room, and listened to an address 
from Mrs. Burke. Rode out with mother, and 
received a letter from Josephine. Visited wilSi 
a few friends in the evening, at Mr. B.'s* 



146 MEMOIR OF KELEN. 

LETTER TO J. C. 

August 24, 1849. 
Dear sister Josephine — 

Five days have passed since I wrote the 
above date, and I again take my pen to express 
to you a little of the interest 1 feel in you and 
your circumstances. Interruption by company 
and pressure of study have kept me from it 
since I received yours. 

I have watched with intense interest every 
step in your progress through the furnace of 
affliction. Anxiety for you, and consequent 
supplication in your behalf, and thanksgiving 
and praise, have followed each other in quick 
succession. 

D^ar J., I do feel that words are entirely in- 
adequate to express the deep feelings of my 
heart towards you, and therefore I rejoice the 
more in the prospect of soon seeing you, and 
personally endeavoring to promote your happi^ 
ness; for "actions speak louder than words." 
It does seem hardly possible that we shall be 
together again, " yet life is oft, so like a dream." 
How blessed it is to trust all our affairs in the 
hands of One whose wisdom is infinite, while 
ours is such perfect folly. 



GRACJE VICTGRIOUS. 147 

Thank you for your letter to me. It is a 
real comfort to be able to say, in answer to in- 
quirers, Yes, I received a letter from her on 
Friday. It is a sort of text-book — an uncom- 
monly interesting one — to which I often refer, 
and from which I relate much every day. 

If there is one ^'houcof peaceful rest," more 
emphatically so than any other, it is the hour 
on Sabbath evening when the children assemble 
in my room for prayer.- At those times I have 
heard prayers enough for you to affect the heart 
of even an unjust judge, and how much more, 
then, that of an infinitely interested and loving 
Father. 

But I must hasten to give you a little idea of 
my present occupations. A year has passed 
Fince I studied much, and during that time I 
have been absent from home more than seven 
months. Since my return from Cincinnati, I 
have visited nearly seven weeks in Austinburg, 
Painesville and Gustavus. Now I have com- 
menced study with the Senior class. Prof. 
Monroe is our teacher, and a better one we 
could not ask. 

Mother is quite out of health. Our family 
seems graall now as there are only eleven of 



148 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

US all, though we generally have more or less 
company. Charles is teaching Greek and 
Latin as usual ; is now appointed Tutor in 
College. O, I enjoy my home ; how much I 
cannot tell. Every hour some new blessing 
comes up, demanding new songs of praise. By 
and by I expect to add your arrival to my list 
of mercies. I hope you remember me at the 
throne of grace. I regard prayer for friends 
as one of the greatest blessings a Christian can 
bestow. 

Your affectionate Helen. 

JOURNAL. 

August 26. Sabbath. Attended Sabbath 
school and meeting as usual. Spent but few 
minutes in the children's prayer-meeting. I 
need great grace to keep me in the strait and 
narrow way. 

27. Have just read the few last verses of 
the 9th of Mark, and my heart was filled with 
love to Him whose words they were. But 
there is a kind of sadness and loneliness in my 
heart to-night — a curious commingling of ele- 
ments. I am happy and yet sad, anxious and 
yet at rest. The explanation is, ray feelings 



0IlACfc VltJTORlOUS. 149 

and judgment are at variant^e in a certain mat* 
ter% Well, let the Lord direct, 

28. An interesting visit from Dr. Bushnell 
and wife, of Cincinnati, and Mr. and Mrs. 
Fitch. Dr. B. urges me to spend next winter 
in Cincinnati — says he will procure me a 
school if I will give him timely notice. If the 
providence of God should point in that direc- 
tion, my feelings, I am sure, will harmonize 
with it. " Let the will of the Lord be done," 
is my conclusion to all questions of this sort, 
and indeed of every sort. I find it very diffi- 
cult to confine my mind to study, it has been 
so long roaming at large. Hope to get accus- 
tomed to it soon. 

31. My anxieties and trials of mind con- 
tinue. I have surely taken such a course as 
to lose one valuable friend, and yet I have been 
conscientious, and have acted according to the 
dictates of my judgment. My feelings rebel, 
but I must stifle them. Mr. K. is coming soon 
to have an interview with mother.' O, I need 
grace and divine direction. 

Sept. 3. Hope Josephine will soon be here, 
and be settled quietly with me in our own room, 
as in former days. C. has just come in, bring- 



tSO BTEMOIR OF HE£EH. 

ing a letter from her. She probably leaves 
Massachusetts for home this very day. O shall 
we not be glad, glad, glad ! 

5. Father and mother are to go to Cleveland 
to-morrow, to meet J. Mr. K. called and spent 
some time with mother, and a long time after 
he left, I went down to her room to make en- 
quiries. She related the conversation fully^ 
She advises me to feel free and unconstrained in 
his company^ as usual, and to take s-uch a course 
as the circumstances and my own good sense 
shall direct. I desire only to follow the will 
of God. Perhaps I shall become interested 
in him, and be happy ; and am sure I can be 
happy in having the matter proceed no farther.> 
He expected mother to converse with me about 
it.. Of course it will be difficult for me to ap- 
pear perfectly natural and easy, as I meet with 
him in my classes from day to day j but I will 
try, 

6. Bigelow has accompanied father and 
mother to Cleveland, and Charles is absent too. 
O how lonesome 1 The care devolves on me, 
but the children are good as they can be. 

7. Attended recitations as usual. Received 
a ktter from Mr. K. Very good indeed. Read 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 151 

it to C, who raised some queries. The chil- 
dren, who had been on the look-out ever since 
4 o'clock, now raised the cry — -''They are 
coming! they are coming!" Sure enough* 
We all ran down to the gate and welcomed — 
Josephine ! My joy was so great that my 
heart literally hounded, and I could not keep 
it still. O, I shall not attempt to describe the 
general rejoicing. For an hour or two we 
continued to receive calls, and then with thank- 
ful hearts retired to rest. 

8. Mother read my letter from Mr. K., 
and liked it; but toward night I felt strongly 
inclined to end the whole matter with a simple 
negative. Mr. K, called to see Josephine. I 
enjoy her arrival even more than I anticipated. 

9. A delightful Sabbath. Listened all 
the morning to conversation between father and 
J. Prof. Morgan and Prof. Thome preached. 
I am very happy. Blessings are multiplied 
around my path. May I not be ungrateful. 

10. Went out into our orcliard to write my 
composition. Finished it, and answered Mr. 
K.'s letter as follows : 



152 memoir of helen. 

Mr. Kendall — 

Sir : I find that my heart prompts me to 
devote every moment and every thought I can 
spare from study, to my sister Josephine; 
hence I will only say to-night, I am not oppo- 
sed to a farther acquaintance. 

With esteem, Helen. 

15. I am very happy in Christ to-night. 
Last night in a season of prayer with J., she 
prayed for me and for herself with most re- 
markable earnestness. I am very anxious to 
make her happy. Mother's health is still 
very feeble. 

16. Have this evening enjoyed the privilege 
of reading some of J.'s journal, kept while on 
missionary ground. It was intensely interest- 
ing. I read and read till 10 o'clock. I can 
understand some of her feelings perfectly. 
How thankful I am that she is here in safety. 
I do indeed desire to make her life here as 
pleasant as possible. 

21. Received a call from Mr. K. — a very 
pleasant one. 1 am glad to obtain a little more 
knowledge of his ways, habits, thoughts, and 
ideas. A.m so far, well pleased — much better 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 153 

than I expected to be. Not that I doubted his 
being just right, but I doubted whether every- 
thing would correspond with my taste, 

23. Have been talking with sister J. about 
the sickness and death of her dear husband. 
She does not often speak of it, but feels her 
loss more and more deeply* I have to-night 
renewed my consecration to Christ. 

30. Sabbath. Father preached all day. I 
had a happy season in the afternoon. Never 
felt my dependence on God more deeply than 
now» 

October 3. C . and J. have engaged to teach 
the winter school here during the vacation* In 
the afternoon Mrs. Hill met our class for prayer 
and religious conversation. But f^w present. 
She is deeply earnest in her endeavors to ben- 
efit us spiritually. 

LETTER TO C. P. 

Oberlin, Oct. 6, 1849. 
My dear Clara — 

We all want to hear from you. I have ex* 
pected and waited and watched* I have inqui* 
red of one and another and have been inquired 
of, but in vain. We fear sickness has overta- 
ken you. Can you not let us know, in some 



1§4 MEMOIR OF H£LEI^. 

way ? Not a day has passed for a long time, 
but I have thought — "Well, if I cannot know 
how she is, our Heavenly Father knows, and 
I will pray him to watch over her, and bless 
her." Dear Clara, I love to commit those who 
are dear to me into Christ's hands, and to think 
that perhaps my prayers may add at least a 
drop to their happiness. Christ is still dear to 
my heart, my counsellor and my friend. My 
blessings are so much greater than I deserve 
that I almost fear, while enjoying them, that 
they will prove a curse — that I shall sin by 
ingratitude. I am now enjoying Josephine's 
society — and enjoyment it is. 

Don't you remember remarking that I should 
find some one in our present class to take your 
place in my heart ? I often think of it — and 
ask myself — which ? I love them all, but 
there is not one "Clara." I enjoy study very 
much this term, and who would not, with Prof. 
Monroe for a teacher? Now, if you are able, 
will you not answer this immediately ? But if 
you are not, don't try. There is nothing in it 
worthy of an answer ; — only, we want to hear 
from you. 

Your own friend, Helen. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 155 

JOURNAL. 

11. Attended a party at the invitation and 
^t the rooms of our Principal, Mrs. Burke. 
Found it an excellent place to watch develop- 
ments of character, 

13. Sabbath. Mr. Fitch, our Superinten- 
dent, proposed to me to take a class in the 
Sabbath-school and teach it permanently. I 
was very thankful for the opportunity. I bless 
the Lord for all his goodness to me ; I am 
learning more and more of him. 

14. Tried writing composition to-day till 
too late to do anything else, stayed away from 
dinner, and finally went to class unprepared. 
Uncle and aunt Marshall, who are visiting here, 
accompanied me. Several things occurred to 
try me, and I yielded to a wrong spirit. After 
I returned home, came up stairs and poured 
out my soul before God — laid every recess 
open to his eye. Felt my dependence on him 
more than ever to keep me from temptation. 

16. Mr. K.'s health is not good. Many 
think he will soon go into a decline. In the 
evening I sat a long time thinking — thinking- 
thinking of the future. Well, if he dies young, 



156 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

he will have accomplished more than many do 
in a long life. I felt that it would be a privi- 
lege to add to his happiness while his life is 
spared. Still I am not certain how benevolent 
I should be, when put to the test. If he were 
to die, there would be another cord to draw my 
soul heavenward. But he will live, I believe, 
many years to do good in the world. He is 
surely a man of God — it is good for my spirit- 
ual life to be in his society. I recommit all 
my interests and the interests of all dear to me 
into the hands of my Heavenly Father. 

21, Taught my Sabbath-school class. Six 
present. Father preached* I read Madame 
Guyon all the time I had. 

23. I talk of teaching during the coming 
winter vacation. I want to go where I can do 
the most good. Where is the place? Trust 
ray Heavenly Father to direct me. Shall proba- 
bly be examined for school-teaching to-morrow. 
My studies, my music, and my sewing keep 
me pretty busy, but occasionally I fall into a 
kind of reverie and drop all far a time. We are 
now reviewing our studies and enjoying it 
much. 0,how anxious I am that my influence 
may be good upon all with whom I associate. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS, 157 

I do not think enough of Christ. My relations 
to him are not so steadily before my mind as 
they ought to be. I will make this a subject 
of prayer. 

26. Passed examination for school-teaching. 

November 1. Father preached the usual 
Thursday lecture. Jesus drew my soul very 
near to him. Spent the evening with C. J, 
and M. at Mr. Wyett's. 

2. At 2 o'clock attended the funeral of F. 
Jennings ; at four went to the meeting of the 
Juvenile Missionary Society, Brother B. read 
an article on the Haytien missions. 

4. Sabbath. Went to my Sabbath-school 
class with some fear, feeling that I had not 
done all my duty. Thought I should not be 
able to say anything, or if I did, that it would 
be merely ivords. Looked to Christ for assis- 
tance, and succeeded very well. Missionary 
meeting in the evening. Mr. K. read an ac- 
count of the missions among the Nestorians. 

6. Went out to La Porte with quite a num- 
ber of students to attend the wedding of H. 
Hall and Miss Brooks, missionaries to Jamaica. 
It was an interesting occasion. After my re- 
turn, father called me into his study to see ^ 



151 MEMOIR OF HELEN* 

man who wished to engage me as a school^ 
teacher. It is to be a select school, and a very 
small one. I rather believe that, with divine 
aid, I can do well. Have studied some to-day, 
but my mind must be occupied about this school. 
10. Have had a visit with Mr. K. Am 
not sure as yet what I ought to do in this mat- 
ter. I:^3eemstome now that the providence 
of God is favoring it. I trust him to lead my 
mind to a right decision. I could not be better 
satisfied than I am that he cares for and watches 
over all my interests. I expect he will order 
this so as to promote my highest good, for I 
know that I ask him in all sincerity to direct 
it to such an issue as he sees wise and best, 
and I know also that Mr. K. prays for the 
same. Now if I could but know that he (Mr, 
K.) had ever felt the slightest regret that he 
had gone so far in the matter, how quick and 
how clearly that would shew me my duty. I 
have almost wished lately to tell him to regard 
himself as perfectly free as if nothing had pass- 
ed between us ; but as I shall not see him much 
more before I leave, I dare not run the risk of 
hurting his feelings by suggesting it. I will 
continue to trust the Lord. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 1 59 

11. Exceedingly happy in my mind. 
Query — Does my spiritual enjoyment depend 
upon my situation and circumstances? If it 
does in any measure, I reflect that these too 
are ordered by the Lord in infinite wisdom and 
love. I want to be a blessing to all around, 
and especially to our family while I am at 
home. I must be. But it cannot be without 
care, pains-taking, and earnest desire. O, 
what a deep work of grace I need in my heart 
to prepare me for my winter's labors. Well, 
Christ is sufficient, and my faith is strong. I 
not only pray him to go with and aid me, but 
to go before me and prepare the way. I pray 
that Christ will impress on my mind this week 
his ability and readiness to help those who 
trust him. I have sometimes thought too much 
of my own strength, and in this have been 
wrong — all wrong. His presence must be 
more of a reality to me. I must have a richer 
baptism, so that all shall see that Christ is in 
me. I look to him to forgive all that has been 
wrong in me. How much he has already for- 
given ! I come anew to-night and consecrate 
my all to him. I am anxious that my Sabbath 
school class should feel the power of the Spirit 



160 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

of God. I want to learn more about Christ 
before another Sabbath. Life is too short to 
spare a day without learning some new spirit- 
ual lesson. 

12. Have not been conscious to-day of any 
thing wrong in word or deed. For this 1 give 
thanks to my Heavenly Father, who has shield- 
ed me from all sore temptation and filled my 
cup to overflowing with blessings. Not a 
shadow of doubt flits across my mind with 
regard to my circumstances or situation the 
coming winter. All things will work as Christ 
would have them, or he will overrule all for 
the highest good. I fear not. I love to leave 
all in Christ's hands, praying that he will pre- 
pare me for all that he would have me do. I 
must learn to forget self. I must have a more 
thorough knowledge of the Bible. 

13. Attended recitations as usual, and be- 
tween them our class engaged in lively play, 
for exercise, a few minutes. When the Pro- 
fessor entered, I rather feared he was displeas* 
ed, but do not know. Went home and listened 
while Charles read to me an account of South- 
ey's life and character. He was remarkable 
as a book-worm ; lived in his library. At 2 



GftACE VICTORIOUS. 161 

^'clock J. and I visited the select school, which 
interested me much and made me feel in haste 
to be in my own. At three, attended Mrs. 
Burke's lecture, which was excellent. Eve- 
ning, enjoyed a feast in hearing Father, C, and 
S. sing together, I enjoy reading the Bible 
very much. Must be very busy, as I am to 
leave so soon. 

14. I do not think of anything I have done 
to-day which I regret. Am thankful to God 
for restraining grace. 

16. Went with my class to Mrs, Hill's 
prayer-meeting. At four the Sewing Circle 
met in our parlor. Reading by Mr. Kendall, 
as usual. Spent an hour with him in the eve- 
ning, and said to him what I wished to say last, 
week. It was well received. 

17. Attended Juvenile missionary meeting. 
Brother J. read a report on the Mendi mission. 
Father has been out shopping with me, and 
furnished me with everything I want for the 
winter, and mother is assisting me in my nec- 
essary work. How many mercies I am daily 
receiving. 

18. Sabbath. Taught my class, as usual. 
Attended church and children's prayer-meeting. 



162 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

B. is not quite happy in his mind to-day. O, 
how dear these brothers and sisters are to me. 
I have not made as much spiritual progress for 
a few days as I wish I had, yet the week has 
not been without profit. I feel my dependence 
on Christ, and must keep at the foot of the 
cross. 

19. I received a letter from Mr. K., which 
brought matters to a crisis ; but I was still 
irresolute. Have been consulting parents. 
They, as well as J., think highly of him, and 
will not withhold their consent, if /am satisfied 
myself. My feelings were favorable, but when 
the time came for me to meet him, I had only 
two or three thoughts ready; — but to make the 
record short — the question is settled. We are 
engaged. I trust in Christ. As I have been 
holding the matter in suspense, I have said 
often to myself, I could not rest as quietly as 
I do, were it not for trust in Christ. 

20. I am not sent for to my school yet 
What can it mean ? I have written one or 
two letters to-day, listened to reading awhile, 
chatted and played some, but felt disappointed 
about my school. Was tempted to lose my 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 163 

patience, liardly recognizing the hand of Him 
who was overruling and governing all. 

22. Have studied and read. J. having 
gone to Pittsfield for a day or two, I felt a 
little sad and lonely ; but aft jr a season of 
communion with God in my room in the eve- 
ning, felt happy. 

letter to c. p. 

Oberlin, Nov. 22, 1849. 
Dearest Clara — 

It is a dark and dismal day, but that does 
not affect me. I am as happy as a bright and 
joyous spring morning could make me. And 
all because I have had a real trial — ^have been 
sorely tempted, and, through Christ, have 
gained the victory. Five days I have had my 
trunk packed, expecting those to call for me 
who had engaged me to teach. My tempta- 
tion was to become impatient and cast blame 
upon somebody. 1 did not incline to recognize 
the hand of my Heavenly Father at first, but 
at length I did and submitted. I then saw how 
the trial might be converted into a blessing. I 
am still hourly expecting them. But I am 
happy to wait as long as is necessary, or to 



164 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

give it all up. I have already been blest by it 
and I trust my Savior implicitly. I am teach- 
ing for Margaret Wyett just now, as she is ill. 
Matters in general are going on quietly and 
prosperously here. Examinations have passed, 
and the term has closed. Thank you much 
for your precious letter. It was a very great 
comfort. Write soon and often. 

Yours ever, Helen. 

JOUENAL. 

24. Have visited with Margaret W., who 
is sick and fears she shall not be able to go on 
with her school. Was happier than ever before 
with her; 'not because she has changed, but 
because my mind is better prepared to appre- 
ciate her society. 

25. Taught Margaret's school to-day. 
Found it pleasant. 

26. Sabbath. The past week has been a # 
long one. I can hardly remember Monday. 

It has been a week of the Lord's special deal- 
ings with me. Prof. Morgan preached to-day 
on the 16th, 17th, and 18th verses of the 3rd 
chapter of Malachi. It was a precious season. 
What an unspeakable privilege to hear our 



GRACE VICTORIOUS, 165 

Heavenly Father saying of us, ''And they shall 
be rained How a child loves to hear a parent 
say — ^'My own son," or ^^my own daughter." 
I looked back a little over my journal in the 
evening. How mercifully the Lord has dealt 
with me. And what will he do with me or by 
me the coming week ? As this question comes 
up, I say from the depths of my heart, '* Let 
him do what seemeth him good." I should 
regard it as a blessing to be permitted to go to 
my school, but shall be satisfied any way. 
Prof. M. said, *'The eye of faith can see a 
smiling face behind a frowning providence." 
Evening, attended a concert of prayer for the 
oppressed. 

27. Have taught to-day in Margaret's school, 
and enjoyed it much. Have felt full of life and 
buoyancy. I hear nothing from my school 
yet, but leave it all with the Lord. Have had 
a call from Mr. K. Really, I am becoming 
very happy in this new friendship. I have 
just begun to appreciate the excellencies of his 
character. 

I wonder if I shall be sent for, to-morrow. 
Wish I might. 

28. Committed all my ways to the Lord 



166 Memoir of heleM. 

this morning; heartily wishing to go, but hap- 
py in staying, if that be his will. If I should 
not be sent for, I shall wonder what good pur- 
pose was to be effected or what evil prevented, 
by ray expectation and disappointment. Per- 
haps I should not have done good there. Bui 
why not? Surely the grace of God is suffi- 
cient. Perhaps I have not prayed over it 
enough. 

Have had a more pleasant school than any 
day before. The dear children have been very 
good. Whether I go away or stay, I will en- 
deavor to do good. The world is to be con- 
verted to Christ, and shall I not help in the 
work? Let me not idle away a moment, 
Happy season of prayer. Wish I could ex- 
press how the Lord is blessing me. Wrote a 
letter and then listened to Charles' reading. 

29. Thanksgiving day. How much I have 
to be thankful for. Every temporal want sup- 
plied, living here at my own dear home, kind 
friends, Josephine with me, a new friend, too, 
of the Lord's furnishing; — l;ut I can only begin 
to enumerate my temporal mercies, and then, 
my cup of spiritual blessings has been made 
to run over. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 167 

BO. Truly, we know not what a day may 
bring forth. I am now expecting to go to 
Sheffield instead of Perrysburg. Have an of- 
fer of a school there, which father approves of 
my accepting. I trust it with the Lord, though 
I do not understand fully his designs at present. 

Dec. 1. Taught M.'s school for the last 
time. Attended missionary meeting. 

2. Sabbath. Have read a good deal to-day, 
and been much blessed of God. 



CHAPTER Xir. 

TEAGHING SCHOOL IN SHEFFIELD. 
JOUENAL. 

Dec. 3. I take my pen in Sheffield to-nightj 
almost buried in a feather bed for the sake of 
keeping warm, as I have no warm room to 
write in, except the family sitting-room ; and 
how happy I am. So many blessings. 
Kind friends here have almost made me forget 
this evening that I am away from home. 

4. As I entered my own room this morning 
after breakfast, the first longing for home came 
over me. My heart swelled, and the tears 
started. O how precious it is to go to Christ 
with everything. I have faith to believe 1 shall 
do well in my school. I already love the dear 
children. 

No blessing asked at table here, but I shall 
always ask one for myself, but whether to let 
it be seen or not, I don't know. Christ will 



©RACE VICTORIOUS. 169 

leach me. I must exert myself to do good 
here this winter. I did not expect to feel such 
a sense of loneliness as I do. At noon and 
again at night, when out of school, I have had 
to exert myself to the utmost to keep back the 
tears. Could hardly speak, but went to my 
precious Heavenly Father. I want nearer 
communion with him than I have ever had, 
I want to be taught how to govern, how to 
impart knowledge, and how to gain the love 
and confidence of both parents and bhildren. 
While reading the Bible to-night, I felt such a 
love for its precious truths and for its Author, 
as I never had before. I am convinced that 
love to God or to our fellow creatures may be 
increased by giving it expression. I have al- 
ways been very much lacking in this thing. 

My school-house is the place for public 
worship, as they have no church edifice. Rev, 
Mr. Wright is pastor. 

5. Have had a pleasant school to-day; have 
thought a good deal about home and friends, 
and my Savior too, and am very happy indeed. 

6. Two of my scholars sick. Have carried 
their case to God in prayer. How shall I do 
good here? I must have courage enough to go 



ttO MEMOIR OF HE£E}^. 

contrary to the practices of people whenever 1 
think them wrong. I must stand up for all 
real reforms. M^^ trust in the Lord is firm as 
ever, but O ray loneliness ! How I should 
rejoice to see home. I am very thankful for 
th^ friendship recently formed. I am much 
happier in it than I expected to be, and more 
satisfied that it is of the Lord. The winter 
looks long before me. O what a changeable 
being I am ! Unstable as the wind. One hour 
sad and lonely, and the next so happy that my 
heart leaps for joy. 

7; Crying again. Understand now the 
feelings I have heard homesick girls attempt 
to describe. O, for a letter ! 

8. Could not eat this morning — almost 
cried at table. Deep snow. Walked through 
it to school, Am glad of my high boots. Mr. 
D. is very kind and so are all the family, 
and try in every way to make me happy. I 
like my two homes here very much, and feel 
somewhat relieved from that oppressive sense 
of loneliness. I am still surrounded with 
God's richest mercies and my heart is full of 
gratitude. I am teaching my girls to sing, and 
they are progressing finely. 



CSkACE VidtORlOUS. 17 1 

9. This morning- I lay awake a long tim^ 
before rising, thinking of God and seeking 
his blessing. Before breakfast, read the Bible 
and had a sweet season of prayer. I cannot 
express my joy and peace. 1 will live with 
God all this winter, — yes, and always. But 
I must do something besides read the Bible 
and pray. I must do something for the souls 
around me. I must have spiritual blessings in 
my school ; must not be satisfied with a little 
good, but must be instant in season and out of 
season. I will ask great blessings of God. 
I want to be an honor to Christ and a joy to 
holy beings. Have to-day felt my responsi- 
bilities in view of mercies received. I must 
pray — importune God for blessings on my 
school. 

10. New cause of gratitude. Have re- 
ceived two letters from home to-day. 

11. All is joyous with me to-day. There 
is not a shadow left of that awful loneliness, 
I thank my God for this, but would be w iiling 
to live in sorrow all my days, if that would 
keep me nearer the Savior than joy and hap- 
piness would. 

12. Found it difficult this morning to keep 



173 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

up my interest in school, but conquered all 
my disinclination to it, went on and had a hap- 
py day. But earthly happiness must not take 
me from Christ* O my God ! let me not grieve 
thee. Whenever thou seest me wrong, set me 
right. 

13. A heart full of happiness and thankful- 
ness. I see Christ's guiding hand aiding and 
directing me in my school. 

In conversation with one of my older schol- 
ars to-day, have become satisfied that she thinks 
I am too buoyant and mirthful in school, and 
do not keep them still enough. I am thankful 
for a hint of this sort. 1 believe it has come 
in answer to my prayers. Henceforward 1 
will try to keep them stiller, and be more so- 
ber myself. O for grace to save souls ! 

15. Rose early, and had a long, uninter- 
rupted season of prayer. Have felt a good deal 
of trial lately, in determining which of two 
places to make my piincipal home. Both are 
willing and even desirous to have me come. 
Under the circumstances I felt unwilling to 
decide the matter myself, and in great kindness 
to me, the Lord has decided it by his provi- 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 173 

dence. This gives more strength to my faith. 
I believe I may always be directed. 

16. Sabbath. While in meeting to-day, I 
suffered my mind to rim on an imaginary visit 
to my home, and the reflection upon this, added 
to my doubts about the rightfulness of writing 
to my friend Lucy after meeting, (though what 
I wrote was chiefly upon religious subjects,) 
distressed me, and made me fear that guilt rest- 
ed upon my soul. But I have carried all to 
Christ, and trust he will shew me the extent of 
the sin. I must not, will not, suffer anything 
to come between him and my soul. 

17. I have been considering the case of 
some here who are in their sins. O that I may 
fearlessly present before them the dreadful state 
of those who know their duty and do it not. 

18. O how pleasant my school is becoming. 
The children are very affectionate towards me» 
and faithful in their studies. 

19. I am daily receiving great spiritual 
blessings from the bountiful hand of my Hea- 
venly Father. Tarried at the school-house till 
nearly dark, for prayer. In the evening, talked 
with J. about his soul. Hope the words may 
not prove to be like seed sown upon stony 



i'H MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

ground. I really long for another letter fi-qm 
home. My heart goes out in earnest prayer 
for my dear friends there. 

I do not feel perfectly well to-night. 

20. Have had a most blessed day. AVhen- 
ever my needs are greatest, then grace most 
abounds. I have new scholars almost every 
day. Had a trying time at noon, the boys 
inclined to be so noisy ; but I asked and re- 
ceived wisdom from above. His grace is suf- 
ficient for me. 

24. Was really tired last night, but feel 
rested now. Have had a good school to-day. 
After supper helped M. do up the work; then 
we sung and had a real merry time. Mr. D, 
came and surprised me with two letters. O, 
were they not welcome! Have had a hard 
toothache and pain in my face from getting my 
clothes drabbled with snow last night. Another 
snow-storm to-day. Mr. D. came forme with 
an umbrella and sleigh. My Father's hand is 
showering blessings on my unworthy head, 
and my lieart is full of gratitude. How pre- 
cious those letters are. 

26. Had a large company to Christmas 
supper at Mr. B.'s yesterday. Am very tired 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 175 

to-night, having had a very full school. Had 
a blessed season ot pra;/er at noon. How I 
love to trust God. 

27. Pleasant to-day without and within. 
Am not tired at all. It interests me greatly to 
see the proficiency my scholars are making in 
their studies, and I thank my precious Jesus 
who blesses my labors. Took a walk on the 
hills with my school girls this noon. Should 
love to visit home on Saturday. 

30. Mr. W. preaches well and is heartily 
devoted to doing good. Hope I do not offend 
God by neglecting to speak pointedly to those 
who are out of Christ, but a great deal older 
than I am. I feel for their souls, pray for 
them, and watch for opportunities of talking 
with them upon personal religion; but perhaps 
I ought to seize the first opportunity, whether 
a good one or not. 

31. Have had a pleasant day in school, but 
find little chance for praying alone these cold 
days. I trust the Lord, and he keeps me in 
perfect peace. Letters to-night from mother 
and the children, I think — yes, I know that 
the family here love me, if actions are any 
criterion by which to judge. O, how I long 



176 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

for the good of their souls. I should iovie tO 
tell them that I pray for them if it was wise to 
say it. It is the Lord who inclines their hearts 
towards me, and I thank him for it. 

I have been looking back over my life and 
asking myself what I was at the age of twelve, 
I could not p' ssihly describe myself. Really 
I had hardly begun to live. What a change 
since tlicn. Surely 1 ought to be willing to 
lay down my life for Him who has brought 
about this change. 

January 1, 1850. A delightful morning. 
The year opens beautifully. May it be a year 
of great spiritual blessings to the world. My 
heart is full of gratitude for the blessings I now 
enjoy. Have a warm room this morning with- 
out interruption. 

Evening. I love to lock up and say from 
. the depths of my heart, "My Father." O, 
how blessed that he can be with me every- 
where. Have been thinking of death. **I 
would not live always." I am ready and 
willing to go whenever my Savior shall call. 

3. Had a blessed time alone with God this 
morning before school. I have prayed that, if 
consistent with his will, I might go home next 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 177 

Saturday for a visit, and I trust I shall be al- 
lowed to do so. Hope the weather will con- 
tinue good. Ido not cough as much as I did 
a few days ago. 

4. The first thought this morning was, 
*' Only one more night before I go home ; and 
I was childish enough to clap my hands for joy. 
If, however, I should be prevented from going 
by storms or anything else, I know I shall be 
happy, for God's hand will be in it, and he is 
love. 

5. Taught in the morning, and at noon 
prepared for home. Miss D. accompanied me. 
A fine ride, and a thankful heart. Could 
hardly bear to wait in Elyria to get warm. 
"Rode home in a short time, and found the 
family at supper. O how good liome is ! We 
immediately sat down to family worship. How 
sweet the music sounded. Visited with all the 
folks a while, then went with J. to ovr own 
room. Retired late, but happy. 

6. Attended church in Oberlin again. Prof. 
Morgan preached from this text : *' So teach us 
to number our days that we may apply our 
hearts unto wisdom." Communion season in 
the afternoon. Had an interesting time at our 



178 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

family prayer meeting. Two of our young 
lady boarders think they have given their hearts 
to tlie Lord to-day. 

7. Spent the forenoon happily, and at two 
o'clock set out on my return to Sheffield. A 
pleasant and comfortable ride. 

8. School much as usual. Love my friends 
more than ever. A little sad to-ni^ht, thouo^h 
not homesick. Am perfectly sure that Christ 
listens to my prayers. 

9. Last night I was rather tired and dis- 
couraged, but this morning have cast all my 
care on Him who careth for me, and went to 
school praying for wisdom for myself, and the 
influences of the Spirit of God among my 
scholars, and he answered my prayers. How 
valuable are religious exercises in school. 
They strengthen me, sweeten my temper, and 
exert a controlling influence over the children. 
I am somewhat tired ; must retire early and get 
well rested for my labors to-morrow. I am 
alone with God. He is all my salvation and 
all my desire. How can I be thankful enough 
that I am not left to hardness of heart; that I 
love God, my Heavenly Father. 



tJRACE VICTORIOUS. 179 

10. Went to school depending entirely on 
Christ. All goes on well. When I come from 
school at night is the time to long for letters 
from home. Ironed my own clothes to-night 
and felt tired. Lay down on the bed for a few 
minutes, and slept till nine o'clock. K. now 
reads her Bible before she retires at night, and 
this evening left the room a short time — for 
prayer I hope. 

12. Another week's work is done. O how 
I feel the responsibility of my school in its 
present state. Bat I cast all upon Christ. He 
is able and willing to aid me. He loves me. 
He says he has loved us as the Father has 
loved him. Have spent the evening in writing 
and preparing for the Sabbath. 

13. Enjoyed great peace to-day. Endeav- 
ored to do good to the souls of the family. 

14. A beautiful morning; and how full of 
happiness is my heart. H. is converted. Last 
evening, when I talked with her about the state 
of her soul, I found she was already deeply 
convicted of sin and in great anxiety. I tried 
to lead her to Christ, prayed with her and 
urged her to pray for herself, if it were but the 
prayer of the Publican. She complied, and, 



180 MEMOIR OF HELEN'. 

after a long silence, said again, «' O Lord ! teach 
me to love thee with all my heart, and mind, 
and strength," I entreated her to come quite 
to Christ, and give herself up entirely to him. At 
length she said, '*I have done it. I have done 
it." *'Have you indeed given your heart to 
God?" I asked. *' Yes, I have,*' she answered. 

how full of joy and thankfulness was my 
heart! How entirely has it been the work of 
the Lord. Let him be praised. What a re^ 
proof to unbelief and encouragement to faith. 
She will need great grace, for she is under 
unfavorable circumstances. She must stand 
by faith. She says she had not suspected what 
a change she should feel in her heart. She had 
often read in the Testament what she must do 
to be saved, but never understood it before. 
Am boarding at Mr. B.'s now, a pleasant place. 

1 shall have a room alone. Would like to write 
more but being at a new place must talk and knit. 

15. Prayed for a pleasant school to-day and 
have had it. Teaching school and having 
children around me all the time is a real disci- 
pline. How I should enjoy one day alone — 
all alone. I believe K. will be converted this 
winter. 



^RACB VICTORIOUS. 181 

LETTER TO MOTHER. 

Sheffield, Jan. 15, '50^ 
Dearest Mother — 

While I should enjoy nothing better than to 
write a long time to you, I am so situated at 
this time as to be unable to do so. It seems a 
long time since I was one of your happy num- 
ber. Last week was rather a difficult one ; I 
became very tired every night. The responsi- 
bility of the school is constantly increasing, and 
the large boys occasioned me much anxiety ; 
but they do better now. I can see that the 
Lord is aiding me in the management of the 
school, and I can never thank him enough for 
it. It is much easier and pleasanter this week 
than it was last. Thirty-two or thirty-three 
usually present. They all say it is larger than 
they expected. But I have glad tidings of 
great joy to tell yon. One of my older schol- 
ars is converted. I am the more sure it is a 
genuine work of grace, as it is so evidently the 
work of God. She is sixteen years of 
age. I am daily looking for the conver- 
sion of another one, near her own age — a 
pleasant, intelligent girl — though she has said 



182 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

nothing to me like it. I have spoken a few 
words to her, and I believe the Spirit of the 
Lord is operating upon her heart. I love these 
girls very much, and believe they reciprocate 
my love* I thank the Lord for that, for it is 
he who inclines their hearts toward me. I used 
to think, dear parents, that I had never been 
called upon to deny myself for Christ, but I 
cannot say that now. I not only long for the 
rest and comfort of home, but I long for as 
much as one whole day to myself. But for 
Christ's sake and the good of souls, I am will" 
ing and glad to deny myself these enjoyments. 
Indeed, I look upon it as a precious privilege 
to labor thus in his vineyard. Some of the 
people here speak of 2^ four months^ school. 

But I am not quite well. To-night have a 
pain in my chest and through between my 
shoulders; the effect of a little cold, I think. 
There has been so much snow tliat my high 
boots have been very useful. 

How absence from home calls out all the 
strength of my affection for you. After I get 
home from school at night, such a longing for 
a word of love from home comes over me as I 
cannot describe. I rather think teaching is 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 183 

better than study for cultivating the affections. 
My love for the children helps me greatly in 
my labors. I really believe I feel some of the 
partiality of a parent for them. How are those 
young converts who board at our house pro- 
gressing? Much love to all the family. 

Your loving daughter, Helen. 

JOURNAL. 

Jan. 16. I have written and sent away two 
letters to-day. My school has been very still. 
I have a pleasant boarding-place. Am quite 
sleepy to-night and have a pain in my shoulder. 
A cough troubles me some. 

18. Happy, happy indeed. My Heavenly 
Father is watching over me ; I can see his kind 
hand daily and hourly. Love my school-girls 
very much. All are kind, exceedingly kind. 

20. Snowing to-day. Good sleighing. H. 
stands fast in the faith yet. I have been to 
Bible class, but coughed continually; at length 
became sick at the stomach, and got excused. 
Felt quite unwell, and took some of their 
"Painkiller." My head aches and burns, and 
cold chills chase each other over my frame 
continually. 



184 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

21 . Much better to-day. A pleasant school. 
Returning from school at niglit, Maria D. came 
out and asked me to come in and hear her re- 
cite a lesson. I saw by the children's smiling 
faces and the table neatly spread, that they had 
planned to keep me to supper. Four letters 
were handed me. Welcome messengers, filled 
with words of love. But father's and mother's 
letter surprised me greatly. They have deci- 
ded in consequence of my cough and the pain 
in my shoulder which I just mentioned once, 
that I must not remain here longer, but leave 
and come home immediately. But I thought, 
How can I? It cannot be duty. No one can 
step into my place in the school or in the hearts 
of the children. O how much excited I felt. 
I have written them a strong remonstrance 
already, and now pray that God will direct 
them in their answer to my letter. I will rest 
it in his hands. What if I should have to go? 
Leave H. and K. and all of them ! 

LETTER TO PARENTS. 

January 21. 
Dear Parents — 

Your welcome letter brought me some trial, 
as you may well imagine. Can it be best for 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 185 

rae to leave my dear school? How can I do 
it? The evening I wrote that letter I was un- 
commonly tired, had walked some distance and 
felt that pain in the chest I spoke of, which is 
by no means common. Now I am better; my 
school is prosperous ; God is working by his 
Spirit on the hearts of many, convicting them 
of sin, and preparing them to be wrought upon 
by words of love, exhortation and encourage- 
ment. Then there is H. who has given herself to 
the Lord — my heart yearns over her; she needs 
and seems to value my words of advice and 
hope, or rather those which Christ puts into 
my mouth. There is no one to whom she 
would open her heart so freely. When I think 
of staying, all looks hopeful; but O, I dread to 
leave. Can it be best? It does seem to me 
that the risk of injury to my health will be as 
nothing, compared with the injury elsewherew 
I will take a good deal more pains to protect 
my health than I have done, though I do not 
feel greatly to blame for the past. Mrs. B. 
gave me, while at her house, that which helped 
my cough immediately, and I have now sent 
for more. I can stay at Mr. Day's all the time, 
and they offer to carry me to school and back 



186 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

every day ; or I can board at Mr. Wright's, 
only a few steps from the school-house. Mr. 
Day is now in Elyria, and the family are about 
writing him to bring me some very excellent 
cough-drops. I shall not sleep any more in 
that very cold room you warned me against. 
I am anxious to do the will of God, and am 
strongly inclined to believe he would have me 
stay. I believe my cough may be relieved. 
Do let us pray that God would bless the means 
we are about using, so that I may stay the five 
weeks which remain, and then come home to 
my good warm chamber. Will not this do ? 
I do not profess to know what is best, but thus 
it seems to me. My school-house is always 
warm when I go there, as first rate hands build 
-the fire. I think exposure can be prevented 
almost entirely. The people here would all feel 
badly to have me leave. 

I think that all the arguments I have advanced 
have considerable weight; perhaps more than 
you will readily see. Will you not wait a little 
while and see if I do not stop coughing? Mr. 
B. is going to Oberlin, and you can give him 
your answer. May the Lord direct you right. 
Your afi't. daughter, Helen. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 187 

J0I7RNAL. 

22. Have shewn my letter to the school 
directors and their families, and all express 
the strongest desire to have me stay, and the 
hope and belief that my cough may be soon 
cured. They promise to do all they can for 
me, and to make my school duties and cares as 
light as possible. I have been talking with 
Mr. W,, the pastor, about the religious interest 
in my school; he is much encouraged about it. 
My heart yearns over my dear pupils. O I 
do hope I may be permitted to remain. To be 
sure I am not very well ; there is a little sore- 
ness under my shoulder-blade, and my cough 
is troublesome, though a little better just now, 
and I hope soon to be free from it. They do 
everything for me here which they think can 
be of service to me, and I can be very careful ^ 
and intend to be. 

23. Very tired to-night. A quilting here ; 
but I came in from school and sat down by 
Mrs. D. and talked with her as with mother. 
She is very kind and warm-hearted. There 
was a good deal of company about, but I lay 
down upon a settee and slept all the evenings 



188 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

24. Very much better this morning. I did 
not know that I was so far from well as to ad- 
mit of so much improvement. Mr. B. has 
been to O., has seen my parents, and brought 
me a note which says that I may stay a few 
days and watch my cough and other ailments 
carefully, writing them fully and freely as often 
as once in three or four days. This is better 
than nothing. I am to ride to and from school. 
The people here all think me better, and indeed 
I am. I hardly cough at all to-day. 

25. The people are very kind indeed. My 
health is certainly better ; I have a good appe- 
tite, I have been down with the girls to-day 
to the bank of the stream where they have a 
fine play-house, covered with evergreens and 
carpeted with moss. The stream is rapid, and 
at a little distance from them, rushes over a 
-dam, so that they have pleasure for the ear as 
well as for the eye. A delightful place. 

Have had my sympathies touched to-day for 
H., who has been ridiculed for her religion. I 
must pray for her more. What a debt of grat- 
itude T owe my Heavenly Father for the count- 
less blessings which have always fallen to my 
lot. 



^RACE VICTORIOTJS. 180 

26. A better school than usual. Have been 
talking with K. — am anxious about her soul, 
but have hope for her. My health continues 
better. My cough is not troublesome. 

27. A delightful Sabbath. I am really 
happy. Mr. Wright preached from the jailer's 
words — <*What shall I do to be saved?" He 
appeared more deeply interested than ever. 
What can I do in return for so many blessings? 
I almost fear I am not living so near the Savior 
as when I was less blessed in outward circum- 
stances. Then I felt deeply the necessity of 
his presence, and really lived in constant 
thought of him and prayer to him. He has 
not been quite so much in my thoughts lately. 
I fear I have grieved Christ by attributing in 
my feelings (not in my thoughts) too much of 
the religious interest here to my own influence. 
O, I must keep low. I have just made a new 
consecration of myself to Christ. 

One more of the older members of my school, 
as I conversed with her to-day, wept and ex- 
pressed her desire to become a Christian. O, 
that all the people here would keep the Sabbath 
as it ought to be kept. Have had a good deal 
of pain in iTiy ear. 



190 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

28. Thanks to my Heavenly Father for im- 
proved health. O, for converting grace among 
my scholars* All power is in Christ. 

LETTER TO S. P.. 

Sheffield, Jan. 28. 
Dear Sarah — 

Though unanswered letters lie before me, 
and I remember that you are yet my debtor, 
still I feel inclined to write you to-night. I have 
thought much lately cf you and of last winter's 
scenes. How nearly one we were. Walked 
to church together, to our dear Sabbath-school, 
and at night, after our day's toil, always to- 
gether in our room, rejoicing in each other's 
joy and sympathizing in each other's sorrow. 
Do you love to think of it as well as I do ? 
How I long to hear from you — to know your 
heart. Have you any trials now-a-days ? Are 
you ever lonely ? I wish I had been a better 
sister to you when I had an opportunity. Did 
you receive my letter speaking of my going to 
Perrysburg to teach ? I lived in suspense sev- 
eral days, ready and waiting for them to come 
after me, but they came not. In the mean time 
Judge Day from Sheffield wanted Meacher, so 



GRACE VICTORIOUS, 191 

here I am two-thirds through with a district 
school. It is a pleasant place and I have en- 
joyed it much. I was really homesick for a 
week, but the first letters from home dispelled 
all gloom. I have eight girls in my school 
who might be called young ladies. They 
study Watts on the mind, Paley's Evidences 
of Christianity, Kames' Elements, &c., &c. 
So you see my hands must be full with these 
studies added to advanced classes in Arith- 
metic and all the common branches. But 
Christ has given me strength, and indeed he 
has mercifully inclined the hearts of the peo- 
ple to be satisfied with my school. One of 
my scholars I think is really converted, others 
I hope are convicted. O how lovingly kind 
our Heavenly Father is. He is showering 
countless blessings in my pathway: and I know 
not how to be grateful enough. 

Our people have been so much concerned 
about a cough which has troubled me some, 
that they sent for me to come home directly; 
but I plead off, and am now here only on pro- 
bation. If my health improves I shall proba- 
bly stay. I could not bear the thought of 
leaving my school in present circumstances, 



192 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

and so near through. However it raised quite 
a stir in my district, and brought out many 
expressions of affectionate regard which were 
peculiarly grateful. Do write me soon, and 
may Heaven's richest blessings be yours, is 
the prayer of 

Your afft* Helen. 

JOTJENAL. 

Jan. 9. Accompanied some of the young 
people across the river upon a visit. We went 
on horseback to the river, then took a boat and 
passed through a tunnel. A fine time, but 
rather exciting. The company sung most of 
the time, but I could not. Returned at nine 
o'clock. 

30. Was invited to the Ridge this evening, 
but Mr. D. said he should not let me go, 
though if it was really pleasant weather, and 
1 could see my father or mother by going out, 
he would not object. Staid at home and M. 
H. and I had a season of prayer for the other 
girls. Wrote some and slept in my chair a 
while. 

31. All has passed pleasantly in my school 
to-day. I have been happy and even joyful 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 193 

in my soul. Have labored some for the good 
of souls. I must not let the girls rest till they 
give their hearts to the Savior. 

Feb. 1. After tea to-night accompanied sev- 
eral of the girls to Mr. W.'s, at his request, 
for religious conversation and prayer. One or 
two of them do not see, as they need to, their 
dreadful ^uilt in withholding their affections 
from the Savior. Returned rather tired. Feel 
as though I should enjoy a week of perfect 
rest. 

2. I am so anxious about the religious in- 
terests of the girls, that it is a constant care. 
I feel pretty well, only much fatigued. 

3. Mr. B. took us all to meeting. Mr. W. 
preached to the impenitent. An inquiry meet- 
ing is to be held on Thursday evening. An- 
other of my girls is hopefully converted. I 
hope and pray that it may be a thorough work. 
Tears of joy relieved my full heart when I 
learned the fact. 

4. Have had the toothache severely to-day. 
but am not very tired. 

5. Toothache continually. A restless night 
and an uncomfortable day. 



194 MEMOIR OF hel:en. 

6. My school has been more difficult to 
manage to-day than usual, but I have cast all 
my care upon the Lord. Received two good 
letters. 

7. School pleasant to-day. Retired imme- 
diately after supper, had my face poulticed and 
enjoyed a good rest. 

8. A happy day in school. F§e\ better 
than I have for many days. I receive all pos- 
sible attention and kindness. At five o'clock 
attended a meeting for prayer at Mr. W.'s, 
Four of my school girls now profess to have 
given their hearts to the Savior. But they 
have to meet with some scoffers. May they 
have faith, humility, and wisdom. O, how I 
need wisdom myself. And I remember it is 
written, *'If any of you lack wisdom, let him 
ask of God," &c. 

LETTER TO MOTHER. 

February 8. 
Dearest Mother-— 

Your letter, which I should have received on 
Monday, did not arrive until Wednesday — but 
it was truly welcome when it did come, and 
could not have been roore so at any other time, 



^RACE VICTORIOUS. lUS 

for that was one of the hardest days I have had 
in school. One of my best boys had been ugly 
that day, and almost all seemed possessed with 
a desire to make themselves as troublesome as 
possible. That letter seemed a blessing drop- 
ped directly from Heaven. Have al/tended a 
prayer-meeting at Mr. Wright's, for ladies only, 
this afternoon. The converts appear well, and 
I think are growing in grace. There is a good 
deal of seriousness in the minds of many. I 
believe the Spirit of God is still working here. 
It was especially evident last night when Mr, 
W. spoke in the Bible class as, I am sure, he 
of himself never conld have done. 

Last week I had the toothache almost con- 
stantly and it made me feel miserably, but it is 
entirely gone now. Indeed I am feeling pretty 
well. I wish father and you would come out 
here before I leave. My friends here would 
give you a cordial welcome, and I cannot tell 
you how glad I should be. Why, I have re- 
ally expected you. Whenever a really pleasant 
day comes I think of it and give the stove a 
little extra brushing and charge the girls to 
sweep clean. Two weeks from Wednesday I 
suppose you will see in your own house 

Your own daughter, Helen. 



196 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

JOtJBNAL. 

Feb. 9. How thankful I anj to be free from 
pain. I talked with A. at noon, and gave him 
a slip of paper with references to certain texts 
of scripture which speak of the doom of the 
wicked, and urged him to read them and reflect 
seriously upon them. He promised to read 
themr O that the Lord would search his heart. 
I have lately realized, more fully than ever be- 
fore, the amazing littleness of everything 
brought forward as an excuse for sin. 

Nothing can exceed the kindness shewn me 
by Mr. D.'s family. 

10. Sabbath. Have attended meeting to- 
day, but am sorry for the manner in which I 
spent the time while at home. I read the Bi- 
ble, the Oberlin Evangelist and Baxter's ser- 
mons, and enjoyed them much ; but something 
I met with in the latter convinced me that I 
ought to have improved the time in conversing 
with the girls upon personal religion. I can 
read after I return home; but cannot then 
have access to these precious souls. I find one 
of them has been longing and hoping for an 
interview with me all day. Had I known it 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 19? 

at the time, I would have given up my reading 
at once. I must not live another day without 
more prayer. I have been asking God to shew 
me any iniquity there may be in my heart, and 
cleanse it out; and he has manifested himself 
almost to my sight. 

11. Received letters from mother, Mr. K. 
and Lucy, and have written two or three 
myself. 

12. I have some anxieties about the young 
converts. Have carried their case to God. 

13. Staid after school to oversee and aid in 
cleaning the school-house. Had a trial con- 
nected with it, in which I now think I spoke 
rather unkindly. Had a real crying spell, and 
could hardly eat supper. My heart aches when 
I think of it. I did not feel unkindly, but was 
careless in my manner of speaking. 

14. A very pleasant schooL I have been 
more kind and careful. Took a sleigh-ride in 
the evening, and enjoyed it much. 

15. The days are passing rapidly. Soon 
I shall be at home. The term will commence 
and I do not wish to be absent from the first 
recitation. 



I9S MEM^OIR OF HELEKT. 

16. Last evening I was greatly oppressed 
with a sense of ray short- comings. The idea 
is painful, that I might have been much more 
useful if I had been more zealous. But I car- 
ried it to the long-sufferiKg Savior, and really 
trusted in him to forgive me, and give me 
strength to be faithful in future. He then 
shewed me his reconciled countenance, and 
I became aa happy as I could be. Now I 
must remember that only one week more re- 
mains in which I can labor directly for souls 
here. 

Have had some headache to-day, but feel 
some better since supper. How I do enjoy 
Mrs. D.^s company. She seems to me almost 
like a mother^ Have received some presents 
from her and am thankfuL 

17. Sabbath. A happy day. Attended 
meeting and Bible Class. In the evening 

prayed with and , but they laughed. 

I still feel a little concerned about some of the 
converts. There is power enough in the gos- 
pel of Christ. I do intend to be faithful the 
coming week. 

18. O my cup of blessings runneth over. 
Brother C. and sisters J., S. and M. arrived at 



ORACE VICTORIOUS. 199 

my school-house about noon and made me a 
short and sweet visit. They have now re- 
turned. How can I thank my God enough 
for this blessing ! 

19. Have felt very much tried respecting 
some things I have learned about two of my 
dear girls. I talked with one of them. She 
wept and so did I. 01 long for her soul. The 
Lord is giving me the greatest of all blessings, 
even his presence. How kind he is to me. 
I shall love to labor for him in Oberlin when I 
get there. But I begin to dread leaving these 
dear people here. 

23. Have had very comfortable and pleas- 
ant times for the three or four days in which I 
have not written, and I have to-day closed my 
school for the winter. H^^ve talked with the 
children, distributed some little love-tokens and 
witnessed some tears. Have just prepared 
my report. 

24. Have felt very unwell, but happy in 
Christ. Attended Bible Class in the evening. 

25. Bid good bye to Sheffield. Mr. D. 
accompanied me to EKria, where I took the 
stage. Was happy eioiioji to reacli home. 
Attended meeting in ilie yveuing. Very inter- 



200 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

esting indeed. O that Sheffield people could 
hear what I heard. A protracted meeting has 
been for some time in progress here. 

26. Attended meeting in the morning and 
again in the evening. Received some calls. 
Perhaps I shall teach a class in the Institution 
the coming term. Should love to, if I can 
honor God in it. 

28. This is the day of fasting and prayer 
for colleges. Mother preferred not to have me 
go out in the rain, as I am not well. So I ar- 
ranged father's books, read and prayed. Feel 
dull and sleepy, and have the headache. Love 
Josephine more and more. At three o'clock 
all the young ladies met Mrs. Hopkins, our 
new Principal. She was introduced by Mrs. 
Gates, who made very appropriate remarks. 
She requested us above all things else, to up- 
hold Mrs. H. by our prayers ; said she knew 
in her own experience, the value of this kind 
of sympathy. We were much pleased with 
Mrs. H. 

March 1 . I am very happy in Christ. Have 
been to him as a poor, needy being, and asked 
him for a great many blessings, which I am 
almost sure he will bestow. Went to the 



ORACE VICTORIOUS. 20 1 

meeting in the morning and found it exceed- 
ingly interesting. Every one who spoke ad- 
vanced some valuable idea which I wished to 
remember and use for my own spiritual good. 
What a work God is doing here ! Expecting 
Mr. K. here at two o^clock, I retired for prayer 
first. I prayed earnestly that our conversation 
might be just what Christ would have it. I 
want to realize that we are not alone, but that 
there is a third One present, a great and perfect 
Being, even Jesus Christ. My prayers w^ere 
in some measure answered, my faith in God 
was strengthened and my spiritual zeal quick- 
ened. Mr. K. spoke of Rom. 5: 20: *'But 
where sin abounded, grace did much more 
abound." How much grace I should have if 
I had obtained it in proportion to my trans- 
gressions ! We can have this grace from 
Christ. Let me think more of Heaven — of 
the inheritance prepared for me, if faithful to 
the end. It will be a cheering view, and also 
a great incentive to action. How elevating the 
idea that I am to prepare myself for the society 
of angels! 

Received calls from two or three ladies, but 
did not speak enough of Jesus to them. I 



263 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

might have given strong testimony to the good- 
ness of God. When shall I be wise ? 

2. Attended an excellent meeting in the 
morning. Have prayed earnestly to-day for the 
indwelling of the Holy Spirit, so that I might 
uniformly possess a meek and humble mind. 
My friend L. sent for me to come and spend 
the afternoon with her, I went with prayer 
and faith. I wanted to be a blessing to her 
soul. We had very interesting conversation 
and prayer together, I returned very tired. 

3. Sabbath. A storm prevented my attend- 
ing morning service. I read the Bible, Oberlin 
Evangelist and missionary papers, I prayed 
that God would give me just such views of 
myself as I needed, in order to prepare me for 
a rich blessing. In the afternoon the commu- 
nion was very precious to me. I devoted my- 
self anew to God with earnest prayer for a great 
blessing, and for ability to stand on higher 
ground than ever before; and O, this my suit 
must be pressed with such earnestness as to 
admit of no denial. O how unworthy I am! 
and yet this very sense o( un worthiness I fear 
arises more from the low opinion that 1 think 
others must have of me, than from a sense of 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 203 

my ill desert before God. Is there really pride 
in my heart, which needs to be humbled? O 
that the Lord would search my heart thorough- 
ly. I do not feel very well, and have been 
chilly all day. What a confinement a cough 
is, when watched over by a careful mother. 

5. Our studies fo* this term have been as- 
signed. Came home and made some litde 
improvement in my wardrobe, and spent some 
hours with mother and Josephine. Received 
one or two calls. At night found I had some 
light words to repent of. 

6. This morning, prevailed upon father to 
consent to my attending a reading class, in ad- 
dition to my studies. Have been to my reci- 
tations, attended one meeting -" -^ '^ and 
wasted one hour. Feel quite unwell. 

In one particular to-day I took a wrong 
course, because I was not in a state of mind 
just then to look to Jesus for direction. When 
I saw how it was, I took it to him, confessing 
that I had sinned, but even that did not melt 
my heart. I felt it somewhat, but did not shed 
a tear. " A. heart of sione is mine," said I to 
myself, Kut I will take it, hard as it is, to the 
feet of Jesus. I had prayed awhile, and I 



204 Memoir of helei^. 

believe said Amen, when a kind of stupor clame 
over me, and I knelt some time, in a state I can- 
not describe. I think if I were to attempt to tell 
anyone about my state of mind, T should grieve 
Christby trying to excuse myself. I have a good 
many causes for humility, and am getting low 
in my own estimation, bTlt this feeling, I fear, 
does not arise from a sense of having grieved 
the heart of tlie Savior, but from the fact that 
my defects are visible to human eyes. What 
shall I do? Who shall deliver me? What 
is my standing before God? Surely, I am 
consecrated to him, but O how I need to have 
my spiritual strength renewed ! I should like 
to open my heart to Mr. K., but fear I should 
take pride in something I should say. I have 
no confidence to open my mouth to any body 
upon any subject. 

7. Last evening before I retired, God let in 
the light of his countenance upon me again. 
In prayer Christ kept Satan back from me^ 
My heart became tender, tears of grief fell, 
and the cloud cleared away. To-day he has 
kept temptation at a distance, and I am happy 
— rejoicing in Christ. Shall I ever doubt 
again? I pray for faith. O that I could labor 
for G#d ; that he would show me what he has 



GRACE VICtORIOUS. 205 

for me to do. I am ready for any work. 

10. Since I wrote last, much has transpired 
which might have been noted down. After the 
happiness above expressed, another dark cloud 
came over me. Satan had me in his power 
wonderfully. On Sabbath evening I made my 
case known to father, and, after our interview, 
felt somewhat relieved, and trusted in Christ. 
On Tuesday I made some calls, studied some, 
and became very tired. Took a little medicine 
and v/as dizzy and sick. 

Wednesday, father and mother informed me 
that I must go to no more recitations at pres- 
ent. The Dr. has been called, and I have 
commenced taking medicine. My lungs are 
sore, my cough bad, and my pulse high. 

19. Last Sabbath I spent in reading, think- 
ing and sleeping. Felt very badly. At evening 
God shewed me that I had come home from Shef- 
field very high-minded indeed, and that my 
proud heart needed humbling, and now I am 
glad to submit to his chastisement. I see his 
hand in it all and am satisfied, for he knows 
just what I need, and his heart is one of love. 
I thought I could get well when I pleased, but I 
percieve my mistake. For two days past I have 
felt very weak and have mostly kept my room. 



CHAPTER XV. 

SICKNESS AND DEATH. 

When Helen returned home she seemed 
much surprised to find her parents so appre- 
hensive of serious iUness, and insisted that 
nothing more was necessary to her restoration 
than freedom from care, and opportunity to 
resume her former simple diet and habils of 
life; and assured them that they would soon 
see her well as ever, even if no restraints were 
laid upon her. 

These assurances, added to her evident 
buoyancy of spirits, partially decieved her 
parents for a time, though they watched every 
symptom and guarded every avenue to expos- 
ure, as far as lay in their power, entirely for- 
bidding her going out evenings. 

So hopeful and so sincere were her expec* 
tations of health, that she could by no mean* 
be persuaded to defer commencing her studic* 
at the appointed time. 



GRACE vicTomotjs. 207 

Thus matters went on for two or three 
weeks, until one night as she came in about 
tea-time, her motlier perceived she was much 
exhausted and apparently very ill, and upon 
inquiry, found that she had been making seve- 
ral calls and walking more than usual. Her 
strength seemed all gone and her features 
sunken and languid. All took the alarm, and 
studying, teaching, attending meetings, and 
everything akin to them, were at once strictly 
prohibited; 4he family physician was sum- 
moned the next morning, who after examining 
her symptoms, assured her parents confiden- 
tially that her case was a dark one. He soon 
called in the counsel of two otiier skilful phy- 
sicians, and with their approbation, entered 
upon a course of treatment which afforded 
relief from some of the most aggravated symp- 
toms of disease, and she lingered on through 
the spring months, sometimes better and some- 
times worse, until a physician of some emi- 
nence — a brother of her deceased mother — 
arrived from New England by request of the 
father, and for a few weeks took the charge of 
her case. His views of her disease and the 
requisite treatment coinciding with that of her 



208 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

attending physicians, no material changes were 
made. 

During all this time, her mind was in a re- 
markable state. Her hopes and expectations 
of recovery were still strong, but her love of 
divine things seemed to wane. Temptation 
had more power over her, she lost her relish 
for prayer, and the Bible was mostly neglected 
for other books, and the Savior seemed to hide 
his face. 

All this was not fully known at the time, but 
at length she made it known to her sister J., 
that she was in great darkness of mind, and 
had no present evidence of her acceptance with 
God. Occasionally she would partially open 
her heart to her mother, but rather inclined to 
keep her feelings concealed. She wrote noth- 
ing at this time in her journal, though not 
prevented during the summer and autumn by 
feebleness. Indeed, about the month of June 
she began to amend, and hope again revived 
in the hearts of her friends. In the month of 
August, at the annual College Commencement, 
she was able to attend some of the public ex- 
ercises ; and in September officiated as bride's 



GRACE VICTORIOUS, 209 

raaid at her sister J.'s second marriage, which 
took place in the church. 

LETTER TO HER GRANDMOTHER. 

Oberlin, Aug. 16, 1850. 
Dear Grandmother — 

Your letter which we received this morning 
was truly welcome. I cannot tell you how 
many times, as the mail has arrived, I have 
said, O, I hope there is a letter from grand- 
mother. We are all sorry you have had so 
much solicitude about my health, but I will 
tell you about it now. When the warm 
weather commenced, I began to gain strength, 
though I was not in reality better. That w^as 
about the time father was contemplating a tour 
to Germany. But the physicians thought it 
possible that the disease might make so rapid 
progress as that I might not live till fall, and 
he of course relinquished the idea. Since then 
the course of medicine I have pursued has 
benefitted me, and we have now no hesitation 
in saying 1 am better, I have litde or no pain, 
have an excellent appetite, am able to walk 
about the garden, and within a few days have 



210 MEMOIR OF KELEN. 

walked up stairs several limes ; though usually 
I am carried up. A day or two ago I rode out 
to a friend's, fourteen miles distant, without 
injury. I am about as proud of my exploits 
as a little child. 

I do not regard my present comfortable health 
as proof that I shall recover entirely, but I re- 
ceive it gratefully, as a blessing from the hand 
of my Heavenly Father. I often think it is in 
answer to the prayers of ray friends, that God 
so restrains pain and suffering. I have much 
to thank him for, and among other things, I 
thank him for your love and sympathy. I feel 
that the future is uncertain, but all will be well. 
As a lady remarked to me the other day, '* We 
have a God too good to be unjust, and too wise 
to make a mistake." I often think I may soon 
meet my dear mother in the bright world shove. 
It was very khid in Uncle B. and Aunt S. to 
come and spend so much time here; I enjoyed 
it very much. 

Yours with much love, Helen. 

About this time, she writes thus to her friend 

C.P.: 

Oberlin, Oct. 1, 1850. 

Why, dearest Clara, should you feel less 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 211 

sure of my sympathy and love than formerly? 
I can see no reason. My love for the one you 
speak of, can never lessen my love for you by 
one heart-throb or one kind feeling. One in- 
terferes not at all with the other. I have been 
proud of your friendship and love. I have 
been satisfied to sit by you, to walk with you 
and talk with you . Many a time I have wished 
I could always live with you. Really, there 
has been more romantic devotedness in my 
attachment to you, than to any other person. 
What a pity 1 had not known before I took 
the fatal step, that I should forfeit your confi- 
dence. But, seriously, Clara, you may dismiss 
your fears. "Enough of this," you say, and 
so do I. 

I have just bid Lucy good-bye. She has 
left town with her father's family to-day, for 
Cleveland. Josephine is now Mrs. Bateham, 
and at present in Cincinnati. Minerva is Mrs. 
Arnold and on her way to a foreign mission 
field, and Charles having married and gone into 
a home of his own, I am really quite alone. 
My health is about as good as when I saw you 
last — perhaps a little better. But I make haste 
slowly. Writing tires me, so I do very little 



212 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

of it. There is some talk of my going South 
the coming winter. I want letters from you 
very much. My friends are many of them 
going away, and I have no ability to make 
more. 

With love, your Helen. 

She continued to gain slowly, though at no 
time free from a cough, until near the middle 
of October, when she again relapsed, a regular 
hectic fever became established, her lungs grew 
more inflamed and sore, tubercles formed in 
them and discharged frequently, her strength 
waned, and her sick room was changed from 
an upper to a lower one, where her mother 
could attend to her wants personally. 

Again she writes to C. P., as follows: 

Oberlin, Nov. 6, 1850. 
My DEAR Clara — 

Your letter is received. I wish you were 
here to spend the evening with me. I would 
tell you of ray joys and sorrows, and receive 
your sympathy and kind words in return. I 
am not low-spirited, but I have a new discour- 
agement to encounter. Two weeks ago last 



i 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 213 

Sabbath I was taken more unwell, and am now 
quite down again. Have chills and fever, and 
increased cough. I feel it the more deeply, hav- 
ing had my hopes raised so high this fall. Now 
they are dashed to the earth and struggling for 
life. Really, I do not know what the proba- 
bilities for my life and health are. I think I 
have no will of ray own about it, but there is 
trial connected with it. I have been almost 
entirely useless for eight months. Do n't think 
that I complain or repine. I am willing to 
endure anything which my Heavenly Father 
ordains, but when I see others walking about 
in health and strength, I cannot but feel the 
difference. I would write more if I felt able. 
I feel very lonely without Josephine, you may 
be sure. Do send me letters often. 

Your own afft. Helen. 

Her hopes of ultimate recovery were still 
bright, but her anxiety about her spiritual state 
had become constant and sometimes intense. 
She nov;^ opened her heart fully to her mother. 
Her views of her own guilt in departing from 
God were clear, vivid and soul-humbling, and 
confession seemed to pour out of her heart like 



214 MEMOIR OF HELEM. 

water out of a fountain. She appeared never 
to be satisfied with self-condemnation. She 
dated the beginning of her departure from God 
in March, soon after her return from school ; 
said slie. remembered feeling a little envious 
when she saw each one occupying some post 
of usefulness in that precious revival, while 
she saw nothing for herself to do which would 
help forward the work ; and having been all 
winter engaged more or less in such labors, she 
became lifted up with pride, and thus fell into 
the condemnation of the devil. 

It was deeply affecting as well as instructive, 
day by day, to hear her confessions of sin and 
watch her struggles against temptation. She 
said her former ill temper, unkind spirit, and 
indeed all the wicked feelings she used to have 
before conversion, came trooping back upon 
her in the form of temptation which it seemed 
almost impossible to resist. Occasionally, for 
a litde time she would get a glimpse of Christ's 
forgiving love, fix her eye of faith upon him, 
and enjoy his presence; and again all would 
be shrouded in darkness. She spent a great 
deal of time in prayer, and wished to hear no 
conversation except upon religious subjects. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 2 IB 

She was not confined to her room, but 
walked about the house when she felt strong 
enough, and at other times was carried in her 
€asy chair. She was strictly and persevering- 
ly regular in her hours of rising, retiring, eating, 
bathing, &c., and at eight o'clock in the eve- 
ning, uniformly retired to her own room, ac- 
companied by her mother, who prepared her 
for rest, listened to an account of her state of 
mind through the day, engaged in prayer for 
her, repeated to her such of the precious prom- 
ises of the word of God as seemed adapted to 
iier case, and then with a good-night kiss, and 
lifting her heart to the great Shepherd of Israel 
who neither slumbers nor sleeps, retired to her 
own apartments, leaving Helen in the care of 
a younger sister during the night. 

During the autumn and early part of the 
winter, she usually enjoyed quiet rest at night, 
seldom coughing, or needing anything till 
morning. Often she would remark to her 
mother in the morning, '«0 what a blessing ii 
is to enjoy rest of body and mind through the 
nights; but when the mornings come, I wake 
but to renew these dreadful coi diets; and when 
will they have an end?" S 6 expressed no 



216 MEMOIR OF HELEN, 

doubt as to her final saJvation from sin arid 
hell, but her present conflicts with the adver- 
sary of souls were fearful. She was almost 
jjonstantly subject to powerful temptations, not 
to any outbreaking iniquity, but to heart-sins, 
all of which she resisted, sometimes overcom- 
ing and at other times falling. " O," she 
would say, "Mother, Satan will have me." 
*'No, my child, he mill not. He doubtless 
desires to have you, that he may sift you as 
wheat; but let not your faith fail. Christ has 
loved you with an everlasting love ; therefore 
with loving-kindness has he drawn you, and 
his power is equal to his love, for * he is able 
to save to the uttermost all that come unto God 
by him ; ' and more than that, has said, * My 
Father who gave them me is greater than all, 
and none is able to pluck them out of my 
Father's hand.'^'^ '* That is enough, mother, 
enough." And then her soul stayed itself on 
God until sufficient strength was obtained to 
go through with another conflict with thai 
*^* roaring lion."^ 

To attempt to give an adequate idea of these 
aflfecting interviews, from eight to nine in the 
evening, would be a hopeless task; but the 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 217 

mother felt that, all unseen by mortal eye was 
One whose presence made it holy ground, and 
who just made use of her memory and tongue 
to administer the consolations of his gospel to 
that suffering child, wliile his eye watched the 
brightening gold in the crucible with all the 
love of his infinite heart. At length he saw 
his own image reflected, and the fires were 
withdrawn. 

God in great love and condescension blessed 
the feeble instrumentalities used, and as Helen's 
eagerly listening ear drank in the slowly artic- 
ulated words, " And I pray God your whole 
spirit, and soul, and body, be preserved blame- 
less unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ ; 
faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do 
it," she asked with childlike simplicity, " Is 
this mine, mother? May it he mine P^^ '*Yes, 
Helen, it may be just as much yours as though 
your Savior was here in the flesh and spoke it to 
yow." "0 1 will, I do believe. Jesus will 
preserve me blameless, O what forgiving love ! 
What a mighty Savior ! I will rest under the 
shadow of his wing." 

The next morning, in answer to her mother's, 
inquiry, she said, ** In perfect peace — my soul 



218 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

stayed oh God." When her father entered 
the room she calmly told him the Lord had 
put a new song into her mouth which she 
wanted to sing forever, and enquired if he re- 
ally believed such perfect rest in Christ might 
be permanent. The natural and ready reply 
was, *' Fear not, only believe. Trust in the 
Lord forever, for in the Lord Jehovah is ever- 
lasting strength." He assured her that the 
provisions of the gospel were abundantly ade- 
quate, and that, according to her faith, so it 
would be unto her. At evening she testified 
thus — *' Satan has not troubled me at all this 
day. He can't find me, for I am hid in Christ." 

Her physical strength was at this time 
greatly reduced, but her spiritual strength 
was renewed day by day. Her conflicts with 
her great adversary were past — eternally past. 
She had occasionally seasons of great heavi- 
ness and sorrow of heart for a very dear broth- 
er ; at that time and for five years afterward, 
out of Christ. Upon this point too, she at 
length had rest — Christ having, as she ex- 
pressed it, taken the load off from* her heart. 
It is not known that she ever again, except in 
a single instance, felt a sense of condemnation, 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 219 

and then it was but for a moment, though she 
lived nearly four months longsr. 

The occasion referred to was when two or 
three young ladies of her acquaintance had 
called upon her, and her mother took the op- 
portunity while they were present to leave the 
room and attend to some of her domestic cares. 
When she heard them leave, she returned and 
found Helen in tears, and enquiring into the 
cause — " O mother," said she, sobbing audi- 
bly, ''I have grieved the Savior!" '' Is it 
possible ? How could you do it? " asked her 
mother. '* I will tell you all about it," said she. 
*« When the ladies came in, I thought it would 
honor God if I were to say a few words to 
them about the great salvation, and I resolved 
to do so soon. But other subjects were intro- 
duced and they took the lead in conversation, 
as I am so weak you know I cannot talk much, 
but I thought I would introduce it very soon ; 
yet finally, I did not, and they bade me good- 
bye, and left; and I was sure the Savior turned 
away his face and was grieved." ** But," 
said her mother, " Christ will forgive you if 
you are penitent." " O, I know it," said she, 
*'he has done it already, but I cannot forgive 
myself." 



220 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

As she grew more and more feeble, she lost 
in a remarkable degree, the use of the ordi- 
nary language in which she had been accus- 
tomed to converse, and had only, at her com- 
mand, the simple words of childhood. She 
was sensible of it, tkough she rarely alluded 
to it. At one time she enquired of her mother 
if she observed her hesitation in speaking with 
some ladies who had called upon her, and 
added that she supposed they attributed it to 
shortness of breath, but it was really only a 
forgetfulness of words. *' But," said she, *'I 
am thankful for it, as it serves to keep me 
humble." 

She seemed to live and float in a sea of love. 
Many a time, as her mother bent over her, 
arranging her pillows, or assisting her to rise, 
or lie down, she would M^hisper out, '* O, how 
I love Jesus ! " Or, '« No one ever can know 
how dearly I love my Savior." Uj. on one occa- 
sion she asked, *' Does this sound like cant? 
I remember the time when I should have 
thought so. But it is not cant. It is a blessed 
reality. I feel it in my soul." Her very 
breath seemed to be prayer and praise. 

In the laiter part of the winter, her step- 



e^RACE VICTORIOUS. 2^1 

sister J., then living in Columbus, came to 
spend a few days at her old home, and look 
again upon the face of that dear one, with 
whom she was for so long a time intimately 
associated. Helen had for some time been 
suffering much from chills and fever, cough 
and pain, but in anticipation of this visit, she 
said, '* I have been asking the Lord to relieve 
my pains while Josephine is here, so that I 
can enjoy her visit, and I am almost sure he 
will do it, for I have no will about it, and only 
asked it if it could be granted without injury 
to any other interests." 4nd according to her 
belief, so it proved ; for the very day of J.'s 
arrival, and indeed every day till she left, her 
distress of every kind was much abated ; she 
could sit in her chair or recline ujion a lounge 
with the family and enjoy social converse ; she 
rested well at night, arose much refreshed in 
the morning, and enjoyed comparative ease and 
comfort through the day. But the day J. left 
for Columbus, Helen's fever returned again 
with greater violence, and her other ailments 
were aggravated. 

During the month of March her bodily suf- 
ferings increased considerably; she wasiobliged 



2M MEMOIR OF HELEl^. 

to have watchers at night ; her limbs became 
greatly swollen, discolored and painful, and it 
was with great difficulty that she could step at 
all, though she was still able occasionally, 
upon pleasant days, to be taken out in a carriage. 
The last time she rode out was in the latter 
part of March. The ground was frozen and 
rough, and her mother feared it would prove 
too much for her, but yielded to Helen's ear- 
nest desire to go, only cautioning Henry not to 
drive down Main Street which was very rough, 
and then watching them from her window to 
see how severe the exercise appeared, she had 
the trial of seeing them turn directly down 
the forbidden street, wondering what it could 
mean, but rather supposing they found the road 
smoother than was anticipated. The sequel, 
however, proved that she rode out that day, 
and in that particular direction, that she might 
select from the bookstore, a fine polyglott Bible 
as a parting love-token, to be presented to her 
mother on her approaching birth-day, the 4th 
of April. On that birthday she walked to the 
table for the last time, that she might enjoy 
her mother's surprise at finding the Bible and 
some-other gifts at her plate upon the table. 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 223 

Her last effort at writing too, was in that doubly 
precious Bible. 

We will here make an extract from an article 
written by her father and published in the 
Oberlin Evangelist two weeks after her death. 

''During these last months of her life, the 
Bible read by herself or listened to as read or 
repeated by others, was her spiritual bread. 
It supplanted almost all other reading — all but 
the most spiritual books. An early taste for 
amusing literature was thoroughly crucified, or 
rather displaced ; for nothing so ravished her 
^ heart as God*s precious truths, 

A book she read about this time, entitled 
*^' Riches of Grace/' in which were recorded 
the religious experiences of eminent Christians, 
raised in her mind a new difficulty. ''I find," 
said she, *' that those whose experience is re- 
corded there, had great excitements of mind. 
They had thrilling emotions and ove'rwhelming 
views of truth. Besides, they knew the mo- 
ment the Savior revealed himself to them. 
Such is not the ease with me. I have had no 
great exsitements. All I have done is simply 
to trust Christ very calmly." The reply which 
seemed appropriate was this: All minds are 



2^4 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

not alike in regard to being susceptible of strong 
emotions. Those cases were selected in part 
because they were striking in this particular 
respect. But the Lord must give you the 
physical powers of health and indeed another 
brain, before you could either have or endure 
so much emotion. But you need to consider 
that emotion is not faith, nor is it necessarily 
love. The Lord will bless your simple faith, 
if, like a feeble child as you are, you put your 
trust entirely and fearlessly in him." Under 
these views her difficulties disappeared. Vic- 
tory was now her daily song. 

We might speak of her humility. "I wish," 
said she, 'Uhat in some way the world could 
know how vile a sinner I have been, that they 
might appreciate the riches of the Savior's 
grace to me. I rejoice to think that the uni- 
verse will one day see it, and that God will 
then be gloiified in it; and I wish it might be 
proper to tell it to my friends and all the world 
now. They do not know how wicked a girl 
I have been, and hence cannot see, as I do, 
how great the Savior's grace has been to me." 

Through the tribulation of immense suffer- 
ing, it pleased the Lord to mature her graces 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 225 

and ripen her piety for heaven. It was often 
affecting, between paroxisms of pain and in 
the whispers of weakness, to hear her say, 
" Not worthy to be compared — not worthy to 
be compared.'^ That beautiful and pregnant 
passage of Paul, Rom. 8 : 18, had become so 
familiar to her that a few of its words suggest* 
ed the consoling sentiment. 

More than once, being observed to be in 
great pain, and allusion being made to it, she 
said, «' I have to make constant use of the love 
of Christ to bear such pain.'' Yet under all 
these sufferings, her constant thought was, 
" God sees how much I need pain. I will 
thank him for his precious discipline, given me 
in faithful love on earth. When I have suf- 
fered all that my case needs, I shall be taken 
sweetly home." 

On one of her feeble mornings, she said — 
** I have been suffering exceedingly." "But," 
said her mother, " Jesus has been with you, 
has he not, Helen?" "Mother, I am in 
Him," was the emphatic reply. 

In this state of unbroken calmness she passsed 
the closing weeks of her life. It was not fitful, 
tut steady and enduring. It was not a gush of 



226 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

emotion, but the placid, rational, intelligent 
conviction of Bible truth, and the unclouded 
apprehension of a Savior's love. It was hea- 
ven in the soul, presaging a Iieaven for the 
boul, whenever the frail tent of clay should be 
struck for removal. It was victory heue, the 
earnest of victory there, and victory forever. 
We cannot say that her joy often rose to rap- 
ture. The great weakness of her physical 
powers, at no time excited by stimulants, 
seemed almost to forbid rapturous emotion. 
Yet in a few instances, when alone with her 
mother, and with no external causes of excite- 
ment, she broke out, ** O, I cannot tell you 
how happy I am in God. If I had strength 
I should want to clap my hands and shout. 
My soul is absolutely /w^/ of joy, like the joy 
of Heaven." 

But usually her attitude of mind was calm. 
Her mind's eye saw not angels hovering round, 
as may be the case with some. Hers seemed 
fixed on Jesus only. Weeks before her death 
some one said, "You must have many pleas- 
ant anticipations of seeing your sainted mother, 
and many other dear friends, already in heaven. 
** I so long to see Jesus," replied she, "that it 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 227 

will be a long time before I shall think of look- 
ing for any one else.*' 

One very remarkable instance of answer to 
prayer merits a record. Near the latter end of 
April, it became evident to her as to others, 
that the time of her departure was at hand, and 
she expressed a strong desire for one more in- 
terview with her sister J. ; but circumstances 
seemed at the time to forbid it. The 3d of May 
was the time set for J. and her husband to leave 
home upon a tour of a few months in Europe. 
They could at that time stop for a day or two 
at Oberlin, but not sooner, and it seemed to all 
impossible that Helen could survive until that 
time. She saw how it was, and made it a sub- 
ject of prayer for a little time, and then said to 
her mother, *' The Lord pjUI let me live to see 
J. Only think of his goodness. I did not 
urge it at all, but only told him how much it 
would rejoice me if I might see her yet again, 
and the interview be turned to his glory; and 
asked him to preserve my life till that time, if 
he saw that he could so use it; and he gave 
his loving assent. O I shall live to see her. 
Does it seem to you impossible? Christ is 



228 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

able. How many days will it be ? " " Elev- 
en," was the reply. 

It did indeed seem impossible. The physi- 
cians assured the friends that she was liable 
to drop away at any moment, and very often 
she was at the point of strangulation from the 
sudden discharge of an abscess in the lungs. 
But her confidence in the expected blessing 
faltered not. Again and again she would ask, 
" How many days will it be ? " and she would 
smile and nod assent, as she was answered, 
seven, five, or two, as the case might be. 

On Friday night, the 2d of May, it seemed 
to all present that the hour for her release had 
come. Her parents, who had lain down to get 
a little rest, were roused to hear that Helen 
could not get her breath. They rushed to her 
room, and found her gasping for breath and in 
great agony. She reached one hand to her 
father and the other to her mother, while her 
eyes looked imploringly first upon one and 
then upon the other. Relief was sought in 
vain from windows and fans. "Take her in 
your arms, Henry," said the mother to that 
affectionate brother whose ever watchful eye 
and ear were on the alert for opportunities of 



GRACE VICTORIOUS. 229 

administering aid to his beloved sister. He did 
so in an instant, and the effect was, such a dis- 
charge from the lungs as threatened instant 
death, but which ended in relief. 

At this time, in addition to unmistakable 
symptoms of gangrened lungs, she had cold 
extremities, clammy sweat and the usual symp- 
toms of immediate dissolution. But when able 
to speak, she assured those about her that she 
should live till Josephine's arrival, which was 
expected the next day. The morning at length 
dawned, and she still lived. During the day 
she was able only occasionally, to swallow a 
teaspoonful of cold water, for which she con- 
stantly longed. Her mind wandered some, 
and she would whisper out, " Josephine," or 
'* cold water," but when roused up, would say, 
" These two words are all mixed up in my 
mind." 

J.*s arrival was communicated to her as 
gently as possible, and when they met, she 
manifested no emotions but those of love and 
gratitude. As J. took her bloodless and ema- 
ciated hand in hers, and was moved to tears, 
she raised her other hand to wipe them away, 



30 MEMOIR OF HELEN. 

saying, ** Not a tear, Josephine, not a tear; I 
want to go home." 

Nearly thirty hours longer she lingered on 
the shores of time, sometimes conversing 
with J., with her parents or Mr. K., who was 
constantly watching near her; sometimes com- 
muning with God, and sometimes resting, un- 
til late in the evening of the Sabbath, when 
the precious Savior in whom she trusted, led 
her through the deep waters of Jordan into the 
haven of Eternal rest. 



